Forward March
by Lauren- Natosha
Summary: Roland has left for Chicago a new job and a new life while Joan awaits the arrival of their new baby. Can these two find the forgiveness and strength to move forward after an affair, or will they stay apart forever?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Call

6:30 glared from the microwave face as Olivia Burton, still drunk with sleep, sat in her warm and cozy Chicago kitchen alone. She could hear soft sounds of sleep coming from her husband's study. "He must have fallen asleep in there," she thought to herself. She took a last sip of coffee with the awareness that soon the little voice of four year old Alexia, her daughter, would be heard from the landing of the stairs. She rose from her chair and refreshed her coffee mug. So much had happened in the past month – in the past six months to change her life and her family. She walked across the kitchen and began preparing breakfast. Waffles, sausage, and juice for Alexia; fresh fruit, bagels, and eggs for everyone else, every morning she prepared the same breakfast. Suddenly aware of how tired she was, she busied herself preparing breakfast and packing lunches for the day. The alarm clock had sounded far too early this morning. The more she prepared the angrier she got. "Just who does Lt. Colonel Joan Burton think that she is anyway?" The whole house had been awakened by a 4:00 AM call from Joan to Roland. The yelling was so loud between the two of them that it bounced from room to room. Alexia awoke from a sound sleep and Chance, the family dog, barked so loudly that Olivia feared that a neighbor would call the police. Exhausted and embarrassed Roland finally had to retreat to the study downstairs to finish the call. It had taken Olivia at least an hour to get Alexia back to sleep. Now, this morning she found herself steaming with anger at the woman who she saw as the source of all her family's grief. She longed for Roland to awake, so they could discuss the phone call. Why had Joan called? What did she want? Olivia was uncertain, but she knew that she had to keep Roland in Chicago by any means necessary. Olivia hated that fact that Joan was the only other woman in the world who could convince Roland to do things. She had to figure out a way to keep the two of them apart permanently. If Roland or Joan for that matter ever knew the whole truth, Olivia could lose Roland forever. Her thoughts were interrupted by Roland's gruff voice as he entered the kitchen. "Good morning Livvy, what's for breakfast?" She turned startled and a slight smile crossed her lips as she responded, "Same as always." Roland poured himself a cup of coffee and removed half a bagel from the toaster oven. Olivia watched him carefully waiting for the right moment to bring Joan into the conversation. "Did you sleep well?" she asked. "As well as one can on a lumpy sofa," he replied. Gingerly, she asked her next question. "So, what did Joan want?" Roland gave no reply and knowing him as well as she did, Olivia decided to press the issue no further. "He'll come to me when he is ready," she thought. Suddenly, as if hit by lightning Roland asked, "What am I going to do Livvy?" "I can't live like this; I just don't know what to do!" Olivia sat down next to him at the table and gently stroked his hand. "Don't worry baby," she assured him, "we will figure this all out together- we always figure things out together."

Chapter 2: Olivia's Secret

Olivia was finally in the safety and dare she say sanctity of her office. It had been a long day. In and out of court with rapist, drug dealers, child pornographers, the crimes and criminals seemed endless. She had been a state prosecutor for nearly nine years and no one worked as hard as she did. She believed in the law. She believed in the system. Mostly she believed in justice. Yes, making sure that the innocent were protected and the guilty were punished for their crimes was the essence of her job; it was who she was. Olivia had to admit that the only thing she loved more than being a lawyer was being a wife and mother. She and Mark had been married for ten years. After six years of marriage little Alexia had been born. After Alexia's birth both she and Mark, an engineer, had decided to scale down on their work loads to spend more time as a family. Five months ago, Olivia had decided to quit the prosecutor's office to have more time at home. Plenty of firms had courted her with enthusiasm while knowing that she only wanted to work part- time. They all figured that a lawyer of her talents, even part-time was an asset to their firm, but then Roland called and deals had to be made. Her boss in the prosecutor's office knew people at Northwestern. Roland needed a position at Northwestern. She would do anything for Roland, so here she sat in an office that she had vowed to give up. Mark was livid with her decision, but she had promised Roland. To keep her promise to Roland, she broke one to Mark and Alexia. Tensions had been high at home until she got the early morning call. Mark had retreated and said he understood that she needed to help Roland. Olivia knew that he suspected a secret between the two of them, but had learned years ago that though he asked he could never expect a straight answer. Jordan, her secretary, walked in with several messages from the day. Roland called three times, her mother had called from California, Mark had called to have dinner in the city. The messages went on and on. One however, caught her eye. Joan had called. In all the time that Olivia had known Joan, she had only once called her directly. Roland had always been the go between. Why would Joan be calling her? Maybe she knew. She had finally figured out what Olivia had done and wanted to confront her. No, that was silly, how could she know? No one knew. Olivia's mind raced back to one month earlier when she had gone to Fort Marshall. She remembered the morning clearly that Joan had called. "There's been an accident," she said quite calmly. A pain had gone all the way through Olivia's body. "What type of an accident?" she asked in reply. "An explosion," was Joan's clear, quiet, and calm reply. "Roland has been seriously hurt and I think you should come." Images of a bloody and mangled Roland flashed through Olivia's head. She got the earliest flight that she could , cancelled all of her appointments and raced to South Carolina. She had to get to Roland, her Roland, her brother, her twin. When she finally arrived on post, Joan was waiting. She explained Roland's condition quite matter of factly. Olivia had never meet anyone as cold as Joan. She cringed being around her. She never understood what Roland liked about her. She had tried, really tried, to get along with her, but all her attempts were met with the same coldness she now felt. Olivia had long ago decided that Joan, though family, should be treated with indifference. She couldn't be concerned about Joan now. She had to get to Roland. "Where is my brother?" she asked calmly. Joan lead her down a hallway and through a set of heavy secured doors. The hospital's intensive care unit, it was here that she saw her brother. He lay in a hospital bed with wires and tubes running from everywhere. The doctor's kept him heavily sedated to ease his pain. Tears begin to flow from Olivia's eyes. "NO!" she told herself " I can't cry; Roland needs me to be strong." She turned rather abruptly to Joan and in her sternest voiced asked, "How did this happen to him." Joan looked surprised for a moment. She had never heard such a harsh voice come from Olivia. "I can only tell you what I have been told. I was not there when it happened." "Who was there?" was Olivia's less than polite reply. A few of the women who were there are Roland's friends they can explain it. "Who? The tribe- Claudia Joy, Denise, Pamela ,and Roxy," "Yes," Joan answered, "I didn't know that you knew them." " I don't know them, but Roland talks about them all the time." "Well, I think that they can answer your questions and I'm sure they would love to meet you." Joan turned and walked out of the room. Olivia went to follow, and turned quickly back to Roland's bed. She put her face close to his and in a soft whisper said, "Don't worry. I will never tell and I will make sure that our plan goes on as scheduled. This is a setback not a problem. Our plan will still work." She gave Roland's hand a final squeeze and hurried to join Joan in the hallway.

Chapter 3: The Meeting

Joan's mind was still whirling from the events of the last couple of days. So much had happened to her since her return from Afghanistan. There had been her PTSD, promotion to XO, Roland's affair, separation from Roland, Roland's injury and his move to Chicago, and of course being pregnant with Roland's baby. Roland, Roland, Roland, for the last few days, her thoughts had been filled with Roland. She hated to admit it but she missed him. She still loved him and every time they spoke, though he never said it, she knew he missed and loved her too. Maybe, it was hormones taking over or maybe it was something else. She had been happy when Michael had told her a few days earlier that he needed her to go to Washington. Getting off post and out of the house that she had shared with Roland was exactly what she needed. She never could have imagined that a routine trip on behalf of General Holden could have caused her so much confusion.

It was late in the evening and Joan had just finished a meeting at the Pentagon when it happened. A female reporter approached her in the hallway. "Lt. Colonel Burton, you don't know me," she said " but I interviewed your husband a while back and I was just interested to know how he was doing since the accident." The reporter extended her hand and flashed Joan a smile. "Vanessa Kelsing." Joan could not believe that the woman who had single handedly ruined her marriage was standing in front of her smiling as if they were new best friends. Joan quite calmly stated that Roland had recovered from most of his injuries and the doctor's expected a full recovery. She turned quickly on her heels to flee, and rushed into the nearest bathroom. Alone and looking in the mirror, Joan couldn't believe that she had been such a coward. Why was she running away? She had done nothing wrong. Suddenly a rage that she had not felt in a long time gathered in her stomach. She pulled open the bathroom door with such force that the woman on the other side preparing to come in jumped back in amazement. Fueled on by her anger at the nerve of the woman who had slept with her husband and then had the audacity to smile in her face, Joan moved quickly through the corridors. After several turns, she came face to face with Vanessa Kelsing at an elevator laughing with a male colleague. "Ms. Kelsing," Joan said "may I have a word with you in private." Vanessa looked rather nervous but agreed to speak with Joan. She kissed the man on his check and said she would see him later. Then turning from him to Joan she said quite innocently. "Colonel Burton allow me to introduce you to my husband." A new rage built in Joan. So, she was married too not only had she disrespected Joan's marriage she had disrespected her own. As the elevator doors closed on the unsuspecting husband, Joan released all the rage that she had been holding back. "Mrs. Kelsing , it is obvious to me that you are under the impression that I don't know what you and Roland did." Vanessa stood looking confused. Joan continued, "Roland has confessed everything to me. This bit of information should make you happy. We have separated and will be divorced soon." Vanessa, in a very timid voice, replied, " I –I I'm very sorry- I didn't know the two of you were having problems. He spoke so highly of you during our interview." "Well, perhaps you should have gotten a clue from the fact that he spent the night having sex with you in a hotel room." Vanessa looked outraged! She looked around the hallway nervously. "Listen, I don't know what post gossip you have been listening to but I have never slept with your husband." "Don't lie to me!" screamed Joan "Roland confessed the whole thing to me – I know" "I don't know what you think you know," Vanessa retorted. "I don't know what your husband told you. All I know is that I didn't sleep with your husband. Not, that I didn't try, but he wouldn't go through with it. We never had sex." Vanessa turned in a passionate rage and got on the newly arrived elevator leaving the echo of her words in Joan's ears. "I didn't sleep with your husband."

Back in her hotel room, Joan tossed and turned. She could not sleep. Was it possible that Roland hadn't had an affair? Why would he lie to her? There was only one person that could answer her questions. She glanced at her watch. It was a promotion gift from Roland when she made Lt. Colonel. She never took it off. 04:00 hours, she could not call him now. She couldn't not call him now. She wanted answers and Roland was the only one who could give them.

Chapter 4: A Rock and a Hard Place

Mark sat looking out his office window. The sky gave every indication that a rain shower was vastly approaching. "Good," he said, "rain clouds match my mood perfectly." He was so tired from all of last night's drama that he hadn't been able to fully concentrate on anything. He had been pulled from a peaceful night's rest at 4:00AM by the constant ringing of the phone. The phone rang eight times went to voice mail and thirty seconds later begin ringing again. After the third set of rings, he feared it could be an emergency so he turned to answer. "Hello." "Hey, Mark. It's Joan. I'm sorry to call so late or is it early?" "I need to talk to Roland; it's an emergency." Mark sat up in the bed. He was worried. "Joan is the baby alright? Are you alright." "Yes, the baby and I are fine. I just need to speak to Roland." Mark got up and went down the hallway to Roland's bedroom door. "Roland, man, Joan's on the phone, she says she needs to talk to you. It's an emergency." Roland came to the door slowly. He still had pain from his injuries. This was the main reason that Olivia insisted that he move in with the family until she was sure that he was 100 percent out of the woods. "Thanks man," he said taking the phone from Mark's hand.

Mark had snuggled back into bed with Olivia. She had not even stirred when the phone rang. Olivia was a sound sleeper most of the time. She awakened a little in response to his touch as he reached out to cuddle next to her. He had barely drifted back off to sleep when he heard Roland's angry shouts coming from down the hall. The shouting seemed to get louder and louder. Broken bits of conversation "I never said" "You assumed" " I don't want to talk about it!" Chance begin barking louder and louder. This woke Alexia who cried out for her Mommy. Alexia's cries woke Olivia. "What's going on?" Olivia turned to face Mark. "Joan's on the phone. I guess she and Roland are having an argument." Hurriedly, Olivia dashed from the bed to comfort her crying daughter in the next room. Mark covered his head with the pillow as his wife screamed at her brother and then at his wife through the phone. This is what his life had been like since Roland had decided to leave Joan. He just wanted his old life back and some peace and quiet. Yes, peace and quiet would be nice.

His secretary buzzed bringing him back to the present. "Olivia is calling on line two." Great he and Olivia would have a nice quiet dinner at their favorite restaurant before going home. Roland had felt so badly about the chaos he and Joan had caused that morning. He quickly agreed to baby sit for the night. Besides, Mark knew that Roland loved spending time with his niece. As much as both he and Olivia loved their daughter and Roland, they needed a break. Mark feared that Roland's marriage problems were beginning to have an affect on his own marriage. Olivia and Roland were hiding something. He knew it. Lately the twosome were always having whispered conversations or long walks alone. He also knew that unless Roland wanted her to Olivia would never tell him what was going on. He hated knowing that there was any secret between him and his wife. A night alone was exactly what he and Olivia needed. "Hi Livvy, what time do you want to meet for dinner?" "I'm sorry honey, but I can't tonight. I need to get home and talk to Roland. Joan called and I have to talk to Roland before she calls again." Mark tried to disguise the disappointment in his voice. " O.K., sure, I'll see you at home then. I need to go." "Mark, honey, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." "Livvy, I have to go. See you at home."

Chapter 5: Tribal Meeting

"Please don't forget that your case studies are due in very soon. Some of you have not been keeping accurate logs and appointments at the clinic with your subjects. This is not something that you can do at the last minute." Roland couldn't believe the laziness of some of his students. He had only been at Northwestern a week officially, and he already suspected that at least five of his new charges would not finish the program. He did not understand their apathy and procrastination. He was never a procrastinator when he was in med school. He had never been a procrastinator period. If something needed to be done, he just rolled up his sleeves and got it done. Joan had once told him that he would have made a great soldier. Roland doubted that; he had grown to despise everything army – everything except Joan. There were so many rules and none of them focused on people. Everything was about the army and the country. Family seemed to matter little to these people. Family was everything to Roland for as long as he could remember. His dad had died when he and Olivia were only ten. After his father's death, his mother had circled the family wagons. For so long it was just Roland, Olivia, and their mother. The three of them ate, slept, lived and breathed each other for years. His sister and his mother were the two people that he trusted with his deepest secrets and darkest fears. Then there was Joan; he had given Joan that same trust early in their marriage. When they first meet, he found her to be warm and instinctive. She was so much like his mother and though Livvy would kill him if she even knew he thought it, a lot like his sister too. But know, so many promises had been broken, he thought it was best for everyone if he loved Joan from a distance. He was not sure that he could trust her. Trust was so important now. With Joan left behind in South Carolina and his mother working in California, Olivia was his only confidant. Well, maybe not the only one he remembered with a smile. He gathered his papers and headed for his office. He had promised to check in with the wives this morning and was anxious to speak with them. These weekly conference calls had become substations for their tribal meetings. His friends were the only other thing that he didn't hate about the army.

"Hi Ladies," Roland beamed with excitement. "Roland!!" was the collective response from the group. Pamela spoke up first. "We miss you so much. How is everything in Chicago?" "Things are fine hear. I started work this week and I'm just taking it one day at a time." "Roland, my boys are missing you like crazy. With Trevor gone, you were my go-to dad. I hate you for leaving." "Tell the boys I said hi. Maybe, I'll get to see them when I am in town next week to sign the final papers." "So you two are going through with the divorce then," questioned Denise. "Yep, it's best for everyone." "Will it best for the baby?" asked Pamela. "Is it best for you," Denise chimed in. " I have the sneaking suspicion that everything is not fine. Roland, how are you really?" Claudia Joy spoke for the first time. Roxy's voice was full of concern as she pleaded. "Roland, you are our friend even if you are miles away. We care about you. We want to help you. Tell us what's wrong" There was a long pause. Claudia Joy's voice finally broke the silence. "We've all known that something has been wrong for a while now. You know you can trust us. What is this really all about?" "Come on ladies, I am fine. I'm just a guy getting a divorce." "We think it is something more than the divorce." "Denise don't worry about me. How are Frank and Jeremy?" " Listen Mister, don't try to change the subject. We are way too smart to fall for that" " O.K.. Rox, I can see you guys are not going to let this go." "Nope," was Pamela's stern reply. "I am learning how to dig deeper for the real story thanks to my radio gig. We know something deeper is going on with you. Now, spill it!" Claudia Joy laughed a hearty laughed and added. "Pamela has spoken, so HAVE AT IT!" All of the friends laughed. Roland felt good laughing. He had not really laughed in a long time. What was it about these women that always gave him such a warm feeling inside? "Roland," Denise voice was low, sweet and full of concern, "do you really want to get a divorce?" "Denise, my life stop being about what I want a long time ago. But, to answer your question, no I don't want a divorce. I need to get a divorce. It is what's best for Joan, the baby, and me." " Says who?" asked Roxy. "Listen, I am going to tell you guys something, but you must promise that this goes no further than the five of us. I can't risk too many people finding out and this somehow getting back to Joan. You guys have to promise." " We promise," was the unisoned reply.

Chapter 6: A shot in the dark

Joan once again sat staring at her plate. She knew she needed to eat, but food did not matter to her. She forced another bite into her mouth and then rose and placed her dish in the sink. She should have been hungry. She had just done a three mile run before dinner. Three miles was nothing for her. She had cut down from her usual seven to ten. She had to think of the baby. Tonight, however, like most nights since returning from D.C., her thoughts were all about Vanessa Kelsing and Roland. During the day, Joan pushed all thoughts of them from her mind. She had to be focused at work. There was no room for errors. She was General Holden's XO. He had confidence in her and had gone the extra mile in appointing her though many thought he had made a mistake. She would not mess up and embarrass Michael or herself. Home was different. With Roland gone, the house was always quiet. Sometimes she still half –way expected him to come walking through the front door brief case in hand with a wide smile plastered across his face. She knew she had to accept the truth Roland was gone and he was not coming back, but sometimes she just hoped. When she called Roland from D.C. to confront him with the information that Vanessa had given her, he was angry. Roland never got angry – not like that. The conversation ended with him yelling into the phone that the marriage was over and then the line went dead. Where was all of this sudden anger coming from? What was going on with her husband? Over the past week since the call, she had tried contacting him every way she thought possible. She had called his cell with no success. At Olivia's house, the voice mail always answered her calls. Olivia's secretary always had the same reply "I'll tell her you called." Even Mark, who was normally quite friendly didn't answer or return her phone calls. She had tried contacting Roland at his new office, but the switchboard operator said that his new phone line had not been installed yet. She even once thought of calling her mother-in – law in California. But, who was she kidding, if the others remained silent, so would she. It seemed that Joan was running out of options. Who did she know that could get through to Roland? "Of course," she thought, 'I can't believe that I didn't think of this before." Joan ran to the phone and dialed the number. "Major Sherwood's residence."

"Hey, Denise." "Joan?" "Yes, hi, how are you doing?" Denise almost dropped the receiver. Why was Joan calling her at home? "Has- has something happened with Frank?" "No, Major Sherwood and his troops are fine. We get daily reports from the sand box. He's fine. I didn't mean to alarm you." "Well, what can I do for you Joan?" "Denise, I really need your help." "What's going on Joan?" "I need to talk to Roland and he is not answering my phone calls. Have you heard from him?" Denise thought carefully. She wanted to help Joan, but she could not betray Roland's friendship. She sighed heavily, "Joan, I'm sorry, but he doesn't want to talk to you. There is nothing that I can do. You will just have to wait until your divorce hearing." "That's a week away. I can't wait that long." " I don't think you have another choice. I have to go or I'll be late for the hospital." "Denise, please." "Joan, I have to go."

Joan held the phone in disbelief. She was certain that Denise would help her. Why would Denise help her? She was Roland's friend not Joan's. One thing was certain, she could not wait another week to speak with Roland. She dialed the phone again. It was a shot in the dark, but Roland had given her this number for emergencies only. Very few people knew Olivia's private number, Joan knew Roland called his sister on it daily. She had never used it. She pushed the last number and the phone begin to ring. Suprisingly, she did not get a voice mail instead a tiny little voice rang out, "Hello." "Hi Lexxie, it's Auntie Joan. Is your mommy there?" "No, mommy's not here," the little voice responded, "Is your daddy home." "No, mommy and daddy went to a movie. I'm babysitting." "You're baby sitting?" "Yep!!" "Who are you babysitting?" "Uncle Roland." "Sweetie, I need to talk to your Uncle Roland. Can you give him the phone?" "uum –huh" "Lexxie, don't tell your uncle who's on the phone – can you do that for me?" "O.K., bye- Auntie Joan."

"Uncle Roland, the phone's for you." "Did the phone ring Pumpkin? I didn't hear it." "It's mommy's phone." Alexia reached the phone up towards her uncle. "Guess, your mommy finally figured out that she left her phone, huh" Alexia shrugged and smiled sweetly. "Can I have a cookie?" she asked with an air of innocence. "Pumpkin you can have anything that you want." Alexia ran off triumphantly to retrieve her cookie from the kitchen. "Hey genius, leave your phone much?" Roland liked teasing his sister. "I'm not Olivia. Roland, this is Joan."

Chapter 7: To tell the truth

Roland waited impatiently for Mark and Olivia to return from their evening out. It was a little past midnight and he had long giving up trying to sleep. They had worked so hard to plan this and it all seemed to be falling apart. Olivia would know what to do. Olivia had to know. Why had Olivia left her phone tonight of all nights? His head was still throbbing from his conversation with Joan. She just kept demanding the truth. No matter how hard he insisted that he was telling the truth somehow she knew that he was lying. The truth- the truth, he had told his lie so often that even he sometimes believed it to be true. There were only six people who really knew what happened between him and Vanessa. Olivia was the only person who knew why he had lied. That secret would have to remain between the two of them. As much as he loved his friends, he could never tell them. Roland was so deep in his thoughts that he had not heard Mark and Olivia enter the house. They were both now standing in front of him looking a little confused. "Roland did you hear me?" Olivia was asking. "Hear what?" "I asked if everything went alright tonight. Did Lexxie get to bed on time?" "Lexxie is fine. She was perfect as always." "Perfect as always? Livvie, I think our daughter has successfully wrapped her uncle around her little finger." " Well, it must be around the free one because she has had you wrapped for years," was Olivia's reply. "Roland, what's wrong with you? Are you sick? You look as if you've been punched in the stomach." "Livvy, we need to talk – right now." "Why, was going on? I'm tired and I want to go to bed. Can we talk about it in the morning?" "Joan called while you were out" "So, you didn't answer the phone right?" "No, I didn't answer the phone, but Lexxie did. You left your cell and she was playing with it when it rang." "I didn't even notice that it was missing. Joan called on my phone?" " I guess she was just trying to reach me any way she could. Denise called and said that she had asked her to contact me too." "Well, what did she want?" " The truth. She talked with Vanessa and she wants the truth." "Ro, did you tell her?" "No, I didn't tell her, but Livvy she is not giving up. I have to go there next week and I will not be able to avoid her. What am I going to do?" Mark cleared his throat loudly. " I think that's my cue to go up to bed." For the first time, both Olivia and Roland remembered that Mark was in the room. Olivia thought for a minute and then decided. "No, Mark we need you to stay. We need your help."

"You did what!!!!" It was all that Mark could think to say. He had listened calmly as Olivia explained how she had convinced Roland to lie to Joan about his encounter with the reporter. He could not believe what he was hearing. For months, Olivia had been telling him that the reason that Joan and Roland were breaking up was because Joan had discovered Roland's infidelity, a one – night stand with some reporter. Now, they were both saying that it had all been a lie. A lie that they had come up with together, a lie planned with the purpose of breaking up the marriage. "Olivia I am so disappointed in you. How could you help him break up his marriage. If he wanted to go, he could have just left. The lie was not necessary. The lie was hurtful and manipulative. I mean, I know that you don't like Joan, but Livvy… how could you do that to her or anyone?" "Mark you just don't know the whole story." " Tell me the whole story then." "I can't" "You can; you just won't. Whenever, the choice is between me and your brother, you always choose him." "That's not true. I have never chosen Roland over you." "Have you been living in this house for the past three months? It's Roland over everybody. Roland comes before me, before our daughter, before your job." Olivia felt both anger and fear in the pit of her stomach. She knew that Mark was right. She had been so driven to help Roland that she had little time to do anything else. She felt guilty that she could not give her family all of herself. She felt guilty that she had to lie to Mark. At this moment, she knew that she could not tell him the whole story. She also knew that Mark sensed that she was holding something back. But, she could not betray Roland. He needed her now more than ever. He needed her more than Mark and even Lexxie at this moment. She would not let him down. She had to take control of the situation. She softened her anger just a tad and turned to face her husband. "He needs my help right now. I am helping him, but I have never neglected you or our daughter." " I never said you neglected us. I said it's always Roland before us." Roland could remain silent no longer. He was the source of some much pain lately. He began to rethink his decision to come to Olivia for help. He should have left his sister and her family out of this. Olivia and Mark did not deserve this. He couldn't do this to his niece. He would just have to do this alone. "Mark, man, listen. I never meant to lay this on you guys. You're right. Livvy should not have to choose between you and me. We have been unfair and dishonest. Please don't be mad at her. She was only trying to help me. She should not have helped me." "Roland don't say that, of course I should help you. You're my brother and I love you." "Mark's your husband and you should love him more. Livvy, I'm leaving. I'll figure this out by myself." " Roland, you can't leave. You can't do this by yourself." "Roland, don't go. I don't know what's going on, but I know that it must be really serious if Livvy is willing to lie to me to protect you." Olivia could not believe her ears. Mark was being so compassionate. She would not have expected less from him. Mark's compassion for others was reason number one million and one that she loved him. Though she knew that the conversation between she and her husband was far from over, she also knew that as always he would come through for her. " This problem is between Livvy and me. It has nothing to do with you. I would never forgive myself if you left here and something happened to you. Livvy would never forgive me." Mark threw Olivia one last glance as he turned to go upstairs. She averted his glare and answered softly. "I'll be up in a few minutes." Turning her full attention back to Roland she spoke gently but sternly. " You will not leave this house. You will not do this by yourself. You are not alone. I will handle Mark and if need be Joan too. I don't want you to worry about anything. Just concentrate on Friday. We just have to make until Friday. Two days Ro, and this could all be over. Two days. We have come this far and we can't go back now. It's getting late. You need to rest. Go to bed Roland. I'll see you in the morning." " Good night Livvy. Thanks for everything. I love you." Roland slowly retreated up the stairs leaving his sister alone with her thoughts. Everyone would rest in her house tonight except her. Maybe Mark was right. Had she done something evil? Had she convinced Roland to go along with the plan for her own selfish reasons? Did she really dislike Joan that much? For the first time the weight of the situation hit Olivia like a ton of bricks. For the first time, since this whole nightmare had began, Olivia allowed the tears to flow. She cried for her husband, for her daughter, for Roland, for her mother, for Joan and for herself. She cried for nearly half an hour then regaining her composure, she went upstairs to face her husband.

Chapter 8:

Joan was the last person that either Roxy or Pamela wanted to see. Every since Roland had shared his secret with them all of the wives had avoided her like the plague. But, now here they were face to face with her at the exchange. There was no where for them to go. She was walking straight towards them. They exchanged a worried glanced and laced their pinkies together remembering their promise to Roland. In their sweetest army wives voices they both sang "Hey, Joan hi are you doing?"

Joan knew that there was no use in trying to get any information out of these two either. Denise had pretty much hung up on her and Claudia Joy balked and hurried off to pick up Emmaline when she had tried talking to her in Michael's office this morning. She knew this meeting with Pamela and Roxy would go the same way. They all knew something. She could tell, but none of them would betray their friendship to Roland. Roland was so lucky to have such loyal friends. Roland was Joan's best friend. He was keeping something from her, but she did not know what. She had decided that she would just have to make things happen herself. The phone lines to Roland had gone dead again. She knew that she would not be lucky enough to have Lexxie answer a phone for a second time. She had to see Roland face to face. He would be here on Monday. She just had to wait two days, and then she would get the answers that she wanted. Right now, she just had to get through a friendly exchange with one and two. "Hey, ladies, how are you?" Roxy spoke first. "We're doing really great. Missing our husbands like crazy though. Any word on when they might be returning?" " Well, that's classified information. When you need to know the army will tell you." Joan now turned her attention to Pamela who had been avoiding making eye contact. " Hey, I heard your show today. It was really very good. You seem as if you've been doing it for years. The major made a good choice in picking you." Pamela seemed shocked, but recovered quickly. " Thanks Joan, that was kind of you to say. How are you and the baby doing?" "Well, the baby's fine. I have another doctor's appointment next week." "Any morning sickness yet?" chimed in Roxy. "A little, but it's not bad. I have survived worse. I am a soldier." Pamela and Roxy exchanged knowing glances. Joan caught the look and asked, "What's that look about?" "You'll see, you'll see," said Pamela. " Yeah, just give it another month," added Roxy. Joan had no idea what they were talking about. Sometimes other woman, non – army woman baffled her with their silliness over such minor things. Women had been having babies forever. She could never figure out why other women made such a big deal out of it. "Listen Joan, we need to go. Sitters ain't cheap and we live on enlisted incomes. No, psychiatrist husband's salary to fall back on." The minute the words left her mouth Roxy regretted them, but she couldn't take them back. She watched as all of the color slowly drained from Joan's face. Pamela begin pushing Roxy and their cart forward. "Joan, we really have to go now. Good to see you again."

Safely inside the mini- van, both Pamela and Roxy breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't believe I said that." Roxy was so embarrassed that her checks had began to redden. "Well, as you would say we can't cry over spilled cows milk kicked over by a chicken." Pamela laughed loudly at her own joke. " Pamela Moran, are you making fun of me?" Roxy playfully punched her friend in the arm. "We had better hurry home. I think we should have a tribal meeting ASAP." "Yeah, I think you're right," said Pamela as she turned on the ignition and begin to pull slowly out of the parking space. As she glanced back in her review mirror she caught a glimpse of Joan leaving the exchange. Pamela had never seen anyone look so completely alone. For a brief moment, the idea entered her mind that maybe she should tell Joan the truth. Then she remembered her promise to Roland. They had all promised to keep each other's secrets. Roland had not betrayed her and kept quiet when she had been a surrogate. She owed him her silence, but still she couldn't remove the image of Joan's sad face from her mind.

Chapter 9:

Denise could tell that the seasons were changing. There was a new chill to the air as she stood waiting for Claudia Joy to answer the bell. Claudia Joy opened the door and greeted her with a warm and friendly smile. Roxy and Pamela were already in the living room enjoying their drinks. Pamela was laughing heartedly as Roxy described yet another escapade at the newly renovated Hump Bar. None of the ladies besides Roxy could bear to go back there since the explosion. Though Roxy always put on a brave front, she had been considering Trevor's suggestion of finding a job on post more and more.

"Claudia Joy" asked Denise, "what time is Roland's flight getting in tomorrow? Are you still picking him up at the airport?" Claudia Joy's smiled faded as she turned to Denise. "I already told Pamela and Roxy; he's not coming." "Not coming? Did he say why?" "Well, no he didn't, but I get the distinct feeling that it has everything to do with his not wanting to see Joan." Roxy who had just returned from the kitchen with a drink for Denise, let out a big sigh of relief. "So maybe this means they won't be getting a divorce." "Sorry Roxy," said Denise "but the divorce proceedings can still go on. Roland does not have to be present. His lawyer will be here on his behalf. They will just send him the papers to sign." Roxy thought for a moment. She hadn't realized it before, but Roland was her best male friend. She couldn't imagine life on post without him. She never said it openly to the others, but she had always secretly hoped that Roland and Joan could work things out. She missed having Roland around; they all missed him. "Well, you'd think he'd at least come to see us," said a dejected Roxy. "Hey, Pamela where are you going?" Roxy suddenly noticed that Pamela had collected her purse and keys and was headed for the door. "Lucus was feeling a little sick tonight. I think I had better go home and check on him." " Do you want me to come by and look at him?" offered a sympathetic Denise. "No, I think he will be fine. He is just suffering from a severe case of missing daddy." " That illness seems to be going around on post even in this house," commented Claudia Joy. " Emmaline has been a handful lately. She misses her sister now that Amanda is finally off at college. It doesn't help that Michael is here less and less because of all of his new responsibilities." " Is there anything we can do Claudia Joy?" asked Denise. "No, she'll be fine. She's a good girl. Besides, if I survived the last year of Amanda, I can survive anything. Pamela, you'd better get going. I hope Lucus feels better." " Yeah, I hope so too. See you guys tomorrow."

The whole trip over in the car Pamela had psyched herself up. She knew what she had to do. She just hoped that it would not cost her a dear friendship. But know, standing in front of the Burton quarters, she wasn't so sure. She would have walked away, but Joan suddenly appeared at door. " Pamela, I thought I heard someone out here. If you are looking for Roland, he's not here. In fact he's not coming. I just got a call from his lawyer." "No, actually Joan I knew he was not here. We knew he wasn't coming. I came to see you." Joan felt a twinge of pain in the pit of her stomach as she listened to Pamela. Roland had informed his friends personally that he wouldn't be coming. Yet, he had his lawyer to call her. It was really over. Tomorrow it would be official, but she knew her marriage was really over. " Umm Joan, may I come in?" " Pamela I'm sorry of course you can come in. You said you wanted to see me. I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything about Delta Force. It's a members only club; I'm not a member. I don't even know where they are or what they are doing. I'm sorry." " As much as I would love to know where my husband is, I didn't come here to discuss my husband; I'm here to discuss yours." "Roland, what about him?" "Joan, I need to tell you something. Roland told us this in confidence, but I feel you have a right to know. I don't know if this will help the situation at all, but you should at least know." " Know what?" " Roland lied to you when he said that he had an affair with that reporter. He lied on purpose hoping that you would want to leave him." " So, it is true." " You knew already?" " Well, I meet the reporter, Vanessa, a few weeks back and she told me that she hadn't sleep with Roland. I've been trying to get a straight answer out of him for weeks, but he just dodges all my questions." " So, Joan what are you going to do?" " What can I do. Obviously, Roland wants out of this marriage. I mean look what he has done to get rid of me." "Do you want out?" " Well, no. But what can I do? My husband hates me." " Joan, Roland doesn't hate you. He's in love with you. Something else is going on." " I know. Pamela do you know what it is? Please, you have to tell me." " Joan, if I knew I would tell you, but I don't. You are going to have to go to the source on this one." "How, he ignores all of my calls. He won't come here. I'm running out of options." " Well Joan, if your mountain won't come to you; you have to go to the mountain."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 10: Questions without answers

The air was so heavy with sorrow that it was palpable. Mark, Olivia, and Roland all sat silently. The usual happy and light dinner conversation had been replaced by the clank of silverware to plate. In fact the only human noise that could be heard was the melancholy humming of four year old Alexia, not totally oblivious to the sorrow of the adults around her yet yearning for her routine. "Lexxie, please stop that humming. Mommy has a headache." Mark shot Olivia a warning glance across the table. They had all agreed that it was bravest faces until Alexia was safely asleep. They would do all the day's activities as normal so as not to alarm her that anything might be wrong. In the early afternoon, Roland took Alexia for their now traditional afternoon walk. In the evening, Olivia ceremoniously took her to dance class then as usual they stopped at the local market to get dinner. Olivia and Mark cooked dinner as normal. They sat down to eat at 7 sharp as normal. They ate as normal. But, the evening was not normal, something loomed in the air. Though Alexia did not quite understand what was wrong she knew something was not right. "Mommy, do you know what I did at school today?" "No, baby what did you do?" was Olivia's patient reply. "I made a picture of our whole family!" "Gee, sweetie, I bet it's a great picture. Why don't you go get it so daddy, Uncle Roland, and I can all see it." Immediately, Alexia jumped for her chair in order to retrieve her family portrait from her book bag in the hallway. Within seconds she returned to the kitchen proudly displaying a crayon ridden picture of six very distinct stick figures. "Wow Lexxie," Mark beamed "I think this is one of your best drawings yet." Roland taking the picture from Alexia's hand added. "I agree with you daddy on that. You are the most talented four year old that I know." Alexia beamed with pride. "Who are all of these people in your picture, Pumpkin?" Roland inquired. Alexia pleased that all attention was now on her mounted her uncle's lap and began pointing out each figure. "Well, the one with the black hair is mommy, and the one with no hair is daddy." This brought a small laugh from Olivia. Alexia pleased that she had made her mother happy continued. "Uncle Roland this is you with the glasses, and this is Grandma." Olivia now really interested in the picture asked, "Honey, who is the last picture of? Is it Chance?" "No mommy, Chance is a dog not a person. It's auntie" "Auntie Jennifer?" suggested Mark. "Nope" "Auntie Natalie?" asked Olivia. "No" "Well, honey you don't have another auntie, so who is it?" "It's Auntie Joan. See, she's holding Uncle Roland's hand like they always do when they visit us together. "Mommy is Auntie Joan coming to stay with us too?" " No, Lexxie. Auntie Joan is not coming to stay with us. Give mommy your picture and after dinner we'll find someplace extra special to hang it. Now, get back in your chair and finish eating." "Mommy why isn't Auntie Joan coming to stay here? If Uncle Roland lives here shouldn't she live here too?" Roland chimed in trying to bring closure to a very sensitive topic. "Alexia, your Auntie Joan has a very important job for the government. She has to be there so that she can keep the country safe. Remember, we talked about it the last time I visited without her. That's why she went away for such a long time." "Has she gone away again?" asked Alexia. Mark sensing Roland's anguish turned to his daughter and said, "Alright Lex, that's enough questions for one meal. Do what your mommy says and finish your dinner." Alexia obediently returned to her chair and began pushing her green beans around her plate with her fork. " Lex, don't play with your food. Eat," warned her father. Alexia put one bean in her mouth and then turned to her mother. "Mommy?" "Yes, Lexxie." "Mommy, why are we sad?" Olivia unable to contain herself any longer rose from her chair and excused herself from the table barely escaping the room before being overcome with grief.

Alone in her room Olivia tried to regain her composure. She still had to bathe Lexxie and get through her bedtime story without another melt down. She had cried more in the past week than she had in the past fifteen years. She knew that she had to get a grasp on her emotions. Tears would not help the situation. She needed to start a plan of action. What was the worst case scenario? She couldn't think about that. If worse came to worst, the thought was too horrid to imagine. She pushed it far from her mind. All they really had to do was get through tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow this time tomorrow they would know for sure. Then and only then would Olivia plan for the worst, she needed to call Stan. He was handling Roland's divorce proceedings in the morning. She needed to make sure that he had arrived safely and everything was in order. That was a situation she could control. Picking up her phone from the bedside table, she dialed Stan's number. She hoped that this was the right thing to do. There was no answer from Stan so Olivia left a message telling him to call her back. Just then a faint knock sounded on her bedroom door followed by Roland's voice. "Sis, are you alright? Can I come in?" "Sure Ro, come in. I'm fine. I just lost it for a minute. I'm sorry. Hey, how are you doing?" " Well, I have my good moments and my bad, but I figure why worry until I have to." " Well that proves it; we must be twins because I was just thinking the exact same thing." "Livvy, I'm glad you decided to tell Mark what's going on. You'll need him to be with you tomorrow." "Yeah, I'm glad I told him too. We'll both need him tomorrow. So Roland, have you called mom yet?" "No, I decided to wait until we know something. I'll call her tomorrow." " Livvy, Lex is ready for her bath are you ready?" Mark's voice echoed from somewhere in the distance. "Duty calls," said Olivia with a smile. She gave Roland's hand a slight squeeze then followed her husband's voice down the hallway.

Chapter 11: We know in parts

Olivia and Roland had left before the sun even came up that morning. Mark, left behind, would join them after he saw Alexia safely off to school. While his daughter sat playing with a breakfast of cold cereal and fruit, he packed her lunch. Lexxie pushed the cereal around and around in the bowl. She did not like cereal. She liked waffles for breakfast. "Where's mommy?" she asked her father. "Lex, I already told you mommy had to go to a very important meeting with Uncle Roland this morning. You'll see her later on today. Now, finish your cereal so we won't be late." "But, I don't like cereal. I want a waffle. Mommy makes waffles." Alexia begin to whimper and clank her spoon angrily against her bowl. Mark, normally very patient with his daughter, could feel himself losing it. They needed to leave for school now. He could wait no longer. Alexia's whinning was only interrupted when a loud rap followed by the door chimes sounded on the front door. Mark looked up startled. "Who could that be at this time of morning?" Alexia was off to the front door before he could stop her. " Lex," he yelled running close behind her " don't you dare open that door!" Mark caught Alexia with her hand perched on the knob of the door. "I'll answer the door," he warned, "you go finish breakfast." Mark, opening the door, was suddenly thrown of guard. There standing on his doorstep was the last person that he expected to see today. "Catherine, what are you doing here?" he asked with a smile. He hugged his mother –in law, took her bags, and ushered her into the house. "Grandma," squealed Alexia from the kitchen. "How's my favorite grandchild?" Catherine asked with a smile.

Mark returned to the car after dropping Alexia off at her classroom. As soon as he got in and closed the door his mother- in law's questions begin. "What time? How soon will we know? How long until we get there?" Mark tried answering all of her questions as best he could. He knew she was worried. He was worried himself, but he had to be strong for Olivia. Though she would never admit it, he knew she relied on his strength.

After a short thirty-minute drive, Mark slowly turned the car into the parking lot and maneuvered into a parking space. Catherine looked sad as she turned to him. " I haven't been here since my husband died." Mark looked at her sympathetically. Olivia had often told him of the horrible impact her father's death had had on her mother. Catherine continued, "Now, it seems that the same disease that killed my husband has returned to claim my only son." "Catherine, we have to think positive. We don't know for sure. We won't know until the test are over today. Friday's test were inconclusive. That's why Dr. Norman thought it best for Roland to have some test done here today. Some of the best cancer specialist in the country work at this hospital. We have to believe the best. Roland and Olivia need you to think the best. Can you do that for them?" " I can do anything for Roland and Olivia." "Alright, good. Livvy and Roland are going to be happy to see you. So let's get going."

Chapter 12: Divorce 101

Stan Fisher couldn't believe it. He had come all the way to Charleston to do this favor for Olivia and now the wife and her lawyer hadn't shown up. Olivia had promised him this would be a no- brainer. Both sides wanted the divorce. There would be no bickering over little things, just an even break. Now, here he stood in the Charleston Courthouse all alone. Roland was stuck in Chicago and the soon to be ex-wife and her lawyer were over an hour late. Stan needed to call Olivia and ask her what she wanted him to do. He had called her twice, but had only gotten her voice mail. He called her office and her secretary said that she would be working from home today. Her home phone was his last option. The phone rang and rang but no answer. Stan decided he would go back to his hotel and wait. Olivia would eventually get his messages and call back, or maybe, LT. Col. Burton and her lawyer would appear. No matter, Charleston was a beautiful city and if Stan had to be stuck somewhere, here was as good of a place as anywhere.

Joan just couldn't go through with it. She had called her lawyer that morning to inform him that she had changed her mind. She would contest the divorce and go to court if need be. She would not just give up on her marriage. She wouldn't let Roland give up. Michael had given her the day off to handle her legal matters instead she was on a direct flight to Chicago. Pamela was right if the mountain wouldn't come to her; she had to go to the mountain. She didn't know what she would do or say. She just knew that she had to somehow convince Roland not to give up on their marriage. "The captain has turned on the seatbelt sign. Please place all seats and trays in an upright position. We will be landing at Chicago International Airport in five minutes." Five minutes, she had five minutes until she would know what was going to happen with the rest of her life.

Joan knew of only one other place to look for Roland, at Olivia's. She had gone to his office at Northwestern. His secretary said that he was on leave for a week. She had gone to the apartment address that he had given her when he left. The neighbor said that he hadn't been there in days not even to check the mail. Olivia's was the only place left. He had to be there. As her taxi pulled into Olivia's driveway, she looked at the perfection of it all. The yard was perfect. The flag hanging on the front porch was perfect. Even the few toys scattered on the walk way were perfectly placed. Olivia had the perfect life. The perfect home, the perfect husband, the perfect child, the perfect job and she made it all seem so easy and effortless. Joan hated that Roland always compared her to his sister. Olivia always cooked meals in the evening even though she worked all day. Olivia always made it home to tuck her daughter in at night. Olivia was always dressed to perfection and was perfectly at home in every environment. Though, Roland never said it, Joan knew that he was disappointed that she wasn't more like Olivia. Joan had lived in the shadow of perfect Olivia her whole marriage. She always felt that she never quite measured up. Olivia didn't make the situation any better. She constantly pointed out Joan's flaws at every opportunity. Joan knew that Olivia had never really liked her. She had feigned happiness when Roland announced that he and Joan would be married, but Joan could see the disappointment that she masked behind her sugary sweet smile. She had survived Olivia for nine years; one more day was not going to kill her. Proceeding up the walkway, she mustered all her courage and rang the bell. She waited, but there was no answer. She tried peering through the front windows, but all the rooms seemed to be devoid of human life. What would she do know? She had one last option before giving up and going home. Her return flight was scheduled for 18:30. It was already 13:00 hours, she had to move fast!

Joan hadn't been to Olivia's office in years. She was not even sure where to find her. It was much easier than she imagined because there wasn't a single soul in the State Prosecutors Office who didn't know and of course adore Olivia Burton – Jasper. An all too helpful intern walked Joan straight to the office door, Jordan, Olivia's secretary, was stacking papers on her desk. "Um excuse me," Joan whispered. "Yes, may I help you?" Joan recognized the familiar voice that had dismissed numerous phone calls from her. "Yes, is Prosecutor Burton – Jasper in?" "No, she's out of the office all day on a family emergency." "Is there something I can do for you?" "Well, I'm an old friend and I was in town visiting for the day and I thought I might stop by and see her." Jordan looked suspiciously at Joan, "Well I'm sure Ms. Burton will be sorry she missed you. What did you say your name was again?" Joan recovered quickly. "Could I leave a note for Olivia?" Jordan handed Joan a pad and pen from her desk while eyeing her with a hint of suspicion. "Will you excuse me for a moment?" Jordan asked. Jordan entered Olivia's private office and closed the door firmly behind her. Joan took advantage of her opportunity and flipped through the calendar on Jordan's desk. Listed under today's date was a tiny note Jordan had obviously written for herself. "Olivia at St. James's for test." St. James, why did Joan know that name? It suddenly registered in Joan's brain. She quickly left the office and found a cab outside. "St. James Hospital and please hurry," she instructed her driver.

Olivia was both shocked and relieved to see her mother walking off the elevator with Mark. Finally, she would have someone to lean on. Her mother was the one person in her life who never expected Olivia to be strong for them. She knew her mother was a safe place to fall. "Mama, what are you doing here? I am so happy to see you." Olivia nearly jumped into her mother's open arms. "Roland, didn't want you here for this ma." Catherine smiled at her daughter. "Where else would I be? My babies need me today. I'm here for both of you." Olivia was quite pleased that her mother had arrived. Her mother knew how to make even the most difficult situation seem a little brighter. "So, how are things going with Roland?" asked Mark. "His test got started right around 8:30. He had to be sedated and I guess everything is fine. I heard no news." "Well, Livvy the best part of that is no news is good news, right," Mark chuckled in reply. "Yeah," said Olivia, "but I sure would like some news. I'm really worried. This is just the way things started with Daddy. Mom don't you remember." " Livvy, I remember your dad's illness far too well. But, we must think the best for your brother's sake. Hopefully, the doctor's have caught this in time." " Hopefully, mama, I hope there is nothing to catch." "How would you ladies like me to treat you to a cup of coffee?" Mark asked. "That would be great," responded Catherine. "Come on Livvy. Sitting here worrying will not make the test go any faster. Let's let this handsome guy buy us some coffee." With a slight smile Olivia took her mother's hand and Mark's arm and the three went to have coffee in the cafeteria.

Chapter 13: Joan v. Olivia – Round 1

"Oh yes, Dr. Burton's family, they were here just a minute ago." The charge nurse stood peering at Joan over a pair of drug store glasses. "I think they went for a snack. They should be right back. Why don't you go over to the family waiting room and wait for them there. We'll come and get you all when Dr. Burton's test are all done." Joan was confused, but she thanked the nurse and headed for the family waiting area. Roland was having test done. He must be very sick. He was sick; she was his wife and she didn't have a clue as to what was wrong with him. Had this been the reason for his strange departure to Chicago and his refusal to have a conversation with her? Joan's head was spinning. She needed to find out what was going on. She wanted answers. She wanted the truth. Joan heard familiar voices in the hallway. Olivia, Mark, and Catherine were returning. Joan rose to meet them at the door. Just as she was about to turn the handle, a new voice came from the hallway. "Mrs. Burton- Jasper, your brother came through the first test fine. We have a few more test to run and then we will know something concrete." "How much longer until you are all done?" Joan heard Olivia ask. "Just a few more hours, I know this is difficult for your family, but we need to be sure." Joan could restrain herself no longer. She stepped into the hallway. The shock of her prescience showed on everyone's face. She looked directly at the doctor and asked, "Sure of what? What do you need to be sure of about my husband" "Joan, this does not concern you," Olivia snapped. "In case you have forgotten Roland is my husband Olivia. If it concerns him; it concerns me." "Roland is your husband, Joan. Is that what you're calling him this week? What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be on post commanding something or getting PTSD treatment or maybe getting ready for another two year deployment." "Livvy, calm down," Mark warned softly. "I will not calm down!" Olivia's voice rose as her anger mounted. "This woman has been abusive and neglectful to my brother for their entire marriage. He finally has had the good sense to call it quits and now she shows up here at one of the worst possible moments of his life wanting to play the role of his wife. Where was his wife six months ago when all of this got started? That's right she was still deployed. "Where was his wife when he needed someone to hold his hand for the that first doctor's visit? Once again she was off taking care of herself. Or where was his wife when Roland begged her to choose a life with him?" Olivia waved her hands frantically in mockery. "I know, I know, she was off becoming the 2nd in command on post. She was off once again putting the military before her husband. She wants a military career not a marriage! She has no husband here. Their divorce was final this morning. So don't you dare tell me to calm down. Tell her to get out! Roland does not want her here." "Olivia," Catherine interjected, "this is neither the time nor the place. I want you to calm down and go in the waiting area sit down and wait. Dr. Patterson, I apologize for my daughter's behavior. She is just worried about her brother." "Really, Mrs. Burton I understand. Things like this are as hard on the family as the patient. I promise we'll be as quick as possible." Catherine quickly took over her duties as family matriarch. She gently maneuvered Joan and Olivia to opposite sides of the room. Mark was dispersed to sit with a fuming Olivia while Catherine herself took a seat next to Joan. For the next hour the waiting room would remain perfectly still and quiet. Joan's voice finally broke the silence. "Catherine, will you please tell me what's going on with Roland?" "Honey, don't you know? Roland….. the doctor's think that Roland has cancer. Catherine gave her words a moment to register then she continued. "It's the same type of cancer that killed his father. He's been seeing doctor's for months. Didn't you know?" The news had been a total shock to Joan. Cancer, Roland had cancer. "No, I didn't know" Joan replied softly. Across the room Olivia muttered, "How would she know; she ignores him 99 of the time." "Olivia, you are not helping," was Mark's warning reply. "Maybe we should go and get some air." "Mark, if you want air, go and get some. I am not leaving this room until someone comes and tells me what is going on with my brother." Olivia folded her arms and closed her eyes to fight back the tears that she felt looming. She would not give Joan the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

Joan felt awful inside. Roland had been sick for almost six months and he never once bothered to tell her. Suddenly, missing pieces of the puzzle that she had been working on over the past few weeks begin to fall into place. Roland's sudden need to start a family right away and his zeal for doing all of the things in life that he had wanted to do, it was all beginning to make sense. Roland had believed that he was dying. Roland could be dying. The weight of the situation hit Joan hard in her heart. The man she loved and the father of her child could possibly be dying. How could she have been so clueless, so insensitive, so… Her thoughts were interrupted by the sudden appearance of a nurse in the room. "Dr. Patterson sent me to tell you that Dr. Burton has finished his test successfully. He is still sedated and it will be another twenty or thirty minutes then you all can see him." "Thank you nurse," responded Mark. "Well, thank God that is over," said Catherine. "Yeah, but the worst could still be yet to come," responded Olivia softly.

Chapter 14: You stay

"Yes, thank you Sir. I'll tell him. No, sir I'm fine. I'll see you in a few days. Good evening Sir." Joan sat alone in the waiting area. She had just finished calling Michael to ask his permission to stay in Chicago a few days more. She was determined not to leave until she had a chance to talk with Roland. She had told Michael everything that was going on, or at least as much as she knew, he was very understanding. He told her to take as much time as she needed. He was sorry to hear about Roland's illness and hoped that he would make a speedy recovery. Joan glanced at her watch. It had been four hours since the nurse had come out to tell them that Roland was back in his room. Olivia had seen Roland, Catherine had seen Roland even Mark had seen Roland, but Roland refused to see Joan. Olivia wouldn't look at her when she returned from his room; she simply told Catherine he wanted to see her. Catherine, always the diplomat, said that Roland was very tired and had fallen asleep so maybe Joan could see him later. It had gone on much this same way all afternoon. The three went in and out of Roland's room while Joan was left waiting. In fact, all three were now saying their goodbyes for the night. It was well after six and Olivia and Mark needed to get home for Alexia. Olivia also felt that her mother needed a rest. Mark returned to the waiting area; he glanced at Joan and smiled, but said nothing. "Mark, how's Roland doing?" She had to ask. "He's a little weak and tired, but no worse for wear. They are keeping him here over night just to observe him. He'll be discharged in the morning after he gets his test results." "Thanks." "Joan, I am sorry that he is refusing to see you. We've tried to talk to him about it, but he.." Mark cut his words short as he heard Olivia's voice approaching in the hallway. She and Catherine were in a bit of an argument. "Mama, you need to go home and rest. I will not let you sit at a hospital all night. It's silly. I'll stay. You go home with Mark." Catherine never one to be told what to do was not even hearing Olivia's protest. " He is my son and I will stay with him. You go home with your husband and daughter." "Now mama, please be reasonable. You know that you need to rest. You have been here all day." " Well little girl, I could say the same thing to you." The two entered the waiting area still bickering. Catherine turned to Mark and said, "Mark, son, will you please take your wife home." Mark let out a small laugh. "Catherine, I learned a long time ago that I can't take my wife anywhere she doesn't want to go. But for what it is worth, I think all of us should go home. Roland already said he didn't need anyone staying the night with him." " Of course, he said that," answered Olivia, "because he doesn't want anyone worrying or fussing over him. He doesn't really mean it. We can't leave him here alone. He'll stay up all night worrying about the test results. That will not be good for him." "Alright then why don't you three ladies go home and I'll stay." "Oohh, Mark that is sweet of you to offer, but honey you can't stay. You have a very important meeting at 9 sharp in the morning. Did you forget? You need to be fresh and on your game. That will not happen if you sleep at a hospital all night." "Then that settles it," announced Catherine "Mark, go home so you will be ready for your meeting and Olivia, go home with him so he will be ready for in the morning. Besides, I think the two of you should be home with your daughter. I'm staying" "Alexia," Olivia thought out loud " I have not lain eyes on her all day. Mark can't stay. Mama, you can't stay either. I will not let you stay here and sleep in a chair all night and that is final. I am the only one who can realistically stay. So, you guys go; I'll stay. Kiss Lexxie for me and tell her I'll call her before bedtime." Joan spoke quietly from the corner. "I can stay." Six eyes turned intently towards her. Olivia let out a snippy little laugh and sighed heavily. Catherine looking rather sympathetic spoke up. "Honey, I just don't think that is such a good idea. You need rest more than any of us. The best thing that you can do for Roland is to take care of his baby. You'll go home with Mark and me. The two of us can come back together in the morning." "Yeah Joan," chimed in Mark, "you should rest for the baby. You have been waiting around here for hours today. We'll go home and eat and get a good night's rest, so we can be fresh for tomorrow." Olivia said nothing and avoided making any eye contact with Joan. She simply picked up her mother's sweater from a chair and began helping her mother into it. Joan spoke up. "Listen guys I'm fine. My baby is fine. If I go home with you, I won't be able to eat or sleep. Since I'll be restless anyway, I might as well be restless here. Catherine, you need to rest and Mark and Olivia need some family time with their daughter. I'm the only one who has nothing to do. So, I'll stay. If you think it will upset Roland, I'll just stay in here. I won't go to his room, but I'll be here if he needs me." "I don't know," said Catherine "it seems to me.." Catherine's words were cut short by Olivia's voice. "NO, wait mama, maybe Joan should stay. She is his wife, and she came all this way to be with him. She can stay and we'll go and come back in the morning. Roland will most likely sleep all night anyway. It'll be fine." Everyone in the room was taken back by Olivia's words. No one could believe that she of all people would argue for Joan to stay. Joan knew that Olivia had some trick up her sleeve, but she didn't care. She would finally get to see Roland when they were all gone. They would finally be alone with no Olivia or anyone else to keep them from talking. It was all she cared about. Catherine couldn't believe her ears. What was Olivia saying? What was she doing? Olivia had been in the room when Roland made it abundantly clear that he wanted Joan no where near him. Olivia had remained silent then too. She held Roland's hand and listened never saying a word. Catherine didn't understand why Olivia had become so suddenly quiet. Now, she was actually advocating Joan staying at the hospital. This must be a part of some scheme that her twins had worked out together. She had been a witness to so many of their twin schemes that she had long ago learned not to let it bother her. Since the two were in grade school, there had been endless phone calls from teachers and other parents about these schemes. Even in their early adulthood, there had been schemes on boyfriends, girlfriends, and everyone in between. She had thought with them being older and married more settled that there scheming days had finally come to an end. Olivia was a mother now and Roland was soon to be a father. They were much too old for this. She planned to speak with them about this very issue just as soon as they knew more about Roland's condition. Only one person in the room knew that Olivia wasn't scheming. Mark had noticed a change in Olivia all day. Olivia, who was normally very vocal and outgoing, had become quite and sullen for most of the day. In fact, she had barely said ten words since her earlier outburst with Joan. Mark knew this meant only one thing, Olivia was thinking. Mark had watched this all afternoon. Olivia said nothing even when Roland went on and on about how much he depended on her and needed her. Mark thought it was just all the drugs they had given him talking, but Livvy seemed focused on something else. Mark knew that Olivia was thinking carefully about Roland's words. He would ask her about her silence later tonight when they were alone. He somehow knew that her offer to let Joan stay was genuine what he didn't know was why. He would ask that too. He spoke up, "Livvy, Catherine ready to go?" Both Catherine and Olivia walked toward the door followed closely by Mark. Olivia turned and looked directly at Joan. "Have a good night," she said. Without waiting for a reply she walked out the room and to the elevator. Joan speaking more to herself than anyone else replied, "I plan to."

Chapter 15: The Value of Truth

Joan sat waiting. What she was waiting for she had no idea. It had been almost a half hour since Roland's family had left. Every time that she thought she might venture down the hallway; she stopped herself. Finally, unable to stall herself any longer she rallied all of her courage and proceeded down the long hallway. Standing outside of Roland's door she feared this could be one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She knocked lightly on the door. No answer came from inside, so she knocked again. Still no answer, she pushed the door open slowly. The curtains were drawn and the lights were lowered inside the room. There in the center of the room lay Roland fast asleep. Joan inched closer to the bed. It had been nearly two and a half months since she had seen him. Now, face to face, she took a moment to drink him in the curvature of his face, the buffness of his physique, that silly grin that he always wore when sleeping. When they were first married, Joan always imagined that Roland must have had good dreams every night. Sometimes she would sit for hours just watching him sleep and wondering what dreams of happiness he could be imagining. Nine years later, she still was in awe of him when he slept. He stirred a little, but did not wake. Joan moved in closer maybe she could touch him just for a minute without waking him. She was now standing beside his bed. She looked down at his face. He seemed so peaceful and without care. She had not seen that look on his face in a long time. Maybe Olivia was right, she was toxic for him. Maybe their marriage had caused him too much pain and grief. He seemed so tranquil now and they had only been apart two months. She reached out and took his hand slowly into her own. She caressed each of his fingers then laid his hand back on the bed. Standing beside him, she made a decision; things were as they were. She would go away and leave him alone; it was what he wanted. The truth no longer mattered; she just wanted him to be happy. He was happy without her. She had to face this fact and move on. She backed away from the bed and turned to retreat to the waiting area, but the sound of his voice stopped her dead in her tracks. "Joan"

He had known she was there. He had smelled the familiar aroma of her perfume when she entered. He pretended to be asleep because he did not want to see her. He couldn't face her. It had been almost unbearable as he lay there with her touching his hand. He wanted to reach back, but he couldn't. As she turned to go away, he wanted her to leave, but something inside of him couldn't let her go.

"I'm sorry did I wake you?" Joan responded but remained facing the door. "No, I wasn't asleep" was Roland's reply. "Joan, you don't have to go. Stay a minute. Talk to me." Joan was surprised. Roland had just invited her to stay after weeks of telling her to leave him alone. She was curious. Regaining her composure, she turned and walked back towards the bed taking the seat closest to Roland. The two sat not saying anything for what seemed to Joan to be a lifetime. They looked at the other searching for some clue of what the other might be thinking. Roland finally spoke. "So, I guess you know about the cancer?" "Yeah, I know." "Who told you, Joan?" "You should have told me Roland." "I couldn't. I didn't want this to be your problem." "Roland we are married. How could this not be my problem? You are my husband and you are sick. You told everyone that you were sick except me. Do you know how that makes me feel?" "I'm sorry Joan." "I don't want you to be sorry Roland. I want you to tell me why. Why weren't you honest with me. If there is one thing that I thought we had in our marriage, it was honesty. Now, I find out that you have lied to me about a lot of things. Important things." "You're right Joan. I have not been honest with you for a long time." "Why Roland, why couldn't you tell me the truth?" "Because Joan, I knew that you didn't want to hear it." "Roland, what are you talking about?" " Joan, I knew that my being sick was something that you couldn't handle. You had your own issues and I did not want to add this to the pile." "Roland, if I had known that you were sick, I would have done anything to help you." "I know that Joan and I couldn't let you do that. I knew that you would have retired and taken care of me. But you would have resented me for it. I did not want you to blame me for missing out on a great opportunity. I could not live with myself." " So, you would rather leave me thinking that you had cheated on me and that you hated me?" "I could never hate you Joan." "That's what it feels like Roland. I feel that you hate me and I don't know why. I call you and you don't return my phone calls. You have everyone from your sister to your friends on post covering for you and dodging me. I know you say you don't hate me, but that's exactly what it feels like." "I'm sorry Joan, but I just couldn't talk to you. I had to keep my distance. This is best for everyone." "No Roland, this is best for you." "Joan you'll see. Us not being together is best for you and me. It will be best for the baby." " Roland, what are you talking about?" "I'm dying Joan. I'm dying and I don't want you or our child to see me that way. I don't want you to have the memories of me sick and dying that my mother has of my father. I don't want our child to know me that way. That's the way I remember my father. Out of everything that he ever did for me, the only clear memories that I have of him now are the ones of him in a bed in this hospital dying. I want better for our child." "Roland, you are not going to die, at least not any time soon." " I wish I had died in that explosion at the Hump Bar." " Roland, what is wrong with you. Don't say that." " I will say it because it's true. If I had died then, my entire family could have been spared what is coming later." "Roland, we don't know what is coming later. We will not know until tomorrow, but whatever happens none of us would have been better off if you had died in that explosion." "Joan, I think you should go now." "What?" " I think you should go now. I need to be alone. I want to be left alone." Tears had started to flow slowly down Roland's cheeks. Joan was angry because he had dismissed her, but through her anger she could feel his sadness and his loneliness. She would not leave him like this. She would not give up again. "I'm sorry Roland, but I can't leave. I won't leave. I am staying here with you so deal with it." "Please Joan, can't you see that this is over. Just go. Move on with you life. There is nothing left here." "No Roland, I will not just move on with my life- not without you. You may not be willing or able to fight for yourself, but I will not let you give up. We will fight this and we will either win or die trying. Do you hear me?" "Yeah, I hear you and it's the dying that I'm afraid of." Joan rose from her chair and released the side bed rail. Roland looked up at her confused. "Move over," she said "I'll lay with you until you fall asleep." Roland pushed over a little in the bed making room for Joan to get in. She put her arms around him and Roland laid his head on her shoulder. Being so close to him Joan could feel the beat of his heart and feel the warmth of his breath. It was a familiar feeling, a nice feeling. Roland couldn't help taking in the full air of Joan's scent. He had never been able to figure out how she managed to smell so good even after a day of maneuvers and field training. He loved her smell. As she caressed his arm gently; he remembered how much he loved her touch. That smell and that touch was what he had fallen asleep to for countless nights over the past nine years. Tonight was no different. He was uncertain of the hour when sleep came, but when he opened his eyes sunlight flooded the room through the drawn drapes. Morning had come and Joan lay sleeping softly beside him.

Chapter 16: Letting Go

Viewing the scene in Roland's room that morning, Olivia knew she had done the right thing. She and her mother had arrived at the hospital a little after 8. They looked for Joan in the family waiting area when she was not there they went to Roland's room. There the two of them lay wrapped in each other arms as comfortable as if they had been sleeping at Buckingham Palace. Olivia knew in that moment that she had done the right thing. She also knew that what she would have to do later would be one of the hardest things she had ever done before in her life. She wanted Roland's happiness, but could Joan give him that happiness. She had to be sure. Deciding to let Joan and Roland sleep until Dr. Patterson arrived with the test results, Catherine and Olivia went to the cafeteria to wait. Catherine sensing the anxiety in her daughter watched Olivia with great intensity. Olivia was in serious thinking mode; she had been since yesterday. She was always uncharacteristically quiet when she was thinking. Catherine would have forgotten that Olivia was even sitting at the table with her but for Olivia's heavy sighing. "Honey" Catherine broached the subject with caution, "you have to do this." "I know ma, but it's hard. I'm not sure" "Letting go is always hard honey. You will never be really sure. You need to let go. I had to and now so do you. It won't be easy, but time will ease the pain. It's not forever. It's for right now." " Mama, I never ever wanted to make this choice, but ….." Just then Joan arrived looking a bit winded. "Olivia, Catherine, the nurses told me that you were down here. Dr. Patterson's here with the test results. The three ladies rushed from the hospital cafeteria and raced back to Roland's room. Dr. Patterson was already there with two of his interns. The tension in the room was so thick that it was hard for everyone to catch a breath. Dr. Patterson acknowledged the arrival of the ladies. "Good morning, I know you are all anxious to hear what I have to say, so let's just get started." Catherine reached and grabbed Olivia's hand. Olivia in turn reached for Joan's hand. The connection startled them both. The three women held on to each other though all of them had their eyes set on Roland. Roland for his part seemed calm and ready for the news good or bad. The doctor continued, "Roland your prognosis is good. All the test indicate that the cellular masses that Dr. Norman found in your prostate area are non malignant and cancer free. We are not sure why these masses formed, but we removed them yesterday. Hopefully, they will not return, but you will need to check in with Dr. Norman every three months for the next year just to be certain." The three women all let out cheers and began hugging each other. Catherine even hugged Dr. Patterson and his three interns. Roland spoke up from his bed, "Hey is anybody going to hug me?" At this all three women descended upon him and his was soon smothered in hugs and kisses. Olivia though relieved pulled away from the group. The weight of the assignment ahead of her returned leaving her with a sharp pain in her head. She moved from the happy scene towards the door. She needed to be by herself for a moment to collect her thoughts. She walked towards the door. Joan noticing her leaving asked, "Olivia are you alright?" Olivia forced a smile. "Yes, I'm fine. I just promised Mark I would call as soon as we knew something. I need to find a signal in the building. I'll be right back." "Livvy, offered Roland "why not just use the room phone?" Olivia sighed and smiled, "Sure Ro, you're right. I can use this phone. I guess I wasn't thinking."

Mark of course was ecstatic to hear the good news. He promised that he would get away from the office to meet everyone at home as soon as he possibly could. One of Dr. Patterson's interns returned with Roland's release papers and the three women busied themselves getting Roland ready to go home. Roland was glad that he finally could go home. In his mind, however, one question still remained, where was home exactly?

Chapter 17: Joan v. Olivia – Round 2

Olivia and Catherine had pulled out all the stops for Roland's welcome home dinner. All of his favorite foods had been prepared. There was nothing in the world that Roland loved more than his mama's home cooking and Olivia's baking. Catherine had cooked a roast with oven roasted potatoes, baby carrots, yams, greens, macaroni and cheese, and homemade corn bread. Olivia for her part had baked Roland's favorite dessert a double chocolate layer cake. The house was filled with laughter and the pleasant odor of home cooking. Everyone was happy to have Roland home and secure in the knowledge that he would soon be better. The family talked, laughed, and reminisced over dinner. Catherine entertained the group telling her favorite stories from Roland and Olivia's childhood. There was the time that they refused to attend Easter Services' on principle because Olivia had taken great offense to the dying of baby chicks the day before at the annual egg hunt. There was also the time that Roland aided by Olivia announced that he was dropping out of school to pursue a life long dream of playing in a jazz band. Catherine loved to tell stories about Olivia and Roland. Joan and Mark loved hearing stories about the dynamic duo before they knew them. Olivia and Roland had had a lot of adventures together. They spent a summer doing missionary work in Honduras at 17 with their church group. They back packed across Europe at 20. They had even worked for The Peace Corps for two years after graduating college. As their mother told countless stories about the adventures of her wonder twins, Olivia thought. Roland filled almost every memory of her life. He was with her on the day that they were born. He was there holding her hand the day their father died. They stood holding each other and their mother when they buried him. Roland was with her the first time she ever laid eyes on Mark. Roland was there wiping her tears and giving her away the day she got married. Roland had even been with her on the day that she gave birth. She couldn't imagine a day of her life without Roland. Now, thanks to her plan she wouldn't have to. But was she right? Was she doing the right thing? That gnawing headache had returned. Olivia excusing herself from the conversation began taking the dinner dishes into the kitchen. She was scrapping the plates and loading them into the dishware when she noticed that Joan stood in the door of the kitchen watching her. Olivia continued her task but asked, "Joan do you need something?" Joan entered the kitchen and closed the door leading to the dining room behind her. Olivia was nervous at the thought of a conversation with Joan, but never one to let her emotions show continued as if unphased by her unwelcomed guest. "Olivia, I was wondering if you and I could have a talk." "Sure Joan, what do you want to talk about?" "I was just wondering. What is it exactly about me that you dislike so much that you would try and break – up my marriage." Olivia, now on the defense, put down the dish in her hand and turned to face Joan. "Excuse me, I didn't do anything to break-up your marriage. This was not about hurting you Joan. This was about helping my brother." "So, your way of helping Roland was to get him to divorce me?" "Listen Joan, the divorce was not my idea or Roland's. It was yours. You were the one who wanted a divorce. Remember? Roland only asked for a trial separation." Joan had to admit Olivia was good. She could certainly see why she made such a great lawyer. She had a spin on the truth that was quite believable. Joan however knew the real Olivia. The one that could manipulate any member of her family into doing exactly what she wanted, everyone that is except Joan. She would not let Olivia wiggle her way out of this. She would force her to admit to what she had done. "Yeah Olivia, he asked for the separation. But, you had already fixed things to back me in a corner, so that I would have no choice but to ask for a divorce." "Joan, I appreciate the compliment, but how did I have you backed in a corner. I wasn't even anywhere around." "Of course you were around Olivia, you were the little devil behind all of Roland's thoughts and actions. You told Roland to lie to me about the affair with that reporter. You sent Roland to give me the ultimatum my career or our marriage. Those things were all your doing." "You're right Joan all those ideas were mine. But the responses to those ideas were all you. They had nothing to do with me." " I have to admit you set the trap good. You discredited me with my husband and you almost got him to divorce me. You must be really proud of yourself." "Actually Joan, I am proud of myself. I unselfishly helped my brother when he needed me. Can you say the same? You, you refused to help him because your career was your top priority and you will have to live with that decision- not me." "Unselfishly helped? Olivia this whole thing was about your selfishness. You want Roland all to yourself. You would have rather died than have me take care of him. This whole plan was about you being his heroine and me being the villainess. You have always needed to be his number one his go to girl. You would have stepped over your own mother if she had gotten in the way of your being first with him." Olivia knowing that she had rattled Joan maintained her composure. She spoke in a calm and clear voice, "Joan maybe you need a nap or something. I really think you are losing your grasp on reality again." Joan's anger was mounting by the minute. "It is not going to work Olivia. You are not going to dismiss me. I am staying here until you admit the truth. You can not now nor have you ever accepted the fact that Roland married me. You have not liked me since the first day that we meet. You have always thought that I was not good enough for your brother. You have spent our whole marriage trying to get rid of me." Olivia's composure begin to crack as she shot back. "That is a lie! I tried to like you Joan. I tried to include you and make you a member of this family, but you didn't want that. If anyone has tried to break –up a relationship it is you. You have always been jealous of Roland's and my relationship. I know that is why you conveniently had yourself transferred to Fort Marshall. You didn't have to go to South Carolina. It wasn't the army that sent you. You asked to be transferred to get Roland away from me." Joan sensing that the tables were turning smiled and said, "Olivia, maybe it's you who needs a nap. I have no control over where the army sends me." "Really Joan, because I have a friend a certain Colonel Marks he would say differently. The army wasn't going to transfer you. You put in for that transfer." "Maybe, I did asked to be transferred, but it was only because I couldn't deal with you another day. Everyday, the two of you talked on the phone 20 – 30 times a day. There was the weekly tennis match, the twice a week dinners, the weekend family outings. We spent almost every day of our lives with you. You couldn't let me have him by myself just one day –one day Olivia was all that I wanted." "Joan we did all of those things before we ever even knew you. Why does it bother you so much that Roland and I are close? Mark doesn't have a problem with it. Why are you so upset?" " Mark does have a problem with it, but he will never say anything about it because that would upset you. Mark lives not to upset you. He accepted your relationship with Roland as a fact of his life. But, that doesn't mean that I have to." The argument was cut short by Mark who opened the door and asked, "Hey Joan, where's the tea? Everyone's waiting." Mark could tell that he had interrupted a heavy conversation. He felt tremendously uncomfortable. Olivia had a look on her face that spelled trouble. His first instinct was to bolt back through the door behind him, but that would alarm the others that something was wrong. He stood there looking from Olivia to Joan and back again. "Why don't I just make the tea myself," he said nervously. "Mark," Olivia was glaring at him, "do you have a problem with the relationship between Roland and me?" "Why would I have a problem with your relationship with your brother? I love Roland just as you do. We're fine. Everyone is fine." " Mark," this time it was Joan who spoke "why don't you tell her the truth. Tell her that she and Roland have always put each other before either of us." "Joan, stop putting words in his mouth. He's an adult. He can speak for himself. Look Mark, just tell me the truth. I can take it." Mark knew that he was in dangerous waters. Telling Olivia anything that she didn't want to hear could be dangerous. He and Olivia had always been open with one another in every aspect of their life except this one. Mark had grown to accept that he came third on Olivia's list behind Alexia and Roland. He could live with that. He knew that Olivia loved him and that she worked hard at being a good wife and mother. For him, it was enough. Some men would have needed to be first in their wife's life, but somehow Olivia even made third place seem special. "Mark," Olivia had become impatient, "do you have a problem with my relationship with my brother. It's a yes or no question." Mark weighed his options before speaking. Could he tell her the truth? There was a pause and Olivia stood waiting for his response. Finally, it came. "Truthfully Livvie, yes I do." There he had said it. "What about my relationship with Roland bothers you?" "Do you really want to know?" "Yes, I really want to know!" "Well, I think that it is unhealthy that the two of you are so interdependent. You are not two thirteen year old kids anymore who just lost your father. You are both adults with separate lives and relationships. Yet, when anything major happens in either of your lives it becomes the Roland and Olivia show. The two of you refuse to let anyone else in but each other." "That's not true. Mark, I have never shut you out of my life." "Livvy," Marked walked over and took her by the hand, "last year when we lost our baby, do you remember what happened?" "Of course I remember losing our baby." "I know you remember the miscarriage, but do you remember what else happened? Roland was the first person that you called from the hospital. He was in South Carolina; I was here. I'm your husband, and it was my baby too. But you didn't call me first, you called Roland. I can't tell you how much that hurt me." Olivia looked at Mark. She could see the pain in his face and hear the hurt in his voice. She had never realized. She had only wanted to protect him. She had wanted to be together herself before she told him. She had to be strong for him. Why didn't he know that? "Mark, I'm sorry. You're right and I'm sorry. It's just that for so long it has been Roland and me. Sometimes, I think we both forget that it's not just the two of us anymore. It's the four of us. It's the six soon to be seven of us. Sometimes us isn't Roland and me. Sometimes us should just be you and me or Roland and Joan. Oh my God. What have I done?" The tea kettle's whistle reminded the three that dinner was still going on in the next room. Olivia returned to loading the dishwasher. Mark finished the tea tray and both he and Joan returned to the dining room. Olivia was left alone with her thoughts. She was lost in thought when a familiar voice rang in her ear. "Penny for your thoughts." "Roland, we need to talk," was Olivia's somber reply.

Chapter 18: Old Habits die Hard

Roland did not like the tone of Olivia's voice when she announced that they needed to talk. He knew instinctively that their conversation would not be pleasant. Whenever Livvy used her "we need to talk" voice it meant that she would be telling Roland what he had done wrong. Roland couldn't imagine what this little speech could be about. Though his and Livvy's plan had not gone off exactly as planned, everything had worked itself out. The only foreseeable problem to Roland was getting Joan on a plane and back to South Carolina. He had decided that no matter what he would not return to life on post. The post had become a place of great discomfort for him. There were a lot of memories there that he would much rather forget. He would remain in Chicago and continue his work at Northwestern. He and Joan would work out an amicable arrangement for the baby and life would once again be normal. In time, he would work Joan out of his system. "Everything will be fine," he told himself though he didn't really believe it. He would never get over Joan, but he just couldn't go back especially now. Before, he had the distraction of his looming illness to occupy himself, but now there would be too much time to think. Thinking meant remembering and there were some things on post that he was determined to forget. "Hey Roland, want to watch a movie with me?" Joan asked from the doorway of his room. "I rented our favorite 'Love and Basketball.'" Roland looked at the spot where she stood. She looked radiant; pregnancy really agreed with Joan. She had such a hopeful look in her eyes. Roland instantly felt guilty. He knew that she was hoping that he would return with her that he wouldn't go through with the divorce. He didn't know how he would break the news to her. It would break her heart all over again. "I'd love to but I promised Livvy that we would have a little twin time tonight." He could see the disappointment written all across her face. "But, when we are done I'll come down and join you." Joan was disappointed. "O.K., yeah, sure, later" was Joan's cool response.

Olivia had won again. She not Joan would spend the evening with Roland. Joan had hoped that she and Olivia had come to an agreement during their dinner discussion. She thought Olivia understood that she and Roland needed to spend time reconnecting. She was wrong. Roland would be spending the night with his twin. "Twin time" of all the time that Roland and Olivia spent together twin time was the worst. They would laugh and talk together for hours without end. Numerous times they had fallen asleep talking and either Olivia would crash at Joan and Roland's or Roland crashed at Olivia and Mark's. "Hey Joan, what are you up to?" Olivia flashed Joan a smile as she entered the den. She began busying herself picking up the toys that Alexia had left behind earlier in the evening. "Well, I rented a movie for Roland and I to watch, but he is well, umm, busy tonight." Olivia catching the tone in Joan's voice replied, "Sorry, I didn't know you guys were supposed to watch a movie. I asked Roland for a little twin time tonight." "I know Olivia. Roland already told me." Olivia was disturbed by Joan's attitude, but she was determined to not argue. "You guys can still watch a movie tonight. We won't be long. I promise. Besides, I want to spend some alone time with someone else tonight. But, I need to talk to Roland and it can't wait." Olivia finished tidying the den and started to walk away. Joan called to her, "Livvie." "Hmm?" "Thanks" Olivia gave a smile and a nod, "You're welcomed."

Mark heard Olivia's familiar footsteps passing his office door. She was going upstairs to have twin time with Roland. Mark knew this meant that he would probably not see her again until morning. Twin time always meant hours and hours of Roland and Olivia together. The last twin time had been the night before Roland was admitted to the hospital. Olivia had ended up spending all night in Roland's room. Mark looked down at his work. He would have plenty of time to get it done. Catherine was entertaining Alexia for the evening which left Mark with nothing to do but work. When all else failed, there was always his work.

Chapter 19: Twin Time

Olivia was actually nervous as she entered Roland's room. She had practiced what she would say over and over again in her head. But, now that they were here, she had forgotten every thing that she had planned. She curled up next to Roland on his bed. It was a familiar routine. She and Roland had performed this routine countless times in the past. Roland looked at her waiting and expecting. She wondered if he could read her thoughts. "So Ro, how are you feeling? Are you still having pains from the stitches?" " I have a little pain, but mostly I'm o.k." Olivia adjusted herself so that she and Roland now lay face to face. "Are you really fine? Are you pleased with what the doctor's told us or do you want to get a third or maybe a fourth opinion?" "Livvy, stop worrying. I believe the doctor's report. I'm fine. You need to believe that. I do." "Roland, I'm happy to hear you say that because I need to say something to you and I need you to listen. If I thought for one second that you were not well, I would never say this to you. I need you to really hear what I am going to say, because I can only say it once." "Livvy you can tell me anything. I always listen to you." Olivia sighed deeply and nervously wringed her hands over and over again. Finally, she found the voice to speak. "Roland, I think maybe we need to spend some time apart from each other." "What?" "I said we need to spend some time apart." "What do you mean apart?" "I mean some days maybe weeks where you and I don't talk on the phone for hours or spend whole afternoons playing hookie. You know - apart." "No, I don't know. What's this all about? Did Joan tell you to say this? Mark? Olivia! What are you saying?" Olivia fought hard to hold on to her composure. "We were wrong Roland. We have been wrong for a long time. We should have never hidden your illness from Joan or Mark, or mama. We were wrong." Olivia hung her head in shame. Roland looked at her a little angry, but very confused. "I agree with you. We should not have lied to everyone, but how does that translate into us not spending time together? Are we punishing ourselves? Livvy, this whole plan was your idea. I don't understand what you are saying." Olivia knew that the time had come for her to tell Roland the whole truth. She prayed that he would not hate her for what she had done. "Yes Roland, this plan was my idea. I carefully thought out each and every detail. I planned how I would get rid of Joan and get you back into my life full time." "Get rid of Joan? Livvy, what are you talking about?" "Roland, when you came to me and told me that you were sick, I was worried. Then you told me that you hadn't told Joan, because she was acting so strangely since her return and I got mad- really mad." Olivia' s voice begin to tremble, but she knew that she had to keep going. She had to finally tell him the truth. "The angrier I got, the more I started to remember." "Remember what?" "Remembering all the times in the past that she had failed you or left you to deal with important stuff all by yourself. Ro, do you remember the time that you were getting that award from the American Psychological Science Society for your work on manic depression?" "Yeah, I remember." "They had this big awards ceremony and we all were supposed to go. Mama flew in from California. It was a really big deal, but then at the last minute, literally an hour before the ceremony, Joan was called away for something or the other." Roland was now focused intently on his sister's face. "Yeah, she had to go in the field. There was a problem with some of the guys in her unit or something. Olivia, that wasn't her fault." "No, that wasn't her fault, but do you remember what she said to you?" "No." "She said she was sorry, but the army took precedence over an award. You were just getting an award; she was saving lives. I had never seen you look so hurt, but you put on a brave face and smiled the whole night as if nothing had happened." Roland did remember that night and Olivia was right. It had been painful to hear Joan trivialize something he had worked so hard for. "Roland,that was just one time. I remember dozen of times that things like that happened. She was always making and breaking promises. This whole cancer scare was the last straw for me. So, I decided. She had to go." "Olivia?" Roland could say nothing else. He could not believe what he was hearing. "Roland, I want you to know that your health and safety were always my number one priority, but I also had another agenda." "Ruining my marriage?" "Ending your marriage." Roland and Olivia were now face to face. Neither of them could look away from the other. There was an empty silence between them that had never existed before. There was never awkwardness between them, but now, though very close together, they could not have been further apart. Roland spoke. "Olivia, I know you love me, but whether or not I stayed with Joan was not your decision to make." "But Roland, you would have stayed forever just waiting. Waiting to live your dreams and waiting to be a father, it's not fair that she has that much control over your life." "She's my wife Olivia." "Your wife yes, your master, no." "Well, isn't that what you have decided to be? My master I mean. You decided that she needed to go, so you planned how we would get rid of her." "It was not like that Roland!" "Tell me how it was then Olivia! You used my illness to carry out this scheme that you had to get rid of Joan. You used me!" "I never used you. I only tried to help you. It's what you said you wanted." The anger in both Olivia and Roland rose. "When Olivia, when did I say that I wanted to be out of my marriage?" "Oh my God Roland, you called me. You were all panicked because you said that you couldn't tell her. You couldn't burden her with this. That's what you said!" Roland felt an anger that he had never felt before. "How did you take that to mean that I wanted out of my marriage?" "What else could it have meant Roland? What other solution was there?" Roland rose from the bed. He now stood towering over his sister. "It meant help me. Help me to get better. It meant be there for me. Olivia, how could you do this to me?" " I didn't do anything to you Roland. I did everything for you. I have done everything for you for as long as I can remember." "You did this for me?" Roland couldn't believe what she was saying. How selfish Olivia had been and to now say she had done it for him. " No, you did this for you. You wanted this- not me!" "Well Roland, if you didn't want any of this, why didn't you just say no! You were more than happy to go along with my plan because if you are honest with yourself, I mean really honest with yourself. You know as well as I do that you needed a break from her, from the army, from being an army spouse." Roland hated to admit it, but Olivia was right. He had been open to the plan because he was tired. Too much had happened to him over the past two years and he felt tired and alone. Deep inside, he knew coming to Chicago meant coming home to the safety of Olivia. Olivia was always who he could count on. She knew him almost as well or maybe even better than he knew himself. Olivia was his protector, his shoulder to lean on, and his soft landing place. What was it that Vannesa had asked him? "Who do you confide in? Who do you lean on?" His answer was sure, Olivia always Olivia. "Roland, you can hate me for what I have done, but I only did what I thought was best for you. I saw you slipping away and I couldn't let that happen. You'd changed Roland. After the whole Belgrad incident, you changed. I could hear the change in your voice. I felt it in every conversation, but you were in denial that anything was wrong. You were so focused on helping Joan that you couldn't or wouldn't help yourself. I couldn't lose you Roland, so I did what needed to be done. I will not apologize for that. I can't. I mean just look at yourself how happy and peaceful you are." Roland stood speechless. As angry as he was at Olivia, he couldn't deny that she knew him better than he knew himself. She had just expressed every emotion that he had been feeling. The past three months was the happiest he had been in a long time which was pretty incredible considering he had nearly escaped death in an explosion just two months ago. It was nice having someone worry about him for a change. A burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He didn't have to worry about Joan and her emotions. There was no stress of living under the microscope on post. He didn't have to be the lone army husband at tea parties, cookouts, and formal dinners. He could abandon the roll of perfect loving, long-suffering, patient, and forgiving husband. He didn't have to be the good doctor who solved everyone's problems. He could just be Roland, Ro. Even though he had been sick, he had joined Mark's rec league basketball team. He had guys, normal non-military guys, to hang with. Life in Chicago was good and comfortable. He had everything that he always wanted a great job, great friends, great family. He had everything except Joan. He wanted Joan, but could he give all of this up to have her? He lived such a life of isolation on post. He felt as if he were suffocating most of the time. The only joy in his life was when he and Joan were alone and the time he spent with Denise, Claudia Joy, Roxy, and Pamela. Finally, he found the words to say. "Livvy, you're right. I am happy here. But, Joan also makes me happy, and you had no right to steal that happiness away from. "I…" Olivia started to speak. "No, wait, let me finish. I could never hate you because I know that you are always looking out for my best interest, but what you did was wrong. You deliberately set out to split Joan and I apart and that was not your decision to make. I appreciate what you were trying to do. What I am about to say to you, I say with only love in my heart….. butt out. Stay out of my marriage and focus on your own. You may find that you are not as happy as you think you are." Olivia feeling under attack spoke back sharply. "What are you going to do now Roland psychoanalyze me?" Roland a wit for wit match for his sister quickly responded. "No Livvy, I just thought I would make a few observations. You criticize Joan for not giving enough of herself, but did you ever think that maybe you give too much of yourself? I mean, you were going to quit your job because your husband asked. You turn over backwards to please him. You always have. You love your job, but you have convinced yourself that you hate it to please him." "Roland, that is so not true." " Really Livvy, tell me a time since we were 15 years old that you didn't want to be a lawyer? You love being a lawyer. Why would you give that up?" Olivia could say nothing, because Roland was right. She did love her job and truth be told she was glad to call in favors for Roland because it meant keeping a position she had worked so hard to get. She loved Mark and Alexia; she really did. However, sometimes they were not enough to keep her happy. She would never voice it out loud, but she needed her job. Being a lawyer kept her sane. She gave so much of herself; being a lawyer was the one thing that she had that was all hers. Those long hours in her office were the only time that she had completely for herself. She never wanted to give that up, but Mark thought it best for Alexia for her to quit and work fewer hours someplace else. Well, she always did what was best for Alexia. She spoke in a whisper too tired to fight any longer. "Listen Roland, I know my marriage is not perfect, but it is what it is. I love my husband and I am committed to making our marriage work- no matter what. I have to hold my family together for my daughter, for my husband, for myself. And I agree with you; from here on in, we should just stay out of each other's personal affairs." "Good Livvy, I'm glad we agree on that." Olivia rose from her position on the bed and walked towards the door turning she said, "Well Roland, I guess we have said all that we need to say. I think this twin time is over." "Goodnight Olivia. I love you." Olivia, who was now standing by the door, opened it and without looking back answered, "Goodnight Roland."

Roland couldn't believe it. It was the first time he had ever said I love you to his sister and not gotten the same in return. He had really struck a nerve; she was mad. Roland felt a twinge of guilt for upsetting her after everything she had done for him. His head told him not to be guilty, because Olivia had done something wrong. His heart on the other hand couldn't stand Olivia being angry with him. He had to make things right between them. He hurried down the stairs hoping to find Olivia; instead, he found Joan making popcorn in the kitchen. "Joan, have you seen Livvy?" "Yeah, she came down a minute ago. She said she was going out for a walk." " By herself?" "No, she took Chance with her." Roland stood wondering if he should go after her. "So, Roland want to watch that movie with me now? I assume twin time is over." Roland looked at Joan she seemed so hopeful. He couldn't disappoint her again. He would see Olivia in the morning and they could work things out then. Taking the popcorn bowl from Joan's hand he extended his arm to her and replied, "Mrs. Burton, I'd love to watch a movie with you."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 20: Asking never hurts

Olivia had heard Joan and Roland watching a movie in the den when she and Chance returned from their walk. She had paused for a brief moment outside of the den door to release Chance from his leash. She had considered going in and apologizing to Roland, but then she had changed her mind. She retreated up the stairs to her bedroom. She took a nice warm bath to relieve her tension. She decided to look over the papers that Jordan had sent from the office to relax herself before going to bed. She had just spread them across the bed when Mark entered the room. He looked surprised to find her there. "Twin time over already?" he inquired. Olivia was not going to tell him about the argument between her and Roland. "Yeah, Roland wanted to watch a movie with Joan instead." Mark looked shocked. "Really? Well good for him." Olivia raised an eyebrow but said nothing. She continued looking through the stacks of papers. Mark waited patiently for Olivia to say something. When she didn't, he announced, "I think I'll take a shower now. I'm tired." Olivia remained focused on the papers before her. "O.K., honey, we'll go to bed when you get out." Mark stood a moment longer hoping to get Olivia's attention. She was so entranced by her work, that she really hadn't noticed him standing there. Finally, feeling his eyes on her she looked up. "What? What is it? Did you need something else?" Mark answered tentively, "I was hoping that you might want to take a shower with me." Olivia would have usually been quite agreeable to such an offer, but remembering Roland's words, she politely said, "Thanks, but no thanks. I just had a bath."

Olivia listened as the shower went on in the bathroom. She tried to focus on her work, but her mind kept drifting downstairs to Roland. They had never had such a big disagreement before. Sure, they had argued in the past, but they had never ever gone to bed angry with each other. Olivia once again considered going downstairs and talking to her brother. She could just interrupt the movie because this was important. But for the first time, in a long time, she thought of Joan. Interrupting would be unfair to Joan, so she decided to see Roland in the morning. The shower went off in the bathroom and Mark soon emerged wet and wrapped in a towel. Olivia watched with great interest as he strutted about the room drying himself. Mark finally taking notice of Olivia's interest smiled at her coyly. "May I help you Miss Olivia?" Olivia smiled back with equal coyness. "Well sir, I think you can." "Really" "Yes, really." "What can I do for you Miss Olivia?" "Well Mr. Jasper, I think a better question is what I can do for you." "What can you do?" " If you come over here, I'll let you find out." Mark sauntered towards Olivia on the bed discarding his still wet towel onto the floor.

Roland yawned for the fifth time in a row. Though the movie had ended hours ago, he and Joan still sat talking in the den. They had laughed about old times, reflected on the not so joyous times of late, and even planned for future times with their unborn child. Joan knew that it was now or never, she had to ask him tonight. She would be leaving tomorrow evening and she had to know if Roland would be coming with her. She had talked with General Holden earlier that evening. She could extend her stay no longer; she was needed back on post. It had been Claudia Joy's idea to ask Roland to come home with her. Claudia Joy, Denise, and Pamela were all at Claudia Joy's when she had phoned the General. When army business was concluded with Michael Claudia Joy had taken the phone. All the ladies were anxious to hear news of Roland and his recovery. Once secure in the knowledge that he was no longer in danger, the inquisition began. Denise was the first to ask, "Did he say that he was coming back with you?" Joan had to admit to the ladies that she had been to afraid to ask. Pamela interjected, "Joan I did not send you all the way to Chicago to come home without him." "Please bring him home Joan," was Denise's plea. Joan didn't know what they wanted her to do. She couldn't make Roland come home with her. It had to be his decision. As much as she wanted him back, she had decided that she would not beg or plead with him. If Roland came back, he would come because it was what he wanted plain and simple. Claudia Joy's sage advice was the most logical to Joan. In her best take control voice Claudia Joy had advised Joan to just ask him. "Joan," she said, "ask him if he would consider coming home with you and giving your marriage another try. That's all you can do. The rest will be up to him." Pamela's advice was a little more hands on. "If he refuses to come, just hit him over the head and drag him out of there. Do what ever you need to do to bring him back." Both Denise and Claudia Joy laughed at Pamela's suggestion. Claudia Joy playfully slapped Pamela on her hand and said, "You young lady have been spending way too much time with Roxy. She is a bad influence and is rubbing off on you." Joan couldn't help smiling as she remembered her conversation with the ladies. She was beginning to understand why Roland liked being with them so much. On Roland's sixth yawn, Joan knew she had to take her chance. "Um Roland," he looked at her sleepily, "I need to ask you something." "I'm pretty tired Joan. Can it wait until morning?" "No Roland, I don't think it can." Roland sighed and repositioned himself on the sofa. "O.K. Joan, what's so important?" "I need to know. I was wondering." For a brief moment Joan lost her nerve. But she now had Roland's attention, she had no choice but to continue. "I was wondering if you were planning on staying here or going home with me?" Roland had been dreading this moment since his return for the hospital. He knew that eventually the question would be asked. In the beginning, he was unsure of his answer. Now, he knew for certain. He knew it was not the answer that Joan hoped for, but he had to tell her the truth. He cleared his throat. "I don't want to pressure you Roland. It's just that I need to know because I have to go home tomorrow." Roland steadied himself and then spoke. "I'm sorry Joan, but I've decided to stay here. I have commitments here now that I can't break." Joan was devastated but she couldn't let it show. She had to be strong. She had always known that this was a possibility, but she had tricked herself into hoping that Roland would come home. She could no longer fool herself. "Oh, I see," was all that she could manage to say. She closed her eyes tightly for just a second to hold back her tears. "Joan, I don't want to hurt you, but I have to take care of myself too. If I learned nothing else from everything that has happened recently, I've learned that I have to take care of myself first. Chicago is what is best for me. I just don't think." His voice trailed off. "You don't think what?" Roland did not want to hurt her anymore than he already had, but he had held back his feelings for so long. He needed to be honest. "I just don't think that things will change if I go back." Joan didn't quite understand what he was saying. "What things do you want to change Roland?" "Everything," was his honest reply. "We're having a baby Roland. What kind of change could be bigger than that?" "Joan if I were to go back with you I would need to know that things between us would change. I would have to know that I come first. That our family comes first for you." "Roland, you have always come first." "No Joan, I haven't. The fact that you don't see that is another reason that I can't go back. Sometimes Joan I feel that maybe you don't love me as much as I love you." If he had meant to hurt her, his mission had been accomplished. His words burned like a hornet's sting. "Roland if you don't know that I love you then you're right we shouldn't be together." "Joan, I know you love me. That has never been a question. What I question is the extent of that love. It seems to me that you love me a little less than you love the army and I can't live with that anymore. I will not be your second pick" "Roland, you are not a second choice. I love you more than I love my career." Roland wanted the conversation to end. He didn't want these emotions to surface. He had held them back for too long and now they were breaking through and coming from his lips without his control. "There was a time that I wanted to believe that with all my heart Joan. But you have shown me time and time again that it's army first me second." "When Roland, when did I do that?" "Joan when you came back from treatment and said that you wanted to work on putting our marriage first, I was happy. I thought finally we will have a normal life together. I was scared and apprehensive, but you seemed to be trying so hard. I was really beginning to believe that you meant what you said. Then you came home and announced that instead of taking the additional thirty days off that we had talked about, you were Michael Holden's new second in command." "I had to take that position Roland. It was the only way that I could regain my credibility. I thought you understood. You said you understood." "What I understood was that I would never equal up to the army. It was that morning that I decided to put Livvy's plan into action. I had to get out, but I never wanted to hurt you. This was all about me; it was never to hurt you." Though Roland could see that what he was saying hurt Joan to her very core, he felt relief. It was as a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Telling Joan the truth made him feel better than he had felt in a long time. Joan sat in a semi –conscious haze. Had she been so awful of a wife that Roland had resorted to such desperate measures to be rid of her? Memories of years of broken promises and long separations filled her head. Each memory made it more painfully obvious that Roland was right. He had spent years playing second string to her career. How could she have been so selfish? Now, her selfishness, her ambition to be the best had cost her the ultimate price. She looked at him really looked at him for what seemed to be the first time. She could only imagine the pain and humiliation that he had endured at her hands over the years. She had to let him go. She could bear to hurt him no further. She spoke more to herself than to him. "It's alright Roland. I understand why you can't go back really I do. I can't blame you for the way you feel. I'm sorry." "I'm sorry too. I wish this could have ended differently." Roland rose to exit the room. He looked at Joan for a last time. "Are you really alright?" he asked. "I'm fine," she said with an affirmative nod. He left the room leaving her alone with the echo of his words in her head. "Maybe you don't love me as much as I love you." He was right; she was incapable of love. She had been damaged long before she ever knew him. Her father had hurt her, and she had decided to never allow a man to hurt her that way again. She had learned to protect herself by never really letting anyone get too close. Whenever Roland or anyone got too close, she found a way to push them back. She thought of past boyfriends who had all eventually given up trying to love her. Roland had been different. The more she pushed him away the harder he tried to get close to her. He never gave up on loving her. This was why she had fallen so hard for him. He was the first person that had not given up on her. She had not done the same for him, and now her inability to love had cost her the one person that she truly loved. Joan tried to fight the tears for as long as she could, but soon she was overcome with grief. She cried until finally, she cried herself to sleep.

Chapter 21: The fallout

Olivia, who was always first to rise at her house, found Joan wrapped in a blanket and sleeping on the sofa the next morning. She was surprised to see her because Joan had slept in Roland's room every night since she had been there. Olivia wondered if she should wake her. Deciding against disturbing her sleep, Olivia went into the kitchen and began the morning breakfast routine. Less than five minutes later, Joan floated into the kitchen still wearing her clothes from the day before. "Joan, you look awful," was Olivia's immediate response. "Gee thanks Olivia, maybe one day I can return the compliment." "Joan, I didn't mean. I meant to say you look tired. Did you sleep on that sofa all night? You shouldn't do that it's not good for the baby." "I fell asleep while Roland and I were watching t.v." "Why didn't Roland wake you so you could go to bed?" "I'm sure Roland didn't want me in his bed last night." Joan wondered if she had said too much. Then again she had nothing to lose. Roland was gone and this little morsel of information was exactly what Olivia wanted to hear. "I've just made her day," Joan thought to herself. Olivia however did not appear to be happy. In fact, as Joan looked at her, she seemed sadden by this piece of information. Could Olivia's feelings for Joan be changing? After all she had cut twin time short last night for Joan and Roland to spend time together. It had been Olivia who had insisted that she stay at the hospital with Roland. What if Olivia were on her side? Olivia stood looking at Joan sympathetically. She walked over to her and before Joan could react she found herself locked in a hug with Olivia. For the first time Joan understood why everyone loved Livvy so much. She hugged Joan so tightly that it seemed that her touch was literally draining all of the sadness from Joan's heart. It was the warmest hug that she had ever experienced. Before Joan could stop herself, she spilled all of last night's events to Olivia. Olivia for her part listened intently. She allowed Joan to tell her whole story without interruption. When Joan was finished, she waited for Olivia to respond. "I guess he's made his decision then," was all that Olivia said. Speechless she continued the preparations for breakfast. Joan couldn't believe it. Olivia, who had an opinion on every aspect of her life, couldn't manage ten words when her marriage hung in the balance. "You know Olivia, you are some piece of work," Joan managed to say. "Here I was thinking that maybe I could count on you to help me convince Roland to leave with me and you act as disinterested as if I had told you that it was sunny outside today." Olivia faced Joan. "Look, I'd love to help you, but Roland and I have a new understanding. We are staying out of each other's personal affairs." "Since when?" Olivia lowered her voice and gave Joan a sympathetic look. "Joan, I'd love to help you, really I would, but I can't. I just can't. I promised." Joan sighed deeply. "Is there anything else I can do for you? Help you pack or drive you to the airport?" "I can handle the packing myself, but a ride would be nice." "Joan, you can stay here as long as you need to." "Olivia I wish I could stay. I want to stay, but if I am not back on post by 23:00 hours, they will consider me AWOL." "What time does your flight leave?" "19:00 hours" "We don't have a lot of time between now and then. Maybe he'll come around." "Thanks for the support Olivia, but I doubt it. He's made his choice and now I have to live with it." Both Olivia and Joan stood in silence thinking. Neither of them had any idea how to change the situation. The silence was only broken with the arrival of Alexia into the kitchen and her pronouncement of "Mommy, I'm hungry. What's for breakfast?" The sound of Alexia's voice brought Olivia from her thoughts and she finished preparing her daughter's waffles and eggs. Joan remained silent.

Breakfast was especially strained that morning. Joan and Roland didn't look at or speak to one another. Olivia and Roland were in passive silence. Catherine, Mark, and Alexia were caught in the midst of all the turmoil. Catherine realizing the tension between her children finally spoke. "Roland and Olivia, I need to see you in the den after breakfast." Olivia immediately protested. "Ma, I don't have time. I have to get Alexia to school and go to my office so that I will be home in time to take you to the airport." "Olivia," Catherine warned with his voice, "I need to see you and your brother this morning." Olivia rolled her eyes and shook her head. Mark spoke up. "Livvy, I don't have any meetings this morning, so I can take Lex to school today. Stay and talk to your mother." Olivia shot Mark a look and in her most sarcastic voice responded "Gee honey, thanks." "Good now that's settled," remarked Catherine. Olivia rose and began clearing dishes. Joan jumped up to help. "Livvy, I'll get the dishes." "Thanks Joan," responded Olivia with a smile. Both Mark and Roland mouthed "Livvy?" Neither could remember ever hearing Joan refer to Olivia by her much used nickname. She had always called her Olivia. Roland was suspicious. He wondered what his sister and Joan might have up their sleeves. Olivia turned to Alexia and extended her hand. "Come on Princess. Let's get upstairs and finish getting you dressed. You and daddy will need to leave soon." Alexia bounced from her chair and she and her mother disappeared from the kitchen and up the stairs. "So it's Livvy now?" Mark teasing of Joan was immediate. "What? Everyone calls her Livvy." "We all call her Livvy," said Mark "you call her Olivia." "You always call her Olivia," chimed in a very suspicious Roland. "So are we Livvy and Ro now? What's going on with you two? What scheme has she cooked up with you?" His tone was very accusatory. Joan shot an angry glance in Roland's direction. "Nothing is going on between Livvy and me. We just have an understanding now. Why must you always think the worst of me? Just leave it alone Roland. Just leave me alone." Joan threw down the dish towel that she had been using and angrily left the room. "That was really nice Roland," was Catherine's less than pleasant reply. She too left the room and went in search of a now upset Joan. Roland and Mark were left staring in confusion. Mark suddenly looked around and remarked to Roland, "You sure can clear a room." "Yeah," said Roland, "I just have one question." "What's that?" "Which one of us is going to have to finish those dishes?" "Brother-in law, I leave my family's dishes in your capable hands." Mark also left the room leaving Roland to finish the dishes alone.

After Mark had safely removed Alexia from the house and Joan was upstairs packing, Catherine summoned both Roland and Olivia to join her in the den. The twins entered neither looking at the other and took seats on opposite sides of the room. Catherine sat in the middle on the sofa and looked from one twin to the other before finally speaking. "So which one of you wants to tell me what's going on?"

Chapter 22: Mother knows Best

Olivia spoke first and immediately went into her routine of say nothing and deny everything. "Mama, nothing is going on. Everything is fine. I need to go to work." "Everything is fine Livvy?" "Yes, mama everything's fine." "Alright, that's your story stick to it." Catherine now turned her focus to Roland. "And you, is everything fine with you too?" "Sure mama, it's like Livvy said, everything is fine." Catherine shook her head in disbelief and disapproval. "I can't believe that the two of you still play this game. It's just like when you were little kids always covering for each other and covering up what you had done." " We're not kids anymore mama," Roland stated rather matter of factly. "You're right Roland. You are not kids anymore, but you are still my children. You could never hide anything from me then and you are not hiding anything now. I know that you and your sister have had a fight." "We didn't have a fight," chimed in Olivia "we just came to an understanding of sorts." "Well Miss Livvy, you seem to be coming to a lot of understandings lately." "Hopefully she'll understand that she needs to keep her nose out of other people's business." "Don't worry Roland. I will never put my nose in your business ever again." "Is that a promise Livvy?" Olivia shot Roland a nasty glance across the room then turned in her chair to look out the window. "So no one in this room had a fight with his sister or with her brother?" Roland and Olivia answered their mother in unison, "NO!!" Catherine shook her head and looked from one twin to the other. She patted a place on the sofa next to her for each of them to join her. Roland rose first and joined his mother on the sofa. Olivia remained glued to her chair and focused on the frost forming on the window. "Livvy," her mother said in a sympathetic voice, "come over here and sit with me for a minute." "I'm fine here thank- you." "Indulge your old mama and come sit with me." Olivia slowly drifted to sit on her mother's free side on the sofa. With both twins within reach Catherine pulled each of them into an embrace. "Roland and Olivia, the two of you have been together all of your lives. You have almost been inseparable. What ever has happened is not as important as the relationship between you two. You will always need each other and you should always be there for each other – no matter what. Husbands and wives may leave. Children most certainly grow up and leave you, but your sibling is there always. Roland forgive Olivia for what ever she has done. Olivia forgive Roland for whatever he's done. You two need each other." With this said she slowly placed a kiss on each of their cheeks. "Mama needs to finish packing because I have a flight to catch. Olivia be back by 1:00, so I won't miss my flight." Giving them each one last squeeze, she exited to finish her packing.

Left sitting together on the sofa neither Olivia nor Roland spoke. Olivia began tapping her leg lightly with her fingers. Roland sat perfectly still. Each was waiting for a sign from the other. In mere seconds both twins spoke at once, "I'm sorry." "Roland, I am sorry for everything that I have done. I was wrong. I took advantage of you when you needed my help the most. Please forgive me. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you." "Livvy, I'm sorry too. I tried to blame everything that has happened between Joan and me on you. The truth is I am responsible for the failure of my marriage- not you. It doesn't matter what you did. I should have just been a man and told Joan the truth." Olivia seizing an opportunity took Roland's hand. "Roland are you sure that you are making the right decision about Joan and your marriage? It is still not too late for you to change your mind." Roland pulling his hand away looked intensely at his sister. "Livvy, there is one thing that we said last night that I will not take back nor do I regret saying. We should stay out of each other's personal lives." Olivia raised her hands in surrender. "You're right, you're right. I agree. Personal lives are now off limits. I promise I won't say another word." She glanced at her watch. "I'd better get moving. I have a meeting this morning and I can't be late." She stood and began readjusting her suit. She walked into the entryway and slid her jacket on. Roland who had followed her into the entry stood leaning against the wall. She picked up her briefcase and opened the front door to leave. Suddenly, she remembered something and turned and placed a wet kiss on her brother's cheek. He playfully wiped away her kiss and smiled. "Yuck, now I have girl cooties." Olivia let out a laugh and turned once again to leave. "Hey Roland, I love you too. I owe you that one from last night." They gave each other a final parting hug and Olivia dashed to the elevator closing the door with a loud thud behind her.

Joan who had been listening from the top of the stairs sat in disbelief. He could forgive everyone except her. She dropped her head in shame. She had never really deserved his love. They were so different. He was good, loyal, humble, and well-liked by everyone. She was selfish, arrogant, and reclusive. It was no wonder that she didn't have many friends. This family, the people who had tried to show her love, she had pushed away. Olivia was right. She had never deserved him. She would never be worthy of his love. The best thing she could do for him was to just leave him alone forever.

Chapter 23: Departures

The day passed quickly. Catherine had departed early in the afternoon and now time seemed to be ticking by. The whole family was preparing for Joan's departure. It had been decided that Mark and Olivia were to drive her to the airport while Roland remained behind with Alexia. Olivia and Joan waited and watched all day for signs that maybe Roland would change his mind and return with Joan. When 5:30 came, they could wait no longer. Joan's plane was scheduled to leave at 7 and they had to get her to the airport. Mark, Olivia, and Alexia went down to the car to load the bags. Joan remained behind to say a final goodbye to Roland. As they stood waiting in the hallway for the elevator, Olivia said to Mark, "I just don't understand what Roland is doing. I understood when he thought that he was sick and maybe dying why he wanted to leave, but now… things are different. Why did I help him do this?" "You thought you were doing the right thing. I hope you've learned to stay out of other people's affairs from all this." Olivia stood reflecting. "You know for so many years I thought of Joan as the enemy." "What do you think of her now?" "Now, I just feel sorry for her. She's pregnant and her husband has left her to deal with it alone. She needs a lot of help. We are going to have to help her." Mark laughed at Olivia's words. "Livvy, you will never learn. If Joan needs our help, she's our family and we will help her. We will only help her if she asks us though. Livvy, you have to learn that you can't fix everything and everybody." Olivia looked nervously towards the door. "I wonder what's going on in there." "It is not our business. Come on. Let's get this luggage in the car." Olivia stepped on the elevator with Mark, but as the doors closed she couldn't help wandering how the goodbye inside the house was going.

Roland and Joan stood on opposite sides of the kitchen. Roland stood hands in pockets and rocking nervously from foot to foot. Joan stark and still gazed intensely at Roland. Roland unable to bear the silence any longer spoke. "Joan, have a safe flight home and I'll call you tomorrow." Joan remained silent. He continued, "You know if you need anything for the baby or for you just call. I'm just a phone call away. I talked to my lawyer and he will handle everything for the divorce. Don't worry I'll give you whatever you want." Joan continued gazing at him. Roland was uncomfortable with her stare. "Joan aren't you going to say anything. Say goodbye at least." "Roland, what do you want me to say? We are ending our marriage. You are going to live in Chicago. I am going to have our baby alone in Charleston. I don't know what to say except I can't believe this is how we end it. That we are just going to sign a paper and that's it. Our marriage is over with a pen stroke. How can you stand there talking about it as if we do this everyday?" She began to cry. Roland moved towards her to comfort her, but she fanned him away. "No, let's just end it right now. Let's not pretend anymore. Goodbye Roland." Olivia entered the room with Alexia perched on her hip. She could tell how upset Joan was. She also noticed the guilt spread across Roland's face. "Joan, are you ready to go?" Joan quickly wiped her tears and gathered her jacket and purse. Without a single word or last glance at Roland she left the house. Olivia passed Alexia to a waiting Roland. She tried hard not to say anything, but she just couldn't. "So you are really going to let her leave here crying and alone." "Olivia," Roland gave her a warning look, "you promised." "No Roland, this is not advice. This is my opinion and that opinion is that you suck right now! I don't know who this person is, but this is not you Roland. This is not who you are. You are not that guy. You are not the guy that would just walk out on your family. Don't become that guy Ro. You are so much better than that." Olivia reached over and kissed Alexia on her forehead. "Mommy and daddy will be back soon. Be sweet for you Uncle Roland. I love you." She shook her head for a final time in disapproval of Roland's actions and then turned to join Mark and Joan in the car.

The airport was unusually busy for midweek. Mark and Olivia waited as Joan checked in at the counter. They had decided to wait with her until her plane departed. The three sat to wait for her flight to be called. "Joan do you have everything you need for the flight? Can I get you some gum or a magazine?" asked Mark. "No Mark I'm fine. Really I am." Olivia looked at her. She felt so much compassion for her sister-in law. "No, you are not fine, but you will be. It may not happen today or tomorrow or six weeks from now, but you will be fine. This is just a moment and it will pass." Joan eyes again began to water. " Livvy, I have lost everything. Roland was the most important thing in my life and now I've lost him. I have the job I want. I have the baby we wanted, but he's gone and none of it means anything anymore." "Joan don't say that. You have something wonderful. You are going to have a little baby who will change your whole world in ways you could never imagine. That baby needs to become the most important thing in your life and you know what if Roland is so blind that he can't see how blessed he truly is to have you and that baby then forget him. It is his loss not yours" "Olivia, I have finally realized that you were right. I don't deserve him. I don't blame him for leaving me. I ruined everything." "Joan, I was wrong. It is not my place or anyone else's to say who deserves what. We all deserve to be loved Joan. You did not ruin your marriage. They were two of you there and each of you has to take some of the responsibility. Roland is wrong Joan. He shouldn't blame you for his unhappiness, because each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Roland, for whatever reason, is unhappy with himself Joan. It has nothing to do with you. Don't you dare blame yourself." Mark and Joan sat in disbelief. Had Olivia just said what they thought they heard? Yes, she had admitted that Roland was wrong. Mark would often remember this moment as being the moment that he fell in love with his wife all over again. Joan reached out and hugged Olivia. "Thanks Livvy." The announcer came over the PA system "Flight 880 to Charleston, South Carolina is now boarding at gate 10." "That's me," remarked Joan. Mark and Olivia gave her a last hug as she prepared to go through the gate. Joan gathered her belongings and began walking through gate 10. "Joan," Olivia called out. Joan turned in response. "Call us and let us know that you arrived safely." "I will. I promise" Joan and Olivia stood facing each other for another second and then for the first time ever since they had known each other. Joan heard Olivia say the words that she had so often said to every member of the family except her. "Joan, I love you." Joan was speechless, but she did manage to say in response, "I love you too Livvy." Each smiled at the other as they waved a final goodbye.

The days had passed quickly since Joan had left. Life had returned to normal for Roland, Olivia, Mark, and Alexia. They were back on schedule. Everything was perfect again. Roland had resumed his work at Northwestern and seemed to be content. Olivia had promised herself and Mark that she would say nothing else to Roland about Joan. Though she often found it difficult to keep her word, she knew that Roland would have to make this decision on his own. She busied herself with work and taking care of Alexia. She tried to stay as busy as possible to avoid any slip-ups with Roland. She tried to look happy on the outside though on the inside she was deeply troubled. She called Joan from time to time just to check up on how she was doing. Joan now six months pregnant was always glad to hear Olivia's advice and shared stories of pregnancy. They had bonded. The job of dealing with Joan had become a pleasure and not a chore for Olivia. Olivia had become Joan's best and only female friend. Roland never interrupted when the two talked, but Olivia would often catch him listening intently to their conversations. He would later grill Olivia on how Joan and the baby were doing. Olivia's answer was always the same. "If you are interested in the health and welfare of your wife and baby, call you wife and ask her how they are doing." Roland did call Joan at least once a week. Their calls were usually very tense and ended quickly. The divorce plans were moving forward though Roland had decided to wait until after the baby was born before they finalized anything. He had decided that he wouldn't cause Joan any more stress than necessary.

Chapter 24: Dolls, Tea Parties, and other Nonsense

Fall had slowly began to turn into winter. It was an early Saturday morning. Olivia had decided on an early morning run. When she returned, she found that both Roland and Mark were still sleeping. Alexia had spent the night with a school friend, so Olivia was free of breakfast duty. She showered and changed for her weekly hair and nail appointment. She left a note for Mark and Roland telling them she would return in the afternoon. She had also decided that a little baby shopping would be nice. Perhaps, she could send Joan an early baby shower gift. She, Claudia Joy, Denise, Pamela, and Roxy had been planning a surprise shower for Joan for weeks. Joan had sounded so down lately during their phone calls that she decided a surprise gift was exactly what she needed. As she pulled her car into the parking lot of the hair salon her cell phone rang. It was Claudia Joy calling. "Claudia Joy, hey? Is everything o.k. there?" "Well, yes and no," Claudia Joy responded. "What's the matter?" "It's Joan. She has not been doing great lately. I went by my husband's office yesterday, so I just thought I would pop in to check on her." "How was she?" "She seemed very sad and depressed. Denise tried taking her to lunch the other day, but Denise said Joan barely touched her food." "Claudia Joy this is not good. She needs to stay healthy for her baby." " I know and Michael says she won't slow down at work no matter how much he insists. She's working 15 hour days and even on weekends. We are all worried about her." "What can I do to help?" "You need to talk to Roland. Convince him to come back and help her." "Claudia Joy, I have done all that I can do in the Roland department. Maybe one of you should try talking to him. Maybe you or Denise, he respects each of you." "I would be willing to try, but if he's not listening to you Olivia. He probably won't listen to anyone." "Claudia Joy thanks for calling. Maybe I'll come down next weekend and spend a few days helping Joan get the nursery ready. We can all help." "Now that sounds like fun. Getting a nursery ready will cheer anyone up. I'll tell the girls that you are coming." "Great, I look forward to seeing you all again." "Bye Olivia." "Bye Claudia Joy."

Joan sat staring at the paperwork in front of her. She was again finding it hard to concentrate on her work. She was working for the third Saturday in a row. She had volunteered to come in. At least at work, she was free from reminders of Roland. Her thoughts were again always on Roland. It had been two months since she had returned from Chicago. In the beginning, she rarely thought about Roland instead she thrust herself into work. Now it was getting harder and harder to keep him off her mind. As her belly expanded, she longed to share the joy of their baby with him. She wanted him to feel the baby kick. She needed him to rub her swelling feet and sore back after a long day. She wanted him to go with her to doctors appointments. A nurse at the hospital on her last appointment had reminded her that she and Dr. Burton still needed to sign up for child birth classes. She went on and on about how happy the two of them must be to be finally having a baby. It was obvious that she had not heard the hospital gossip. She went on talking until one of her fellow nurses, who obviously was in the gossip loop, told her to be quiet. Denise had taken her to lunch that day, but Joan found it impossible to eat. All she could think of was who would go to child birth classes with her? She knew that Denise had reported back to the other wives that she wasn't eating. Claudia Joy just happened by her office the next day for a visit and wanted to take her for lunch. Pamela "bumped" into her at the PX two days later and invited her over for dinner. Roxy was just in the neighborhood the day after that and thought that Joan might want to catch a movie and go for dinner afterwards. She and her baby had officially become their project. They were determined to help her whether she wanted the help or not. Roland's friends had been sweet to her, but they were no replacement for him. She was tired. It seemed that she was always tired these days. She looked at her watch 14:30; she couldn't go home this early. Home meant memories of time spent with Roland flooding her brain. She would stay and work as late as she possibly could.

Roland and Mark awoke to find Olivia gone. The two decided to take advantage of a girl-less day. They skipped breakfast in the hopes of getting in on a pick-up basketball game at the local gym. Olivia rarely let Mark play ball on weekends, since he played in the league three nights a week. Weekends belonged to her and Alexia. Today, with Alexia at a friend's house and Olivia shopping, he could play as much as he wanted. He and Roland had already played in two pick- up games and we nearing the end of a third game. They were having a lot of fun. Some of the guys they knew from the league. Others were just guys who came to the gym because they wanted to play ball. Roland was glad to have other guys that he could play with. He had not been allowed to play in the league on post because he was not military. Yet, another thing he loved about his new life, he was never excluded from anything just because he didn't wear fatigues. Mark looked down at his watch and indicated to Roland that it was time to go. "Hey man, it's almost 3:00." They had been playing ball for hours and didn't even notice the time. "I got to pick Alexia up from her sleep over." Hi- fives and slaps on the back were given all over the court. "Good game, man" was repeated over and over again along with the occasional ribs of "bring your game next time" and "my wife plays better than you." It was another twenty minutes before Roland and Mark left the gym and headed off to retrieve Alexia.

Alexia was safely secured in her booster seat in the back of her father's car. She hummed happily to herself while combing her baby doll's unkempt hair and recanting the entirety of her sleep over to her father and uncle. It seemed that the girls had made jewelry. Alexia had made a bracelet with her initials and various other charms that she displayed proudly for her father to see. Mark listened to every detail as he smiled and encouraged her to continue her story. She had also made a tent out of sheets, baked home-made brownies, though not as good as her mommy's, put on make-up, dressed up in high heels, and eaten a home made pizza. Roland looked on in amazement at the intensity and interest that Mark showed in his daughter's ramblings. He was attentive, encouraging, and kind. For the first time Roland noticed how really good Mark was with her. He was so comfortable as if he had been doing it for all of his life. He had that same look of happiness and contentment that Roland had seen so often on Olivia's face. How did they manage to be so happy? "Uncle Roland? Uncle Roland?" Alexia was now tapping him gently on the shoulder. "Yes honey, what is it?" "Do you want to know what daddy and me are buying at the American Girl Store?" "The American Girl Store?" Roland asked puzzled. He looked at Mark for help. "Yeah man, it's a store for the American Girl doll. You know the doll. It's her favorite. The one she sleeps with, eats with, and takes to school. The doll she loves that has all the outfits and stuff and sits in the high chair at the table. The one we can't go anywhere without." "They have a store for a doll? We, you and me, are going to a doll store?" "Yeah man, and we aren't going to the store, we're taking Alexia. There's a difference. Besides, she likes it there and I promised that I would buy Emily a new outfit." Roland was almost beside himself trying to stifle a laugh. "Emily, you promised to buy Emily an outfit. Mark are you serious? We are going to the store to buy an outfit for a doll?" "Yes Roland, we are going to the store to buy the doll an outfit. She needs a new jumper for school." "The doll needs a new jumper for school," mocked Roland. "You know Roland you'd better get comfortable with this stuff. You may have a daughter soon." "Daughter or no daughter, I will not be going to a doll store picking out jumpers." Mark looked" over at Roland and laughed. "Six years ago, if anyone had told me that this is how I would be spending a Saturday afternoon, I would have said he was crazy. Now, I can't think of a better way to spend my Saturday afternoons. It makes Lexxie happy and that makes me happy." "Daddy, you're passing the store," rang Alexia's voice from the back seat. "Honey, we just have to go up the block and park. We'll have to walk back down to the store. There is no parking down here." Satisfied with his answer Alexia sat back in her seat and continued combing the doll's hair.

Roland soon found himself surrounded by hundreds of American Girl dolls and their little owners. Little girls were picking out outfits for their dolls all over the place. The workers were servicing them and their dolls as if this were a real department store. He stood in amazement and watched as Mark and Olivia selected an outfit for her doll. Mark, his basketball, football, soccer, tennis, and any other sports buddy, was picking out clothes for a doll. The amazing part was that he acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He held up dress after dress for the doll as Alexia gave nods of approval and disapproval. Once, Roland even spotted him trying a sweater on the doll. As Roland surveyed the scene he saw other dads doing the same types of things with their little girls. He wondered if he and Joan would have a girl. Was Mark right would he too one day being helping a doll into her sweater. He hoped so. He had to admit that he enjoyed the world of his niece. She was an amazing little creature. During his time in Chicago, he had attended his fair share of tea parties, dress up dances, dance classes, gymnastics lessons, etc. He had loved every minute of it. For some reason pleasing Alexia gave him a happiness that he had never felt. Mark did this stuff all the time. He would come home from work and have to immediately have fake tea or take her to one of her countless lessons. Mark for his part never complained. Mark enjoyed doing this stuff. "Hey Roland," Mark's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Alexia wants to take Emily upstairs to eat at the restaurant. I know this isn't your style, but do you mind?" Roland could only laugh and say "Sure."

Upstairs at the restaurant, the men found themselves totally emerged in the world of dolls. Doll wallpaper covered the walls. There were little dolls from all over the world in glass cases. At every table, there sat at least one girl with her doll. Each girl fussing over her dolls hair or clothes. Some girls even had pretend food that they were "feeding" to the dolls. Other men nodded in sympathy and brotherhood as they passed through the crowd on the way to their table. Alexia as usual played with her food and had to be reminded constantly to eat. Soon she lost interest in her meal altogether. She was much more interested in looking at her new purchases and trying to convince Mark to buy her more. Unsuccessful in her attempts with her father, she turned her attention to Roland. "Please Uncle Roland," she asked "she just needs one little pair of shoes. They don't cost much." "Alexia," warned her father "I said we are not buying anything else. Don't ask you uncle after I said no." Roland shrugged his shoulders at his niece. "You heard your daddy." Finally, giving up hope that more purchases were in her future she asked "Daddy, can Emily and I go ride on the horses." Mark looked towards the carousel nestled in the far corner of the room. Little girls, all clutching dolls, giggled as it went around and around in circles. "O.k. honey, but just for a little while, we need to get home soon." Alexia with her doll dragging behind her ran from the table to join the herd of girls at the carousel. Mark took out his phone and tried to reach Olivia on it. Getting no answer, he decided to leave her a message. "Livvy, honey, I just wanted you to know I have Alexia and we are out shopping. We'll be home soon. Love you- bye." Roland who had been relatively quiet throughout lunch finally spoke. "Mark, how do you do this everyday?" "Do what?" "This," Roland replied "all this. The doll stores, tea parties, dance lessons, piano recitals, all of this!" "Are you asking me how can I spend time with my daughter?" "Well, I guess so. Not just spend time with her, but really enjoy doing it." "That's easy Roland. I love her. Since the day she was born I've loved her. Before she was born, I loved her. What makes her happy makes me happy." "Don't you ever regret giving up your dreams to have a family? When I first met you, you dreamed of designing buildings in Rome and France. You were on your way to getting a job in France when Livvy found out she was pregnant. You gave that up to do this." "Yeah, I did. Livvy and I both decided that we didn't want to raise a child abroad. But, I have never regretted any sacrifice that I have made for my family. Livvy and Lexxie are my whole world. I live to make them happy. Roland you have to know that. You have to believe that. You are going to be a father. That may mean sacrifice on your part, but you do it because you child's happiness has to come first." "Don't you think I know that Mark? Why do you think I am here and not back in South Carolina with Joan." "Roland, I'm not following you. What does your baby's happiness have to do with you and Joan separating?" "I know that I can never be happy living on post again. Mark I love Joan, but I can't be happy living in her world anymore. I don't want my child to suffer because I am unhappy. Lexxie is so happy and well- adjusted because somewhere in her little mind she knows that both you and Livvy are here because you want to be. I can not live on a military post and give that sense of comfort to my child. I just don't want to be there anymore." Mark looked at Roland in confusion. "Roland if your child that you love is there and your wife that you love is there, how can you not be happy- not want to be there?" "You have never had to live on post. You have never been the husband of the Lt. Colonel who just happens to be the highest ranking African American female on post. You can never understand the pressure that I live under." "Roland has all this been about?" Mark paused to collect his thoughts. "Is this about you not wanting to live in Joan's shadow?" Roland did not answer. Mark knew he was on to something as he watched Roland fold and unfold his napkin. "What does it matter Roland, what other people think?" "It matters Mark when people think that the only reason that you have your job is because of who your wife is. It matters when you have to face these same people everyday for days without end. It matters when the one person that you have to confide in leaves you behind for two years and then when she does come back is checked out. It matters when you are always left on post alone to face all of this by yourself." "Roland, why should what any of these people think matter to you? You are a great doctor. You were a great doctor long before you married Joan. You have proven yourself time and time again." "Military people know nothing about my pre-military life and furthermore they don't care. All they know is that I am the doctor who follows his wife from post to post securing positions at the post hospital not because of who I am or my credentials, but because of who she is." Mark laughed in spite of himself. "Ro man, have you ever told Joan any of this?" "No, why should I? This is my issue not hers." "Have you ever thought that maybe if you told her how you felt about living on post that might change things?" "One thing that I have learned from being married to Joan is that nothing comes before the army, not even me." "Roland man, get over yourself. You know I was on your side and I even supported what you believed when I thought that you wanted Joan to give up the army so the two of you could have a family. This has nothing to do with having a family at all. This is about your ego. You and Joan can have a family regardless of her job or yours. She is at the end of her career man. She is getting older and has put in over twenty years of service. Old men and in her case old woman do not fight wars." "Mark if my wife ever heard you refer to her as old she'd kick your butt." "Not that she's old- you know what I mean. She's getting very near to her retirement. I'm sure Joan senses that. Look at it from her perspective. The army is all that she has known since she was 18. It must be scary to even think about living any other way. You should be supporting her not giving her ultimatums. She looks at the army as her saving grace. It would be hard for anyone to let go of that." Roland sat thinking and listening. "Look man that girl loves you. She came all the way here to get you. She agreed to have that baby not because she wanted to, but because she knew it was what you wanted. She really tries to make you happy. I can see that even Olivia had to admit to it. Why can't you see it?" Roland looked up at Mark. "I don't know. I know Joan loves me. She tries really hard to balance our life with her career, but I just want a life that is about me." "Roland if you want a family, you will never have a life that is just about you. My life is about Olivia, Alexia, Livvy's job, my job, her family, my family, her friends, my friends, our friends and every little thing in between. But guess what all of those people and all of that stuff is my life. If you love Joan, then you have to figure out a way to make the army a part of your life too. It's not forever Roland; it's for right now." "Why does it feel like forever?" "Look man, we all get overwhelmed at times. You have been through a lot with Joan gone for so long and all the issues you guys have had since she returned. I get it; you needed a break. But Roland, break time is over. Your wife and your baby need you. You are no good to them as long as you are hiding out here. You are the head of your family Roland. You have to lead. Sometimes it means that you have to take the hits in life to protect them, but Roland believe me when I tell you it is so worth it. Sometimes I am so tired of all of this that I just want to walk out the door and never come back." "You Mark?" "Yes me, dealing with life and the pressure of it all is hard sometimes." "So what makes you stay?" " Everyday I tell myself how lucky I am to have Olivia and Alexia. Everyday I remember how much I love them and how much I love our life together. I don't ever want to miss a moment of it. It brings me more joy than any thing that I could ever imagine. I may never design a building in Paris, but today, I went shopping with my little girl. I will never miss designing that building, but one day when she is all grown up, I will miss moments like this. Moments when she wanted to spend time with me. Roland man don't miss you child growing up. Don't miss the opportunity to have a good marriage and a life with someone that you love." "Daddy, I need to use it," Alexia was suddenly standing at her father's side. Roland looked at his niece as she looked adoringly at her father. She trusted him. She knew that no matter what he would be there for her. This was her daddy and he made her feel that she was the most special and most loved child in the world. Roland knew that he had to give that to his own child. How could he do that so far away? Mark was right; life was about the day to day moments. He wanted those moments with his own family. Mark got up from the table and took Alexia by the hand. "O.k. sweetness, let's find you a bathroom." He looked at Roland a last time. Don't miss this man. It will be the biggest mistake of your life. Just don't miss this." It was in this moment that Roland realized that his life was not in Chicago. This was not the life that he wanted. His life was at Fort Marshall somewhere in an office maybe or at the PX, or maybe even at their house. He had to get back to his life. He had to get back to Joan.

"Yes Livvy, I have milk and yogurt and cheese. I know lots of dairy." Joan had made the mistake of calling Olivia when she left work. They had been chatting as Joan walked the aisles of the PX getting her groceries for the week. Olivia who also must have heard about Joan's hunger strike was now dictating a menu to her. She had even asked Joan to take a picture of her shopping cart's contents and e-mail them to her. "And Joan don't forget to pick up your vitamins; they will help with your appetite," Olivia's voice was blaring through her phone. "Livvy, I'll tell you just as I told Claudia Joy, Denise, Roxy, and Pamela. I eat all my meals everyday. I just wasn't hungry that day I went to lunch with Denise." "Sure Joan, whatever you say. Just don't forget the vitamins." "Hey Joan," a familiar southern accent came from somewhere behind her. Joan turned and smiled as Roxy and Finn came walking towards her, "Hey Roxy." She swore that those five women had her on radar or something. She laughed to herself as she thought "The army sure could use their tracking system. This war could have been over years ago. These five could track Bin Laden in an ice storm hidden beneath a cave in the remotest parts of Antartica." Joan caught Roxy spying on the contents of her cart. She laughed inside and responded to Olivia on the phone. "Livvy, guess who I've run into?" Olivia in a less than surprised voice asked, "Who Joan?" " Roxy, but why do I get the sneaking suspicion that you knew that." "Joan I have no idea what you are talking about. Tell Rox I said hi." Joan now looked at Roxy who was trying to look more innocent than she was. "Roxy, my sister-in law says hi." "Oh is that Olivia you're talking too? Tell her I said hi. We haven't talked in so long." Roxy's act was not convincing. Finn looked at his mother in amazement. "But mommy, she called right before you said we had to hurry and come to the store." Roxy cleared her throat. "Finn go over there and get a box of cereal for you and your brother so we can go honey." Finn looked even more puzzled. "But we just got cereal this morning. Why do we need more?" "Finn honey, just go stand over there and wait for mommy o.k." Finn though very confused obeyed instantly. Joan just stood shaking her head in disbelief. "Look Roxy and you to Olivia. I don't need you guys babysitting me. I am a big girl. I can take care of myself." "Joan," began Roxy, "we know that you can take care of yourself. We are just worried about you with Roland gone and all. We are only trying to help." "I appreciate the help, but right now I just need a little room to breathe. I have to work through this on my own. None of you can replace Roland, but I am grateful for your trying." Roxy prepared to walk away. "Are you sure that you are o.k.?" "I'm great. I promise." Roxy, though still not convinced, remembered Roland once saying that sometimes you had to go away when people asked you to. "Well call me – call any of us if you need something." She gave Joan a quick squeeze on her arm and then took Finn's hand and walked quickly out of the store. She needed to hurry to head Denise off in her path, so that she wouldn't "bump" into Joan in the parking lot as she was leaving. "Olivia, you have to stop calling them every time you think I need to be rescued. I can take care of myself." "Joan, I know that you can take care of yourself. It's just that you are alone and you've never had a baby and we all have. We're only trying to help." "Thanks for the help Livvy. I love you for it, but I need to do this by myself." Joan heard Olivia responding, but she realized that she was no longer talking to her. Through the phone she heard her say, "Roland, what on earth is the matter with you? You're what?" Olivia came back to the phone, "Joan, I have to go. I'll call you later." "Wait Livvy, don't hang up. What's wrong with Roland." "Nothings wrong Joan. He's fine every thing is fine. We'll talk later. Bye." The line instantly went dead. Joan stood wondering what could have happened that had Olivia so obviously shaken. Was Roland really fine? Had something happened to him? Maybe she should call back. After every thing he had put her through, she still couldn't stop herself from caring about him. She would call back later. She had to make sure he was alright.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 25: Homecoming

Olivia sat on the sofa staring up at Roland. She had heard what he said, but she was still trying to process it. She thought he had just asked her to help him get a flight home. She looked from Roland to Mark and back to Roland again. Alexia was pulling at her arm. "Mommy, mommy look what daddy got for me today." Olivia fought to regain her senses. "Honey, that's great," she said to Alexia, "I'll look at it all later. Why don't you go in the kitchen and have a cookie? I got your favorites at the bakery on my way home." Alexia really wanted to show her mother what she had gotten at the store, but she loved cookies. Her mother rarely allowed such a treat before dinner. Fearful that if she hesitated for another moment later the offer might be removed, Alexia ran off into the kitchen followed closely by Chance. Olivia looked again from husband to brother and back again. "Will one of you please tell me what's going on?" Mark spoke up, "Roland's decided that he wants to go home and he wants your help." "Home where? Home to his apartment?" Roland could feel the anxiety in his sister's voice. He spoke to her in a low voice to soften the blow of the news he had to deliver. "No Livvy, I'm going home to my wife and baby. I'm going back to Fort Marshall." Olivia just sat staring. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What – what made you change your mind?" Roland hunched his shoulders. "A good friend," he said looking at Mark, "a good friend reminded me today of what is really important in life. So, will you help me or not?" Olivia still in shock chimed in, "Of course I'll help you. When do you want to leave, I can check on-line to see when the next flight leaves." "Tonight, right now, as soon as possible," was Roland's reply. Giving Olivia a quick peck on the check, he hurried up the stairs to pack. Olivia stood and walked to her husband who was leaning in the doorway. "Mr. Jasper, are you responsible for this?" she asked. "I have no idea what you are talking about. All I have done today is take my daughter shopping and to lunch." He smiled and grabbed her hand. "Let's go have a cookie with our daughter. Plus don't you have some on-line shopping to do?"

The next few hours were very difficult for Olivia. As much as she had hoped and prayed for this moment, now that it was here she was sad. She hated to see Roland go. She had come to enjoy having him around on a day to day basis. She stood apart from the rest of her family as they waited for Roland's plane to board. Providence had been on her side and she had managed to secure Roland a seat on the last plane leaving for the Charleston area. Now, the family stood waiting for the flight to be called. Roland and Mark each took turns swinging Olivia and lifting her to the large picture window so she could watch the planes taking off and landing. Mark noticing Olivia's mood came over to stand with her. "Are you going to be alright when Roland is gone?" Olivia looked at her husband and smiled. "I'll be fine. He needs to go." Mark moved closer to her and took her hand in his. "I know, but you will miss him anyway." Thankful for the support Olivia looked at him and replied, "Yep, I will, but I'll be fine. I have you and Lexie." The over head speaker came on. Roland stopped in mid swing of Alexia. He placed her back on the floor and walked towards Mark and Olivia. The four stood in silence for a moment. "Mommy is it time for our plane to leave?" Mark looked down at Alexia. "Lexie baby, only Uncle Roland is going on the plane. We are staying here." He reached down and picked her up. "Kiss your uncle good-bye." Alexia reached out and grabbed Roland's neck. "Bye Uncle Roland, I love you." Roland hugged and kissed his niece. "Bye Ro, good luck." Mark and Roland gave a quick handshake. Mark turned to Olivia. "We'll wait for you over there." Olivia and Roland stood facing each other. Tears begin streaming down Olivia's cheeks. She tried to fight them back, but she couldn't hold them in. Roland wiped her checks with his hands. "Please don't cry Livvy. It's alright, really it is." "I know Ro. These are not tears of sorrow. I am so happy for you and Joan. I want things to work out for the two of you." Roland cleared his throat. "Livvy, I know we promised not to interfere in personal lives anymore, but.." Olivia looked at him puzzled. "But what Roland," she asked. Roland sighed heavily and looked at his watch. Finally, he spoke, "Livvy what should I do? How am I going to get her to take me back?" Olivia stood thinking. "Roland, I can't answer that question for you. All I can offer is to just pray about on your flight home. The right words will come to you. Now, let's hurry. We can't let you miss your flight." She reached out and hugged her brother for the longest time. "This is the last boarding call for Flight 331 to South Carolina," blared overhead. Roland spoke, "Livvy, I have to go." She released him from her embrace and looked at his face a final time. "Call me when you get there to let me know you arrived safely. Give Joan a hug and kiss for me." "I will Livvy, I will. Livvy, I love you." "I love you too Roland." Roland turned and walked away and looking back gave a final wave and disappeared through the boarding tunnel.

Joan arrived home and pulled into her driveway. She looked at Roland's car that had been parked there since he left for Chicago. It had remained un-driven since he had left. She hated driving it because it was just too big. She had never understood why Roland had wanted such a large car for just the two of them. "Roland," she thought, "had never planned on it being just the two of us." She walked past his car bags in hand. She paused as she passed and looked in the back seat. It was the perfect size for the car seat, stroller, play yard, and other necessary items for the baby. She would ask him when they talked if he would be willing to let her keep it for her and the baby. She entered the house with Roland still on her mind. Unlocking the door and turning the entry way lights on, she rushed in the house and placed her bags on the counter. Picking up the phone, she called Olivia's house, but there was no answer. She checked her watch. It was dinner time. They never missed dinner time. She dialed Olivia's cell and got her voice mail. What was going on? Something had to be wrong for Olivia to have her whole family off of their carefully planned schedule.

Olivia, Mark, and Alexia returned to the car in silence. Alexia, obviously exhausted from the day's events, fell asleep as soon as Mark buckled her in. Olivia sat staring out of her window as Mark pulled slowly away from the airport. "What are we going to do for dinner?" he asked. "Let's just stop for Mexican or something. I can't cook tonight," she answered. Olivia's cell phone began beeping in her purse. She pulled it out and saw that she had a message. Listening, she heard Joan's voice in a panic. "Livvy when you get this message, please call." Olivia turned to Mark. "It's Joan. She wants me to call her. What should I do?" "Call her back, but don't give anything away." Mark grasped Olivia's hand for support. Olivia pushed the button and called Joan. "Hey Joan, it's Livvy what's up?" Joan was relieved to hear Olivia's voice. "I was just calling to make sure everything was alright. I was worried after you hung up so quickly this afternoon." "Every thing is fine Joan. I told you that earlier. We are just on our way out for dinner." "Livvy, are you sure everything is fine? Where's Roland? Can I talk to him?" "Roland," Olivia looked at Mark, "Roland is not with us. He had other plans for dinner." "Oh," said Joan, "so he's on a date." Olivia responded nervously, "I didn't say he was on a date. I said he had other plans." "It's o.k. Olivia. Roland is free to date anyone he wants. We're getting a divorce. I just wanted to make sure everything was fine. I guess he is." Olivia hated keeping Roland's true plan a secret, but she knew it was best. "Joan, it's not what you think." She tried her best to sound reassuring. Joan replied with a deep heaviness in her voice, "Livvy, it's alright. I need to go. I'm tired." "Joan, wait don't hang up." Olivia had to clear the air. She couldn't let Joan believe Roland was on a date. Joan spoke tentatively, "I'll call you tomorrow Livvy. I promise." Before Olivia could reply, Joan hung up the phone. Olivia closed her phone and looked at Mark. "She thinks he's out on a date. What should we do?" Mark replied calmly. "We should go and have dinner. They need to work this out together. We have to stay out of it."

Joan had tried making dinner when she hung up with Olivia, but she didn't have a taste for anything. She put all of her purchases away and decided to take a warm a bath. She always felt better after a warm bath. So Roland was dating now. He was really moving on. She shook her head in disbelief and went upstairs to run her bath.

Joan woke with a start. She must have been more tired than she had thought. She had fallen asleep in the tub. Her water had gotten cool and all her bubbles had evaporated. She rose to dry herself and get dressed. She thought she heard a noise coming from downstairs. Was someone down there? Pulling her pajama top over her head, she glanced at her petruding belly in the mirror. "In a few more weeks, I'll be so big that the only thing that will fit me will be a bed sheet," she thought to herself. She looked around the bathroom for her robe finding it she wrapped it around herself. The noise downstairs grew louder. Someone was knocking on her door. "Who could it be at this hour," she thought out loud. The knocking on the door had turn to a bang. She slipped into her slippers quickly and went down the stairs. "I'm coming, I'm coming" she called out. She tightened her robe around herself. Unlocking the door she swung it open expecting to find a soldier on the other side. She was taken aback for a moment. She looked at him not believing that he was actually standing there. She had not prepared herself for this. She was standing face to face with him for the first time in two months. Her mouth suddenly went dry and her palms begin to sweat. He just stood there neither looking at her or away from her. Struggling, she found the words to speak. "Roland," she was puzzled, "Roland, what are you doing here?"

It had taken Roland a little longer than expected to arrive in Charleston. He had a direct flight from Chicago. Everything had run smoothly until he arrived at the Charleston Airport. It took forever for his luggage to be unloaded from the plane. He only had one bag, but the stewardess refused to let him bring it as a carry on, because it didn't fit in the overhead compartment. It took almost another hour for him to get a taxi from the airport then he had to spend another thirty minutes being interrogated by the gate security when he arrived on post. When he finally found himself standing in the driveway of the house that he had once shared with Joan, he was exhausted. What he really needed was a good night's rest, but he knew that was a long time coming. It seemed to take Joan forever to come to the door. But looking at her now, he could understand why. Her belly seemed to be the center of her body. She moved much slower under the weight of the baby. Standing there, she looked tired, but she also looked good. Roland noticed she had her pregnancy glow. Olivia had had that same glow when she was pregnant with Alexia. Roland thought that Joan looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her. He searched his brain for the right words to say, but nothing came. Finally, he settled on, "May I come in?" Joan stepped aside to allow him entrance into the house. She continued to study him as they both took a seat on the sofa. "Roland, is everything o.k.? I wasn't expecting you. I just talked to Livvy and she said that you were out on a date." Roland was taken back, "She said what?" "Well, she didn't say that you were on a date; she just said you had dinner plans and I assumed. Does she know that you are here?" Roland grinned. "Sure, she knows. She helped me to book my flight." Joan was now totally confused "I know I've asked you this already, but why are you here?" Roland exhaled and tried to organize his thoughts. The entire plane ride he had tried to envision what he would say to Joan. Now, sitting here with her, he was at a lost for words. "Joan we need to talk." Joan still dazed stared at him in disbelief. "You came all the way here to talk?" Roland relaxed a little. "What I have to say needs to be said face to face." "Roland, you've already told me how you feel. I told you I understand. Army life is not for everyone. It's not for you. You don't have to apologize for that. You are doing well in Chicago. I'm happy for you – really I am." Roland turned to face her on the sofa. "No, Joan you don't understand. I am not happy in Chicago- not really. I thought I was, but I realized that I'm not." "What do you mean Roland?" Joan began fidgeting nervously. Was he saying what she had longed for him to say so many times? She would not get her hopes up. She remembered a similar conversation with Roland just two months prior. Afterwards, she left Chicago in tears and broken-hearted. Whatever he was saying she would not get her hopes up. She would not let him hurt her again. "Joan," he was reaching for her hand now. "I want us to start over." Start over was she hearing him correctly? Roland continued, "I want us to try to make our marriage work. I thought if I left here, I would be happier. I have spent the past four and a half months in misery. I have tried to get over you and move on, but there is no moving past you." "Roland?" She heard his words, but she still refused to believe what he was saying. "Roland, you have to be sure. I will not go through this again. You have to be sure." Roland moved in closer to her on the sofa. "I have never been surer of anything in my entire life."

Joan was now fighting to remain calm. Her heart had almost leaped out of her chest as Roland uttered the words that she had so often imagined him saying. She wanted to hug him and kiss him with every fiber of her being. Her heart told her to surrender to the moment, but her head told her to hold back. Life experience had taught her to act with her head and not her heart. She loved Roland, and she wanted him to come back, but he had hurt her once before. She would not allow that to happen to herself or her baby ever again. "Roland, how can I trust what you are saying? You already walked out on me once. How can I guarantee that you won't do it again?" Roland knew Joan and this was the type of response that he expected from her. He sat thinking as Joan waited for his answer. Finally he spoke. "Joan, I love you and I want to be married to you. I knew that you were the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after our very 1st date." Joan interrupted, "If you knew that Roland, what has these past months been about?" Roland continued. "Joan, I owe you an apology for what I put you through over the last six months. I just felt so isolated and pressured and I felt that I couldn't tell you." Joan softened, "Why Roland? Why couldn't you tell me what was going on?" Roland lowered his head. "I was ashamed." Joan was growing more confused. "Roland, what were you ashamed of? You hadn't had an affair. What was there to be ashamed of? Were you ashamed to be sick?" Roland sighed and pulled away from Joan. He rose from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. Suddenly, he had lost his nerve. He wanted get out of this house as soon as possible. He now had that overwhelming feeling of entrapment. He felt as if the walls were closing in around him. Joan sat waiting for his answer. She also began to sense his apprehension. She watched him as he nervously paced back and forth across the floor. She struggled to rise from her seat on the sofa. Finally on her feet, she walked over to him. Gently, she placed her hand on his back to calm him. "You know Roland, you never have to be embarrassed to tell me anything. I love you and you can tell me anything. I promise whatever you tell me will stay between the two of us." As Joan spoke to him, Roland felt the pressure releasing from him. He wasn't sure if he could express in words all of the anger, rage, disappointment, fear, and exhaustion that had built themselves inside of him. "Joan, I…" just as he began to explain, his cell phone rang. Removing it from his pocket, he instantly felt relief. "Ah Joan, excuse me for a minute." A wide grin spread across his face as he lifted the phone to his ear. "Hey Lexie Pooh, what are you up to?" A calming and familiar cherub of a voice rang from the other end of the phone. "Hi, Uncle Roland, I was calling to say goodnight and I miss you." Roland felt a sudden rush of warmth. "I miss you too sweetheart. Did your mommy and daddy take you for your evening walk?" Roland listened patiently as Alexia detailed every moment of her life since his departure just three hours earlier. It seemed that Alexia would go on talking forever. Joan for her part stood silent as Roland smiled and offered the occasional "uh huh, yes, gee, that sounds like fun," encouragement to his niece's tale. It was of great relief to Roland to hear Mark's voice calling Alexia to her bath time. "Lexie baby, it's time for your bath. I talk to you soon okay." Joan watched as Roland gently coaxed his niece off of the phone. "Alright sweetheart but just for a minute, your daddy is going to get angry if we don't hurry." Joan realized suddenly that Roland had extended his phone to her. "Alexia wants to say goodnight to you too." Joan took the phone from Roland's extended hand. "Hi Lex," she tried to sound cheerful for Alexia's benefit. "No honey, he didn't tell me. What did you do today?" Roland stood facing Joan quite amused. Joan sat down at the table now the captive audience of Alexia's endless babbling. It was now her turn to feign interest in the little girl's endless tale of her day. Roland stood shaking his head as Joan looked at him in exasperation. He mouthed, "She's staling," as he let out a slight laugh. It was Olivia who finally came to Joan's rescue. "Alright Alexia, that is quite enough." Joan could hear Olivia admonishing her daughter in the background. "Say goodnight to your aunt and uncle. It's time for your bath." "But mommy, I wasn't finished talking to Auntie Joan yet." Joan couldn't help letting a laugh escape her. "Well, you'll have to call her tomorrow. It's bath time darling. Say goodnight." Joan listened as a dejected Alexia mumbled, "Goodnight Auntie Joan." "Goodnight baby," was Joan's sympathetic reply. Joan could now hear Olivia's voice coming through the phone. "Joan, I'm sorry. We never meant for her to talk so long. She misses Roland. They had established a night time ritual of sorts. He's not here, so it's throwing her schedule off. I just thought if she could hear his voice, it would help calm her down a little. We didn't mean to interrupt." Joan sighed, "It's okay Livvy. I hope you get her to sleep tonight. She seems pretty wound up." This time Olivia sighed. "Yeah, I fear we have a long night ahead. Hey, something else for you to look forward to. The sleepless nights certainly don't end when they are no longer babies." Joan laughed. Olivia certainly had an uncanny way of always lifting her spirits. She was glad that after all these years they were finally getting along. "Hey Livvy, I'm putting your brother on the phone. You say goodnight too. I have a feeling that Alexia wasn't the only one missing Roland tonight." Olivia let out a quick snort of laughter. "You caught me. I do want to speak to him just for a minute. I promise. He's only been gone three hours and I miss him like crazy." Joan smiled, "Take as long as you need. I know this hasn't been easy for you. Goodnight Olivia, and hey, by the way thank you." Olivia was amused by Joan's comment. "It's not me that deserves the thanks. There is a certain guy that I know who loves cake, and he should be getting one as a thank you from you soon." "Mark," Joan asked quizzically? "Yep, the man, the myth, the legend I'm not sure what he said, but whatever it was it worked." Without another word Joan passed the phone to an overly anxious Roland. "Hey Livvy, yeah I'm fine. The flight was fine. I promise; I'll get plenty of rest. Yes, I have the medicine. Yes, Livvy I know. Everyday, twice a day until I go back to the doctor, I won't forget." Roland listened as his sister gave an endless list of do's and don'ts. Finally able to get a word in Roland spoke. "Livvy, I am going to be fine. Stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself. I am a doctor you know. No, you can't speak to Joan again. Livvy, I don't need her to ration out my pills. Fine, call her tomorrow. I have to go. Don't you dare stay up all night worrying about me. Get yourself some rest and I'll call you tomorrow. I love you too. Kiss Lexie for me. Goodnight." Joan had sat patiently listening to the exchange between brother and sister. She was always amazed at how the two so easily talked with each other. Their conversations were always so free and loving. Even when they argued, there was always a sense of love and knowing that each only had the others best interest at heart. Roland now sat holding his cell phone tightly in his hand. Joan could see the sadness in his eyes. "What's wrong Roland?" Roland tried to smile. He had almost said nothing was wrong until he caught himself. He remembered that he and Joan had promised to be completely open and honest with each other. On the spot, he changed his mind and decided to give Joan an honest answer. "I miss my sister. I miss Alexia and Mark. I miss my whole family. The one really great thing about being in Chicago is that I got to be with my family." Joan bit her lower lip. It was a nervous habit she had developed as a little girl. She worried that the allure of Olivia and Alexia in Chicago had pulled Roland away from her. "You know Roland I'm your family too." Roland looked up at her in surprise. "Joan, I know you're my family. That's not what I meant. I just meant that I miss having other family around on a day to day basis. You're not always here. When you're gone, I'm all alone. I hate being alone. I have never had to be alone in my life." Joan braced herself. She knew that this was all too good to be true. She felt as if her world was about to collapse around her. "Look Roland, I'm sorry. I'm just not as attached to my family as you are to yours. I speak to my parents about four times a year. I have one sister that I haven't seen in three years, another sister that I speak to about once a month. Out of all of my family, I'm closest to my brother George, and we see each other once a year at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I am used to being alone. You knew that when you married me. When I left home and enrolled at the Citadel, I left home for good." Joan began to reflect. The whole time she was in Chicago, she had called her mother only once. She hadn't spoken to her father in nine years. The last time she had spoken to him was to tell him how he had embarrassed her getting so drunk at her wedding. Her brother and sisters had all moved away from Chicago years ago. Her relationship with her mother was strained at best. In fact, she had just told her mother she was pregnant about three weeks ago, and that was only because George had let it slip out during a recent phone call with their mother. Joan had awful memories of her childhood and growing up. It was a wonder that she and her brother and sisters had survived their childhood. Her father had been a terrible alcoholic who drank and physically and verbally abused his family. Her mother had been weak and did little to protect her and her siblings from his rages. Joan's oldest sister, Julia, had gotten married at 17 and moved across the country to get away. Patrice, Joan's second sister, had worked hard in school and earned a scholarship to college. She too left home early and never returned. Joan and her brother George the two youngest of the siblings had been left to fend for themselves. They had witness horrible fights between their parents. Joan's mother finally got fed up when Joan was 15 and George was 13. They came home from school one day to find their mother gone. The two had been left in the care of their father. Their father for his part cared very little what they did. It was during this time that Joan had fallen in with the wrong crowd and her life had begun to spin out of control. If it had not been for the overwhelming responsibility she felt for George, who knows where she might have ended up. When Joan was 17, she and her brother had been left by their father alone in a cold Chicago apartment with no heat or money for over a month. A concerned teacher had called the DFACS office. DFACS was unable to locate Joan's mother or father. Finally, after several months in state custody, her sister Julia and her husband had sent for George and Joan to live with them in Charleston, South Carolina. It was during this time that she first came to the Citadel. Daryll, Julia's husband, worked on the campus. He would bring Joan and George to campus with him after school. From the first moment that Joan walked on to the campus, it became her dream to go to school there. Thankfully, she had always been a decent student and a good athlete. It was her athletic talent that had secured her a scholarship in track and field at the Citadel. The Citadel and the army saved her life. She learned discipline, duty, and honor through her training. Joan knew that if she had not come to the Citadel, she would have ended up like a lot of her old friends. George, who returned to Chicago every summer for visits with their mother, had given her countless accounts of old running buddies who were junkies, unwed mothers, petty thieves, and the likes. She shivered a little just at the thought of what her life could have been. "Joan, are you alright?" The sound of Roland's voice brought her back from her memories. "Look Joan, I know that you are not close with your family. I know you had a rough childhood, but things were just different for me. My mother, sister, and I have a bond that is so strong. I need to be close to my family. I need to feel connected. I just feel so disconnected here on post." Joan looked at Roland in hopelessness. "Roland, I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just leave the Army. I have signed on for another five years. I'm committed. What do you want me to do? I mean this house is small, but do you want me to move Olivia, Mark, Alexia, and your mother in here? Will that make you want to stay?" Roland could tell that Joan was getting defensive. Experience had taught him that when Joan was on the defense he needed to tread lightly. "Joan all that I am trying to say is that I need you to be here. I need to at least know that I have you here." "Roland, I am here!" Roland got up from his seat at the table and walked in the kitchen. He retrieved some water from the refrigerator for both Joan and himself. He used this time to gather his thoughts. He knew that Joan didn't get what he was saying to her and decided to try a different approach. "Joan," he began "life on post for me for the past two years has been miserable. When you first left for Afghanistan I was fine, but then days turned into weeks and weeks rolled into months and before I knew anything a year had gone by. That first year I just kept myself really busy working on my book and working long hours at the hospital. I even started rearranging the house just to give myself something to do. By the second year of your tour, my book was done, the house was done, and I was tired of working so much. All of our non-military friends had pretty much stop calling me. They were all couples and whenever I hung out with them I was just a fifth wheel. So I started doing things by myself. I went to movies solo, I went to dinner alone, I even when to parties by myself." Joan interrupted, "Roland, we talked on the phone and e-mailed constantly while I was away. Why didn't you ever tell me that you were lonely?" Roland simply shrugged. "What good would it have done to tell you Joan? You were on the other side of the world. There was nothing you could have done." Joan walked over to the table and sat in the chair directly across from Roland. She placed her hand gently on top of his. "You're right, there is nothing that I could have done, but maybe if you had told me how you were feeling, it would have made you feel so not alone." Roland looked up and gave Joan a weak smile. "I know I should have told you, but I didn't want you to worry. All the literature that the army was giving the spouses said that we shouldn't burden the soldiers with problems from home. I just dealt with it." "Roland, I don't care what the army said. You are my husband and if something is bothering you, I want to know about it." She hesitated for a moment and then added, "I need to know." Roland thought for a moment and then decided to continue. "Joan that second year was so hard for me. I didn't have anybody here to talk to. Livvy and Mark were in Chicago. Mama was in California. I visited all of them a lot, but my life was here and that limited how much and how long I could visit. Things got so bad at one point that Livvy actually came and stayed here with me for a few weeks." Joan listened in disbelief. "Roland, why is this the first time that I am hearing all this?" Roland felt the need to walk. Walking helped him to collect his thoughts. He pulled his hand free of Joan's grasp and rose from the table. This time he began to pace up and down the living room. "Joan, you were doing so great in Afghanistan. I couldn't ruin that for you. Everywhere I went on post people would tell me how great you were and what an excellent job you were doing. It was hard. No one on post ever asked about me. It was always Lt. Colonel Burton this or Lt. Colonel Burton that. Do you know that outside of the handful of people that I worked with at the hospital that no one on post even knew I was writing a book?" Joan was starting to get an understanding of Roland's behavior over the past few months. "I cared Roland. I always asked you about your book." "No Joan, you always made fun of my book." "Roland, I was only kidding. I am very proud of you and your accomplishments. Your book is great. Your research on PTSD and its effects on soldiers and their families is ground breaking. You should be very proud. I'm proud of you." Roland now stood behind the sofa with his arms folded tightly across his body. He could feel a twinge of anger rising in his chest. He tried to maintain his composure. "Joan it's not about the book. I could care less about the book. What I do care about is the fact that you could hold it together for everyone except me. When the army needed you, you were there leading your troops and rallying for freedom. I was here waiting for you. I waited two long years for you to come home. I can't tell you how excited I was when I knew for sure that you were coming home. I thought that we were finally going to get our life on track. We would finally get to have a home and a family. You told me countless times over those two years when you got home you would retire and we could start a family. Then you got here and things just fell apart." Joan had been listening intently. She felt dryness in her throat. She sipped some of the water Roland had gotten for her. It didn't help, but she spoke anyway. "Roland when I got home, I was sick. I didn't know it, but I was. I did my best to hold it together, but I just couldn't." "Joan, I know that you were sick and you needed me, but I needed you too. I did everything to help you Joan. You didn't do anything to help me." The two sat in silence for a moment as the weight of the conversation hovered heavily in the air. Finally, Joan unable to take the silence spoke. "Roland, do you blame me for being sick when I came home?" Roland stood pondering Joan's question. "Yeah, I guess I did blame you. Maybe not blame you, but I resented you for leaving me again." "Roland, I had to go away for treatment. I was no good for you, myself, or anybody else the way I was." Roland sighed and sat down on the sofa. He had grown very weary and tired. "Joan, I know you needed treatment. I wanted you to get help, but that does not change the fact that I was left here by myself again. I was dealing with the same situation that you were. I had witnessed a man's brains being blown out all over me and my office. My life was no picnic either. I couldn't eat. I didn't sleep and to top it all off, I had to go to work everyday and pretend that everything was okay. I needed you and you were not here. I was tired and worn down, so when Olivia came up with her plan, it just seemed like the solution. I needed somebody to take care of me. I needed a break." Joan looked into Roland's eyes. She for the first time ever saw hopelessness in his expression. He looked tired and worn down. She had never seen him look this way. It frightened her. "Roland honey, you're right. I should have been here for you. I should have known that you were not fine. I could have put off my treatment for a few weeks and stayed with you just to make sure you were okay. I have seen death a lot. Belgrad's death while tragic was not traumatic for me. It was for you and I should have recognized that you just couldn't get over that. I'm sorry. I let you down and I'm sorry." Joan got up from her place at the table and walked to Roland on the sofa. She sat down next to him and slid her arms around him pulling him close to her. She held him tightly in her arms and gently placed a kiss on his cheek. "Tell me how I can make this better," she whispered gently. Roland lay completely still in the warmth of Joan's embrace. He breathed heavily at first, but the longer they sat his breathing became more and more shallow. "I don't know how to make this better Joan. I don't know how we move on from here. I just don't know." Joan began to rub his back soothingly. "I don't know either Roland, but let's just do this for a while. For some reason it just feels like the right thing to do for right now."

Chapter 26: Stillness

The sunlight was shining bright through the curtains as Joan awoke the next morning. Joan couldn't remember what time she had drifted off to sleep. Her last memories of the previous night were counting Roland's heartbeats as they lay in each other's arms and praying that the moment would never end. Roland, exhausted from his trip and woozy from his medicine, had drifted off to sleep long before Joan. She had stayed awake for hours watching him fall in and out of realm sleep. She was grateful that it was Sunday. She did not have to go to work, and she could spend the whole day with Roland. She had decided that a little time off post could do them both a world of good. One of the female Captains in her unit had mentioned to her that Daniel Island had great baby boutiques. She had thought about making the trip herself last weekend, but the thought of shopping for nursery furniture alone had depressed her. But today was different. Today, she had Roland to shop with her. Secretly, she hoped that shopping for the baby would put him in better spirits. Although, she was happy that he had returned home, she couldn't shake the feeling that he was an argument away from being back on a plane headed for Chicago. As Joan organized the day's plans in her head she felt Roland beginning to stir next to her. When he was finally all the way awake, he gave her a big grin. "Good morning Joan, how did you sleep?" Though she was far from rested, Joan gave a most honest reply. "Last night was the best sleep that I have had in months." She leaned in and kissed him squarely on the lips. It was the first real kiss that the two had shared in months. Each of them lingered in the moment. Neither of them wanting to be the first to pull away, Joan finally hurting for air broke the embrace. "So, are you ready for breakfast? We have a big day today and you're going to need your strength." "Really, asked Roland coyly as he moved in closer to her." Joan smiled, "Yes, really." She swung her legs from the bed and began searching the floor for her slippers. Finding them and stuffing her swollen feet inside, she turned back to Roland. "Lifting baby furniture is hard work. Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes." Roland let out a laugh and fell back onto his pillow. "Well, I guess I had better get dressed then." "I guess you better," Joan yelled back as she disappeared down the hallway.

Pamela tried to appear calm as she entered Roxy's with Katie and Lucas in tow. Sunday dinners together had become a tradition for Pamela, Roxy and the kids. With both Trevor and Chase gone, the two friends found comfort in each others company and the kids loved being together. Roxy hearing the front door open and closed came down the hall buttoning the last button on her shirt. "So where do you want to take the kids tonight Pamela? Finn has his heart set on Fire Mountain." Hearing Roxy's words all four kids began to chant in unison, "We want Fire Mountain, We want Fire Mountain." Roxy sensing the natives were getting restless said, "Okay, guys okay. Keep your pants on. We'll go to Fire Mountain. Let's get your jackets on. Pamela does Katie have a jacket? Pamela?" Pamela did not hear Roxy calling because her mind had drifted to Joan. Earlier that afternoon, she had gone by Joan's hoping to just drop in and check on her. Joan's car was in the drive, but when she knocked on the door there was no answer. She had tried peering through the living room window. The house appeared to be deserted. Walking back to her own car, she noticed that Roland's SUV was missing from the driveway. It had been parked there for months. Pamela had never known Joan to drive it ever. She wondered to herself if Roland had finally sent for it. Was Joan now sitting in the house alone and crying because yet another piece of her life with Roland had disappeared. She returned to her van and tried calling Joan on her cell. There was no answer. She wondered if she should call Claudia Joy or Denise. They always seemed to know what to do. Maybe Claudia Joy could have Michael gain access to the house just in case. Pamela decided not to let her imagination get the best of her. Maybe Joan had just gone on an errand and decided to take Roland's car because it hadn't been driven in a while. She decided to go home and call Joan again later. If she answered the phone, then she would know that everything was fine. Pamela had tried calling Joan again right before she and the kids came to Roxy's with no success. She had really begin to worry. "Pamela, what's the matter with you girl?" Pamela suddenly became aware that Roxy was talking to her. "Girl, where's your head at? I asked if Katie has a jacket. It is chilly outside." "Yeah, she's fine. Her sweater is in the car. Are you ready to go Roxy? Roxy looked at her friend suspiciously. "Pamela Moran, what's going on with you?" Pamela looked at her friend. "Roxy, I'm a little concerned about Joan. Can we stop by her house on the way to dinner? I just want to check on her." Roxy sensing the anxiety in her friends voice quickly responded, "Sure let's check it out."

Roxy and Pamela pulled in front of Joan's house. Roland's SUV had returned to its spot in the driveway. "See," said Roxy, "she must have just gone out on some errands. She's back home now and everything's fine. Do you want to go in for a minute?" Pamela thought for a moment. "No, I guess she's fine. She asked us for some space. We should respect that and give it to her. Besides, the last thing she needs is these four little monsters running wild in her house. I'll just call to make sure she's fine." "Hey good idea, besides I know of at least five people in this car who are starving and ready to eat. Am I right guys?" "YESSSSS!!" chorused all four of the children from the back seat. As Roxy stirred the car away from the curb, Pamela dialed Joan's number. After about three rings Joan answered. "Hello." "Hey Joan, it's Pamela and Roxy. We were just calling to make sure that you were doing fine." Joan looked across the room at Roland as he struggled to make sense out of directions for the new baby swing they had bought. "I can honestly say that I'm doing great." Pamela detected a joy in Joan's voice that she had never heard before. "Well, I was just concerned because I stopped by earlier and saw Roland's car was missing and." "Oh yeah," Joan cut her off, "I went baby furniture shopping today and I needed the room." "Well, if you're sure that everything is fine, I guess I'll call you later." "Sure Pamela, I'll talk to you later." Roland hearing the mention of his friends name looked up from his task with a smile. "Was that Pamela on the phone? Why didn't you tell her I was here?" Joan looked at Roland with a sly grin. "Because, I am not ready to share you yet. If I had told Pamela, then she would have told the other ladies and they would have been over here in a flash. We agreed on a whole day together just the two of us no interruptions- remember." "I remember," answered Roland with a sheepish grin. "Good then," said Joan snatching the swing's directions from his hands, "that swing is not going to build itself and this little boy or girl is coming in less than three months. I hope you'll be finished with it by then." Roland grabbed his chest as if he had been stabbed. "That hurt Joan, that really hurts." "I'm just saying the last thing you assembled around her was that book shelf in the den. It took you almost three months. I would like the baby to swing in the swing before he is two." "Alright woman, give me those directions. I'll have this swing assembled in an hour." Joan sat back and watched Roland as he studied the instructions and looked at the pieces assembled on the floor. This time she lightly reached for the paper. "Tell you what, I'll read and you build." "Teamwork, no that's what I'm talking about, we make a great team you and me." "We sure do Roland, just as long as I hold the directions. She jokingly punched his arm as he reached in for a kiss. The kiss lingered for what seemed to be an eternity until finally Roland pulled away. "Okay, no more distracting me. I need to concentrate." Joan shook her head as Roland looked blankly into the sea of swing parts scattered about the floor. Deciding to take him out of his misery, she leaned over and picked up a piece from the floor. "Here this is the piece you need. It fits right there in the base."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 27:

Joan tried to listen patiently and attentively as Michael gave her endless list of task that needed to be completed. Her body was at work, but her mind was drifting across post to her quarters where she had left a sleeping Roland just hours before. It had been hard leaving the house this morning. She and Roland had had such a wonderful day on Sunday. They had stayed up late into the night talking and laughing and just enjoying being together. Joan had not wanted the night to end. Amazingly, though she had only gotten a few hours of sleep, she felt quite refreshed and alert. She was counting the hours until she could slip away and join Roland for a quiet lunch at home. "Burton, Burton!" Michael sat looking annoyed at Joan. Joan suddenly realizing that her name was being called answered in her automated response, "Sir?"

"Burton- Joan, are you alright?" Joan who was amused at Michael's use of her first name tried to remain placid. "I'm fine sir. I must have wondered off for a second. What were you saying?" Michael now more concerned than annoyed, eased back in his chair. He sat contemplating what he would say. "Joan, Claudia Joy and I are really concerned about you. You know with Roland being gone and you being pregnant. Maybe you should consider working a little less. I feel guilty giving you so much responsibility in your condition." Joan who usually showed no emotion at work couldn't help letting a smile spread across her face. "General Sir, we have already discussed this. I plan on working right up until I give birth. My doctor has given me the green light to perform all of my normal duties. It's very kind of you to worry about me, but really I'm fine." Michael looked at her skeptically. "Burton, I know that you are physically able to perform your duties, but we, that is Claudia Joy and I, feel that maybe you are emotionally not handling things well. I know that you were hoping for reconciliation with Roland." "Sir, my relationship with Roland is fine. We are getting along for our baby's sake." Michael rose from his desk and walked around to the front and propped himself on the edge. He leaned in close to Joan as if about to tell her something top secret. "Burton, I want you to consider taking some time off. Maybe, a few weeks to prepare for the baby considering everything that you have been through lately, I'm sure it will not be a problem." Joan sat taken back by both Michael's concern and tenderness. They had known each other for years and in many respects she considered him a friend. Yet, years of army life had taught each of them that friendship was friendship, but the friendliness ended once in uniform. In uniform, everything was about army business. This crossing of the friendship line while on army time made Joan very uncomfortable. She sat still and silent not knowing how to respond. Michael spoke again. "I have given this a lot of thought and as your commanding officer I can decide how and when you work. What if we put you on a schedule until the baby comes in by 8 out by 5." "So what, I'd be like a civilian worker or something?" Michael looked at her hopefully. "Not for ever, just until you have the baby and return from your maternity leave. I really think you need the break at least think about it." Joan, though agitated, did not let it show. "Well Sir, I will think about it. I'll let you know what I decide, and Sir thank-you." "Don't mention it Joan." "Michael, one last thing," Joan braced herself for this part "could you not call me Joan while we are in uniform its just confusing." With this Michael let out a hearty laugh and rose from his perch on the desk. Returning to his chair, he once again began the day's laundry list of duties and responsibilities as Joan sat across from him taking notes and making list of her own.

"Claudia Joy, I did tell her. She said she would think about it that's the best I can do. Now, I need to get back to work. I'll see you at home later." Claudia Joy hung up the phone from talking with Michael a bit dejected. She had hoped that he would be successful in convincing Joan that she needed to slow down and take it easy for these last weeks of her pregnancy. Michael had been her last hope. Well, there was always one last option though she had wished and hoped that she wouldn't have to use it. She sat looking out the window for a long time. She was trying to settle in her mind what she should do. Then it came to her, she had no other choice. She would have to call Roland and try to talk some sense into his head. She had tried with all of her might to remain impartial throughout this whole ordeal, but the situation had gotten out of hand. She had been worried about Joan since her return from Chicago. First, she was throwing herself into her work, then she was not eating, and now she was showing signs or irrational behavior. These signs were similar to the ones Roland had described when Joan was first diagnosed with PTSD. Joan had been under a great deal of stress lately and Claudia Joy was worried about her mental status. She had not rested well last night after speaking with Pamela on the phone. Pamela had told her all about Joan's excursion off post in Roland's car. Claudia Joy did not like the sound of it one bit. She was tempted to drive over to Joan's and investigate the matter herself, but Michael had convinced her not to go by saying he would talk to Joan in the morning at work. His talk had failed and now Claudia Joy knew she had to take matters into her own hands. Walking over to the phone, she picked up the receiver and dialed Roland's number. She half expected to get his voice mail. It was 10:00 in the morning which meant that Roland was teaching or seeing patients. It was her intention to leave an urgent message asking Roland to call her back. She was happy and even a little startled when Roland's voice came though the phone on its fifth ring. "Hello, Dr. Burton." "Roland, it's Claudia Joy do you have a minute to talk?" Roland who sounded a bit groggy as if just waking from a sound sleep answered back, "Sure Claudia Joy for you I have two minutes." Claudia Joy thought carefully as to how she could breach such a sensitive subject with Roland. They had been really good friends for a little over a year now. Most of the time she felt as if she could share anything with Roland, but this was different. She was about to dive into Roland's personal affairs. As much as Roland spoke with the ladies and gave them counsel and advice, he rarely spoke of his own personal life. Claudia Joy had known him long enough to realize that he was a very private person. She did not know how much he would appreciate her interference in his marriage. "Uh, Claudia Joy are you still there? Is everything o.k.?" She had lingered so long in thought that Roland had become uncomfortable with the silence. Claudia Joy spoke up. "Oh yes Roland, everything is fine here. How are you doing? How's the job coming along?" Roland sat pondering whether he should tell Claudia Joy what was happening between him and Joan. Deciding that he didn't want to give away too much too soon, he played it cool. Besides, the truth be told, he himself didn't know what was happening between he and Joan. "I'm doing really well Claudia Joy. How's Amanda? Is she enjoying college life?" Claudia Joy had been a mother long enough to know when a question was being avoided and the subject was trying to be changed. She decided to play along. This would give her enough time to stall and work up her own nerves. "Amanda is doing great. She loves her classes and she has met a lot of new people. Michael and I both wish that she would come home or at least call us a little more." Roland decided to move into his doctor role. "Well Claudia Joy, she's spreading her wings that means that she needs a little independence. It's just a phase; it will pass. How's Emmaline?" "Well my youngest daughter is going through her mom doesn't know jack phase. Most days I would swear that she thinks I am the stupidest person alive." Roland laughed, "Lots of growing pains in the Holden household I see." "You said it brother. So Roland, have you heard from Joan? How is she and the baby?" Roland decided to answer his friend as honestly as he possibly could. "I talked to her last night. She's good. She's buying furniture for the baby" "So do you plan to come here for the birth and to help her after the baby is born?" Roland figured that he needed to change the subject and quick. "How's Denise doing? I haven't heard from her in a while. I know she must be worried sick with both Frank and Jeremy deployed overseas." Claudia Joy could tell that Roland was not ready to discuss his issues with Joan with her. Experience had taught her that it was best to back off until the other person was ready. "Denise is doing fine. She has her job at the hospital to keep her busy; I think that helps with the worrying. Frank's already in Iraq and Jeremy is in Europe, but he could be sent to the dessert any day now. You know you should call back tomorrow. The girls and I are having lunch here together around 1:00. Everyone will be thrilled to hear from you." "I just might do that Claudia Joy- I just might." Claudia Joy thought for a moment then said "You know we are all here for you anytime that you need us for anything. You are about to be a 1st time parent and we all have kids already. We are more than happy to lend a sympathetic ear. "Thanks Claudia Joy I appreciate that. Joan and I are going to need all the help we can get. It's funny that you think you are so ready for something and then you're about to get it and discover you're not really ready at all." Claudia Joy saw the opportunity to seize on this in road. "You know Roland, it will be hard for you being a new dad all the way in Chicago when Joan and the baby are here." There was silence on the line. "Roland, are you still there?" Roland spoke, "Yes, I'm still here. Claudia Joy I know that you and the other ladies are really worried about the situation between Joan and I, but don't. We'll be fine. I promise." Claudia Joy could sense that her advice was maybe sinking in, but she decided not to push too hard. Roland was a rationale, reasonable and intelligent person; he would make a good decision. He would make a fair and right decision. Perhaps, he just needed a little more time. Claudia Joy decided to push the issue no further. "Roland, it was good to hear your voice. I'd better run now; I have a few errands to do before I pick Emmaline up from school." "See you Claudia Joy." "Bye Roland." Claudia Joy plopped down on her sofa. She couldn't have imagined her call with Roland going any better. She was closer to convincing him to come home than anyone had been before. Thank goodness she was meeting with the other wives tomorrow maybe someone else would have an idea on how to handle the Roland situation. She knew if the four of them put their heads together, Roland would be home before the baby was born. She smiled to herself as she picked the phone up again and dialed a number. "General Holden, I just had to call and let you know how amazing your wife is."

Joan had worked right through lunch. She had so much work to get done that the hours had escaped her. Now hoping that she would be able to get home early, she worked like an energizer bunny. She wanted to make a special dinner for Roland to make up for missing their lunch date, and she needed to stop by the PX before going home. Roland had been home for less than a week and already she had to cancel their plans because of work. She had to prove to Roland and to herself that she could make her marriage and family a priority in her life. Stacking one last folder in her out box, she once again read and verified that she had completed all task on her to do list from Michael. She just had one last fax to send to Washington and she could finally go home. She glanced down at her watch 15:30. She couldn't remember ever going home this early in her twenty year career. As the fax ran through, she packed her briefcase and gathered her things. She would finally get to see Roland. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Roxy as she lightly tapped on her office door. When she turned to leave, she was startled to find Roxy standing behind her. "Oh my goodness, hello Roxy, I didn't hear you come in." "Sorry about that, I knocked." Joan gave Roxy a wide grin. "It's o.k. What can I do for you?" Roxy sat down in the chair opposite Joan's desk. Joan braced herself for a pep talk or whatever was about to come. What did come, she never expected. "Joan, I need your help." "Sure Roxy, I'll help you if I can. What's the problem?" Roxy sat fidgeting in her chair. She was noticeably uncomfortable. "Joan, there has been a mix up of some sort with Trevor's pay. I didn't get his check for this month and the boys and I really need the money. I wouldn't come to you except, I have been through all of the chain of command and no one seems to know what to do. Meanwhile I can't afford to buy my kids a box of cereal. Money has been tight since I stopped working at the bar. I would have gone to Claudia Joy, but she would have tried to give me money and I don't want no hand outs." Joan sat listening patiently and sympathetically. She had heard rumblings of enlisted wives who were having trouble with receiving their deployed husbands pay. She even knew that the post chaplain had started a food bank to help the families who were struggling. Deployments were often rough on soldiers' families. Many families survival was dependent on the soldier working an extra job or two to make ends meet while the wife stayed home and tended to the kids. During deployments, money was tight there was no surplus of income. Many of the wives could not work because of childcare or could not find work due to lack of job experience. Consequently, most enlisted families lived from check to check. Though Joan knew all of this to be true this was the first time that she had any personal connection with the situation. She gave Roxy a reassuring smile and said, "Let me make a few calls and see what I can do." Roxy let out a sigh of relief. "It's good to have friends in high places around here." Joan picked up her phone and began making calls. It took her over an hour and half, but she was finally able to track down Trevor's missing pay check. She was assured that Roxy would be able to pick it up by the end of the week. Joan hung up the phone and went over to her brief case. She searched it for a moment and then pulled out two twenty dollar bills. "Roxy, I'm going to give you some money so that you can get the boys some groceries today." "No Joan, I can't let you do that. That's real nice of you and all, but I can't. I wouldn't take money from Pamela, Claudia Joy or Denise and I won't take any from you. I have enough money to make it until Trevor's check is ready at the end of the week." Joan prepared to speak but stopped herself. She could see the pride and determination in Roxy's face. Joan remembered her own childhood and what it was like growing up never being certain where you next meal was coming from. She also remembered how proud and unwilling to accept charity she was. She decided not to argue. People always needed to be left with their dignity in tact. Roxy begin zipping her jacket and preparing to go. "Thanks for your help. I need to get going. My boys are waiting on me." Joan looked at Roxy intensely for a moment then suddenly without warning she reached out and pulled Roxy into a hug. "Hey, what was that for?" Roxy asked. "I just felt like giving you a hug," replied Joan "it's just a hug." Roxy was puzzled by Joan's strange reaction. Though they had become close in the past few months, Joan had never hugged her before. "Joan girl, I think those hormones of yours are working on over drive." "You know what Roxy, I think you may be right," Joan said with a smile. "O.k. yeah, well I'll see you later Joan. If you need me for anything, throw a rock." Roxy left Joan's office in bewilderment. Joan, in a couple of months, had become friendlier with the ladies. But, Roxy was not ready to count her as a friend. Yet, in her office, Joan had treated her as a friend. Was Joan finally softening or was Pamela and the other ladies right was Joan losing it again? What was that hug about? Roxy would have to get the other wives take on this at their meeting tomorrow. For now, she was just relieved that she would have Trevor's check by the end of the week. She needed to get some things for the boys and pay bills. Filling the crisp air rippling through her body, she pulled her jacket tighter around her and took larger steps towards her car. She thrust her hands in her pockets to keep them warm. As she jabbed her right hand in her pocket, something scratched at her fist. Retrieving the foreign object from her pocket, she removed two crisp twenty dollar bills. Suddenly, she realized what had happened. "Sometimes a hug is a little more than a hug," she thought out loud.

Joan ran her errands as quickly as possible. Helping out Roxy had cost her a lot of time. She wanted to get home and have a nice quiet dinner with Roland. For months, she had dreamed of just being together with Roland in their house talking, laughing, eating and sleeping. She had longed for life to be the way it used to be before her deployment. She wanted her marriage back; the marriage she had before Afghanistan, before PTSD, before the cancer scare, before the alleged affair. She wanted them to be normal again to just be Joan and Roland. The past three days had been her glimpse at that life. She and Roland were actually enjoying each other again. She secretly wished that things could stay this way forever. Yet, in the back of her mind, she had a nagging suspicion that something sinister was just lying under the surface waiting to be exposed. As she pulled in her driveway, a smiled spread across her face. Roland had been working in the yard. The leaves had all been raked and bagged, and the bags were all neatly stacked for pickup. Roland had even trimmed the hedges and cut back the hanging vines. The flower beds were all freshly covered in straw. The yard was the perfect picture of fall. "Husbands are really good for a lot of things," Joan thought out loud. Joan's contentness quickly turned to dismay as she entered the house. Placed neatly by the front door was Roland's travel bag. Joan quickly scanned the down stairs rooms looking for Roland. As she walked through the house she began to call out for him "Roland, Roland where are you?" Roland did not answer. This caused an even greater panic in Joan who began to call louder. "ROLAND! Are you here?" As Joan entered the bedroom, there she found Roland talking to someone on the phone. "Yes, economy is fine. 8:00 AM is great! Thanks for the help." Joan stood anxiously listening as Roland ended his call. "Hey Joan," he said with a smile as he placed the phone back on the charger, "I didn't hear you come in." Joan didn't respond; she stood looking intently at Roland. "Joan, what's the matter? You look as if you've seen a ghost." Joan fought to hold back her rage as she carefully chose her words. "Roland, are you going some place? I mean I saw your bag downstairs. Are you going back to Chicago?" Roland became conscious of Joan's mood and the reason behind it. He walked over to her and gently took her in his arms. "Yes Joan, I am going back to Chicago tomorrow." Joan now struggled to fight back her tears. "Why Roland, why are you leaving? I thought," her voiced trailed off. "Joan it's not what you think. I am just going to Chicago for the day. I have a follow up appointment with the doctor and Livvy and Mark are subleasing my apartment and I need to sign some paper work. Besides, I need to go and see Dr. Samuels and explain to him why I have had to resign and leave so abruptly. I'll be home by the time you get home from work tomorrow." Joan breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, why didn't you tell me? I could have taken the day off and gone with you." Roland look at her in astonishment. "Joan don't be silly. I can't remember the last time that you could just take a day off." Joan who had now relaxed just a little laughed too. "Any other day, I would have agreed with you, but for some reason Michael is pushing me to take some time off. I think he'd give me twenty days if I asked." It was Roland's turn to laugh. "You know I never thought that I would see the day that you, Lt. Colonel Burton, would volunteer to take a day off work." "Well Roland, I'm really trying to prioritize my life. You are way more important to me than my job." Roland stood with a pleased look on his face. "Wow Joan, that's… that's the nicest thing that you've ever said to me." Joan and Roland stood in silence letting the honesty of the moment sink in. Satisfied that enough time had passed Joan spoke, "So are you going to help me with dinner or what?" "I thought you were in charge of dinner tonight," Roland replied. "I am. I'm actually making one of your favorites beef roast with oven roasted potatoes. I don't want you to cook; I just want your company." "Well," said Roland "my cooking that's a no, but my company I can offer." The two laughed and hand in hand they went downstairs to prepare dinner.

Joan lay uncomfortably in the bed next to Roland trying to drift into sleep. Sleep however would not come. Roland lay next to her deep in sleep without a care in the world. Joan was unable to push the unsettling feeling that she had from her mind. Tomorrow, Roland would venture to Chicago alone. The prospect of him not returning was nagging at Joan's brain. Though Roland had assured her numerous times during dinner that he would only be gone for the day, she still worried. She could not bare the thought of losing Roland again – not even for a day. She had been tempted to call Michael and ask for the day off to accompany him, but she didn't want Roland to feel that she didn't trust him. As her fears taunted her, Joan tossed and turned in the bed. "Are you still up?" Roland turned to face Joan in the bed. "Roland, honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I just can't seem to get to sleep tonight." "Is the baby keeping you up?" Joan looked at Roland. She didn't want to lie to him, but she also feared admitting the truth. "I just can't get comfortable tonight that's all." Roland sat all the way up in the bed. "What can I do to help? Do you need more pillows or anything?" Joan tried not to let her anxiousness show. "No, I'll be fine really. You on the other hand need to get some rest. You have a long day tomorrow and we need a clean bill of health from the doctor. Go back to sleep. I think I'll go downstairs and have a snack and maybe watch a little t.v." Roland lay back down in the bed as Joan sat up to leave. As Joan prepared to exit the room Roland called out, "Goodnight, I'll see you in the morning." Joan hesitated but answered "Yeah, see you in the morning."

Once downstairs, Joan tried to clear her mind. She made herself a snack and turned on the television. As she flipped through the channels, she tried to avoid thinking of tomorrow. What if Roland really decided not to come back? Joan began to wonder what had happened to her. There was a time that if Roland had decided to leave her she would have just let him leave. In fact, that was exactly what she had done months earlier. However, after all that they had been through since that time, she knew that she could not allow that to happen again. She once again pondered calling Michael. It was much too late to call now, but she could call him first thing the next morning. As she toyed with the idea over and over again in her head, Roland entered the room. Joan looked up startled to see him standing over her. "Roland, I thought you had gone back to sleep." Roland lowered himself on the couch next to her. "Nope, I tried. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I decided to join you. What are you watching?" Joan turned her attention towards the television. She had not even noticed what was on. "Nothing really, I just wanted the noise to keep me company." Roland grabbed the remote that rest between them on the sofa. "Let's see what is on." Joan lay back on the sofa and threw a chenille throw that had been resting on the sofa's back across her. Roland flipped through the channels restlessly. "Nothing good is on." Joan shook her head in exasperation. "Honey, it's one o'clock in the morning. Nothing good is supposed to be on. People should be asleep. We should be asleep." Roland now joined Joan and reclined on his end of the sofa. "You're right. We should be sleeping, but you can't sleep and I can't sleep so here we are." "Hey, stop here. I like this show." Roland looked at the television set. "What is this?" "It's a wedding show. People tell about all the crazy stuff that happens to them while they plan their weddings." Roland rolled his eyes. "So it's a girl show. What channel is this any way Lifetime?" Joan kicked at him playfully across the couch. "Yes, it is Lifetime. Men watch Lifetime too Roland. Besides you kinda need a guy to have a wedding." "Well, if a guy is smart, he'll do what I did for our wedding." Joan gave a warning glance. "Oh yeah, what's that?" "Wear whatever his bride-to- be tells him and show up the day of the wedding on time." Joan let out a laugh. "Roland you helped me a lot with our wedding. You picked the cake, and the reception menu, the wine list and…" "Notice a trend in that list Joan?" "Hey, now that I think of it, all you did was help with the food." It was Roland's turn to laugh now. "Exactly, I feigned interest in all that other junk and you were none the wiser." Joan smiled as she remembered all the preparations that had gone into planning her wedding. It was one of the few times in her life that she had felt like a girly girl. Some of her bridesmaids had joked that she would most likely show up on her wedding day in her dress uniform and a pair of combat boots. But, she had always envisioned a fairy tale wedding and that was exactly what she had. She had the long white dress and equally long train, ice sculptures, a horse drawn carriage, groomsmen in tales and tuxes, bridesmaids in pretty dress, the whole nine yards. It had been one of the happiest days of her life. Though, she sometimes forgot it; the past nine years with Roland had been the best years of her life. The good, the bad, the downright ugly, she would not have changed any of it. As she looked towards the other end of the sofa, Roland had fallen asleep. She took a second blanket from the back of the sofa and covered him. She then wrapped her own blanket tighter around herself. Turning her attention to the television, she let out a howl of laughter as the bride on the show admonished her husband for not helping her more with the wedding planning. "Men," she said out loud.

"ROLAND BURTON! If you don't get up right now, you will miss your flight." Roland awoke with a start. Joan was pulling the warm blankets off of him. She was already fully dressed and as his eyes came into focus, Roland realized she was thoroughly agitated. "Roland, I've been trying to wake you up for the past thirty minutes. We're late." "Sorry Joan, it's the meds. They drain all my energy, but hopefully I have taken my last dose of them." Joan who was folding blankets turned to him. The agitation that had just moments before showed on her face had turned to concern. "Roland, I want you to listen to whatever the doctor tells you today. I don't care if the meds make you tired. If the doctor says that you need to keep taking them that is what you are going to do. Even though you don't have cancer, you still have a tumor and you need the meds to help get rid of it." Roland was a little annoyed, but he knew Joan was right. He hated taking medicine of any kind, but he did need the medicine to get better. "You know between you, my mother, and my sister I could never not take my meds. Joan walked to the kitchen with Roland following close behind. "Speaking of meds, it's time for the morning set." "Yes mother," Roland said sarcastically as he took the pills from her hand. "Sir, you're on dangerous terrain this morning. Take your pills and go get dressed." Roland left the room and went up stairs to get dressed. Joan stood alone in the kitchen. She was still very worried about Roland returning to Chicago today though she tried not to show it. She wiped down the counters in the kitchen and made Roland an expresso and some toast. It had been a little over a week since Roland had returned home. Joan was surprised at how quickly they had reestablished a daily routine. Joan as usual rose first in the morning and prepared breakfast. Roland had always been a late sleeper and now seemed to sleep even later and more frequently. Joan noticed the subtle changes his medicines had made on his sleeping and eating patterns. Roland slept more and ate less. Over the past few days, Joan had become concerned that maybe he was not eating enough. In the course of a day he had about ¼ of the food she had known him to eat in the past. She was worried that he slept too much and ate too little. She wanted to speak with his doctor about this, but Roland had insisted on going to Chicago by himself. However, the more she stood thinking, the more she convinced herself that she needed to go with him to his appointment. She had asked her doctor just days before if it was still safe for her to travel. Her doctor had given her the all clear for another two or three weeks. Before Joan could stop herself, she was dialing Michael Holden on the phone and requesting a day off. Michael had agreed without any explanation on her part. Joan was glad because she and Roland still had not told anyone about his return. She didn't know how much longer they could keep his return a secret, but she was enjoying having him all to herself for now. Now all she had to do was get a seat on Roland's flight which turned out to be much easier than she had thought. The flight was not full and she had even managed to get a seat near Roland's. She was just hanging up with the airline when Roland reentered the kitchen. Joan looked at him and noticed that even though he had gotten a full night's rest he still looked absolutely exhausted. She gave him a half smile and walked towards him as he sat down at the table to eat. "Roland, why do you look so tired? Are you feeling alright?" Roland looked up and gave her a bright smile. "I'm fine Joan. I just didn't sleep well last night." Joan was puzzled. Roland had slept on the sofa until she had awakened him to go to bed. He had fallen instantly back to sleep once in bed and as far as she knew he had slept all night. When she got up at 05:00 hours he was sound asleep. She could not understand why he was so tired. "Roland, I have decided to take the day off and go to Chicago with you. I want to hear what your doctor has to say." Roland looked at her and quickly looked away. Joan caught the apprehensiveness in his eyes, but she said nothing. "Joan, you don't need to go with me. I can go to the doctor by myself. I wouldn't let Livvy take the day off to go with me and I don't think you should either." Joan listened patiently as Roland argued his case. When he was finished, she calmly informed him that she would be going with him whether he wanted her to or not. Roland though not happy decided it was best not to argue, so he quietly finished his breakfast.

Roxy couldn't believe how long it was taking her to get off the post. The checkpoint seemed more crowded this morning than usual. She checked the clock on the car radio. It was already 7:15. She had an interview all the way down town at 8:00 and if things continued this slowly, she was going to be late. She leaned over into the passenger's seat and began rummaging through her purse for her cell phone. She needed to call Pamela and check on the boys. They had spent the night at her friend's so that Roxy could prepare for her interview. Getting this job was important to her. Her family needed the money and she was desperate to find something to occupy her time until Trevor returned home. Her days were so empty with the boys off at school. All of her friends had other things to do rather than hang out with her. Pamela had her radio show; Denise was busy at the hospital. Claudia Joy had way too many responsibilities as the post commander's wife, and Roland was all the way in Chicago. Roxy spent most of her days alone waiting for the boys to come home from school during the day and waiting for phone calls from Trevor and her friends at night. She needed this job as a distraction to keep her busy. The busier she was the less she missed Trevor. He had only been gone for four months and already she was going crazy. She wondered how Roland had gone without Joan for two whole years. Was that part of the reason that they were getting divorced? Roxy wondered if any marriage could survive such a long separation. She hoped that her marriage would survive. It was precisely at this moment that Roxy looked up in time to see Joan pull into the officers only exit gate. Roxy could not be sure, but she could have sworn that the man in the car sitting next to Joan was Roland. What was Roland doing on post with Joan? Was it Roland and if it wasn't Roland, who was this man in the car with Joan? Roxy didn't have time to get a closer look; Joan sped through the gate leaving Roxy to sit and wonder.

Joan and Roland were met at the Chicago airport by a smiling and waving Olivia. She stood at the luggage carousel as Roland and Joan disembarked the plane. She moved forward through the crowd and gathered them in an embrace. "Joan, I wasn't expecting you to come. I am so happy to see you." Olivia stepped backed and looked at the growing bulge of Joan's stomach. "My goodness, you look as if you could have that baby at any moment." Joan laughed and rubbed her own stomach. "I feel as if it could happen at any moment, but the doctor says I have another month and a half to go." "Well, that probably means another two months because first babies are always late," responded Olivia. Roland stood looking on as the two sisters talked baby for about five minutes. Olivia noticing his silence finally spoke to him. "So Roland, are you going to give your sister a hug or what?" Roland gave her a smile and a big hug. "I was just waiting to be acknowledged. I used to be your favorite Burton." It was Olivia's turn to laugh. "Well baby brother, you are still one of my favorite Burtons. Hey, do you guys have any bags?" Roland spoke up, "Just this carry-on. I think we are ready to go." Joan grabbed Roland by his arm. "I need to make a stop and then we will be ready to go." Roland turned to face her. "You have to go again? You just went before the plane landed." Olivia punched her brother in his arm. "Hey, give her break. She has a whole little person pressing on her bladder. It is a wonder that she's able to do anything besides go to the restroom." "Thanks for the support Livvy. Now help me find a restroom. I really need to go!" Olivia laughed and began walking. "There's one right around this corner. I hope you can make it that far."

Roland wheeled Olivia's car through downtown Chicago. He and Joan had just dropped Olivia at her office and were now dashing across town to make his doctor's appointment on time. Roland tried to concentrate on what he would say during the appointment. He had not anticipated Joan being with him. There were things that he had not wanted her to know, but she had insisted on coming. He had tried convincing her to wait at Mark and Olivia's for him to no avail. She had insisted on attending his doctor's visit. Joan had noticed Roland's anxiousness. She knew he was keeping something from her. She had decided not to press the issue. She was however waiting for him to offer her the truth. She did not know what was bothering him so much, but she knew something was wrong. It had been a small part of why she insisted on accompanying him to Chicago. As the two sat driving to his appointment, she wondered what new mystery this day would unfold.

They arrived at the doctor's office right on time. Joan made a small detour to the restroom and when she joined Roland in the waiting area the nurse was already calling him back to see the doctor. Joan waited in the small examination room while Roland changed into a gown. She was anxious to get a clean bill of health for him. She wanted this whole ordeal behind them so that they could move forward with their new life together. Roland entered the exam room and sat tentatively on the exam table. He did not speak and Joan could tell that he was nervous. She moved her chair closer to the table and took his hand in hers. She sat holding his hand. Finally, he looked up at her. She could see the anxiousness in his eyes. "It's going to be o.k. I'm here; everything is fine," was all that she could manage to say. The doctor entered the room and began his examination. He did the vitals. Roland's blood pressure was high and his breathing seemed labored. The doctor then sent them to radiology, so that he could get a status on the tumors. After about an hour of cat scans and x-rays, Joan and Roland joined the doctor in his office. Joan sat nervously in her chair as the doctor surveyed Roland's test. He did not speak for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally, he began. "Roland, all of your test seem to be in order. The tumors are responding well to the medicines and are decreasing rapidly in size. I don't think we will need to operate to remove them." Joan let out a small sigh of relief. The doctor continued. "I am however, concerned about your elevated blood pressure and your rapid breathing. For a man of your fitness level and health these both seem to indicate stress rather than illness. How have you been feeling lately? Are you resting alright? Are you getting enough exercise?" Roland sat in his chair for a long moment and did not answer. Both Joan and his doctor sat waiting for his reply. Joan turned to face him. "Roland, what's wrong? Answer the doctor." Roland did not respond immediately. He seemed to be weighing his response. Finally he spoke and said, "Truthfully, I haven't been sleeping at all. On average I get about two hours of sleep a night." Joan turned to him in disbelief. "Roland what are you talking about. I have seen you sleeping for hours without end at night. I estimate that you are getting ten to twelve hours of sleep at least." At first Roland said nothing then he turned to face her. "No Joan, I have been pretending to sleep for hours at night. I pretend to sleep until you fall asleep and then I just lie in bed waiting for morning to come." Joan sat in disbelief. "Roland, why would you pretend to sleep?" "Because Joan, every time I close my eyes to sleep, I am back in the Hump Bar right before it explodes or I'm in my office right before Sgt. Belgrad is shot. I just keep reliving those two awful moments over and over again. I can't eat; I can't sleep. I am barely holding on." Joan now rose from her chair and walked towards the window. "Roland, how long has this been going on? Why didn't you say anything? We promised no secrets from here on." Roland started to rise from his chair then changed his mind and sat back. "Joan I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. You are pregnant and you don't need this stress. That's why I didn't want you or any one else coming to my appointment today. I was hoping that the doctor could give me something to help me rest and maybe boost my appetite. I was trying to protect you." Joan started to respond, but then suddenly turned her attention from Roland to the doctor. "Is there anything you can give him? He has to be able to sleep at night." The doctor spoke, "I agree with you Mrs. Burton. Rest is imperative to your husband's recovery. His elevated blood pressure will only serve to aggravate the tumors. I can prescribe something to help him sleep, but it is my suggestion that he see a counselor or someone to deal with the reasons behind his inability to sleep." Joan said nothing as the doctor wrote out Roland's prescriptions. The doctor passed four prescriptions across the desk. He explained the two new prescriptions for sleep and appetite as both Joan and Roland listened attentively. Roland looked at Joan as she listened carefully to the doctor's instructions on each pill. "Thirty minutes to an hour before meals," he heard her repeat dutifully. He couldn't believe how calmly she was taking all of this. She said nothing as they paid the nurse and scheduled his next appointment. In fact, she said nothing until he parked to drop her off at Olivia's. The plan was that she would wait at Olivia's while he went to visit Dr. Samuel's then he would meet her and Olivia and his new tenant at Olivia's to sign the lease agreement. Before exiting the car, Joan turned to him and said, "This is far from over Roland, but we'll discuss it when we get home." Roland said nothing as she leaned over and kissed him on his cheek. "I'll see you later. I love you." Roland could only utter an "I love you too," in return.

The rest of Roland's afternoon went well. He had a great meeting with Dr. Samuels who was more than understanding of his situation. He even offered to give Roland a reference if he needed for his next job. Roland had not even thought of what he would do for a job now that he was back in Charleston. He didn't know if he wanted to return to the post hospital. He had been living off of the royalties from his book. It was a decent income, but he knew it would not last forever, and he didn't see another book in his near future though his publisher had made him an offer. His employment situation just added to his list of worries. The thing he most worried about now was the inevitable conversation with Joan that he would have later that day. Back at Olivia's, he found Joan napping in the guest bedroom. It was a whole hour before his meeting was scheduled with the tenant. He and Joan needed to be back at the airport by 5:30. Their flight was scheduled to take off at 6:30 and they would land in Charleston at 8:00. He glanced at his watch; he had exactly six hours before dooms day. As he pondered his impending doom, he drifted into a soft sleep. He was awakened by Joan's insistence to Olivia from the next room that they not wake him until it was time to leave for the airport. He could hear Olivia's protest. "But, he can sleep anytime. We only have thirty minutes before you guys have to leave for the airport. I've only seen him for five minutes the whole day." Joan was trying to convince his sister, "Livvy, Please just trust me. He needs to rest." Roland shook his head at Joan's rooky mistake. Olivia was a good lawyer. She had read 110 interpretations into Joan's words. Now Joan's inquisition would begin. "Did something happen today at the doctor? Is Roland alright? What are you not telling me? Joan don't try and hide things from me." Olivia was firing questions quicker than Joan could respond. Roland decided to rescue Joan. He rose from the couch and entered the kitchen. Olivia's back was to the open door, so she turned with a start when he spoke. "Livvy, leave Joan alone. I have just been having a little trouble sleeping that's all. I'm sure once I readjust to life at home I'll be fine." Joan looked at him grateful for the rescue. Olivia was tough; she would hate be cross examined by her in court. Olivia now turned all of her focus to Roland. "Honey, why can't you sleep? Do you want me to make you a relaxation CD? Here, let me get you some of this tea. I give it to Mark and Alexia when they can't sleep at night." Olivia began scouring her cabinets to find her magic sleeping tea. Roland just stood looking as his sister scrambled about the kitchen. "Livvy," he said in a soft but firm tone, "you can't fix this for me, but I love you for trying. Now come over here and sit down. Let's talk and catch up before I have to go." Olivia stopped moving about the kitchen and came and sat next to Roland at the table. She took his hand in hers and smiled weakly. Roland gave her a reassuring pat and said, "I'm fine really I'm fine." He then looked at Joan and continued. "Joan's taking great care of me. So stop worrying." Olivia let out a sigh. "I know Joan takes good care of you, but I still can't stop worrying." "I know," replied Roland, "I know. Now, when is my niece getting home? I want to see her before we go." Olivia looked at her watch. "It's a little after four now. She and Mark should be here any minute. We are all going to the airport. I thought we could have sandwiches there after you get checked in and we'll wait with you until your flight leaves." Roland now looked at his own watch that read 4:05. "Hey sis, isn't our appointment late. He was supposed to be here at three." Joan spoke this time. "He was here at three. He has come and left. You were sleeping so soundly that I couldn't wake you. Olivia and I handled the papers. I signed them. We're married so technically he is our tenant." "Good deal," replied Roland with a smile. "Uncle Roland!!!!" came a shout from the door way as Alexia ran into the kitchen and straight into Roland's open arms. "I missed you Lexxie," Roland said as he pulled the little girl close in his arms. "I missed you too," was Alexia's enthusiastic reply.

Roland and Joan were both exhausted as they loaded into the car. Their flight home had been delayed. It was now 11:30. It would be after midnight before they got home. Roland knew that it didn't matter how late they got home, he had a serious talking awaiting him. Joan sat quietly thinking; she was very tired. She would have an early start in the morning and a late stay in the evening for missing work today. As they pulled into the driveway, she decided to just try and get Roland to sleep tonight and deal with the rest tomorrow. When they entered the house, Joan went into the kitchen and got bottles of water from the fridge. Roland stood waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. They showered and changed in relative silence. When Joan entered the bedroom from the bathroom, she walked to her purse. She retrieved something and returned to the bed. Getting under the covers, she faced Roland, "Here take this. We will get your prescription tomorrow. The doctor gave me this sample for you tonight. It's not as potent as your prescription, but it may do the trick." She watched intently as Roland obediently took the pill. She kissed him goodnight and turned to go to sleep though she knew that she would not sleep much that night. She lay in the stillness of the dark room for over and hour. Slowly, she turned to face Roland in the bed. As she turned, she saw that Roland lay fully awake. "Pill didn't work?" she asked. "Nope," Roland replied. She rested her head on his chest. "What can I do to help you sleep? Maybe some warm milk or hot tea?" Roland sighed, "I've tried all of that to no avail. Why don't you just get some rest yourself. Don't worry about me. I'll eventually drift off to sleep." Joan wanted to protest, but she was just so tired. As much as Joan wanted to stay awake and keep Roland company, she was soon overcome by her own desire to sleep.

Roland lay in bed waiting for morning to come. Joan had fallen asleep hours ago. He felt around on the night table for his glasses when he couldn't find them he squinted for the time. It was already 4:30. Joan would be waking in another thirty minutes. He decided that it would do him no good to continue to pretend he was sleeping because she knew the truth. He laid waiting and sighing heavily in the darkness. At precisely 5:00, Joan began to stir in bed. She awoke to a fully awake Roland. She looked over at him sympathetically. "No sleep last night, huh?" Roland's silence gave her his answer. "Well, you might as well get up and come and have some tea with me." Roland got out of bed and stretched himself. He was so tired that he could barely stand. He was running on less than seven hours sleep over the past four days. Aside from his short nap at Olivia's the day before, he had not had any sleep in the past twenty- four hours. He was hoping that once the sleeping pills the doctor gave him took affect, he would get some much needed rest. He walked into the kitchen looking tired and disoriented. He retrieved the milk and cream from the refrigerator for the tea. "I'm making you an expresso, because I think you need it," commented Joan who was searching the cabinets for something. Roland did not give a response. He sat down at the table and waited. Joan walked over and rubbed him gently on the back. He leaned into her embrace partly because he needed to feel her touch and partly because he couldn't hold his head up any longer. "I think you should make yourself an appointment today to see someone," Joan began awkwardly. "I know you don't want to see a doctor on post, but maybe there is a doctor off post that you would be willing to see. I think you should talk to someone about how you are feeling." Roland looked up at Joan in disbelief. "I don't need to see a shrink. I am a shrink! I just need a little time to get over all of this." "Roland it's been months. How much time do you need?" Roland got up from the table and walked over to the television set to turn it on. Joan was agitated. She couldn't understand why Roland always masked his feelings. He hated to admit that he needed help. He avoided uncomfortable situations at all times. His easy going nature was one of the things that attracted her to him, but it was also the thing that drove her most crazy. She had spent the past nine years always guessing his mood and what he was really thinking. Roland was the master of the poker face. "Roland, come on don't turn on the television. We need to discuss this. You can't always walk away when things get uncomfortable." Roland who was now standing in front of the television began flipping through the channels. Joan walked over and removed the remote from his hand. She turned the television off and turned to face him. Roland was immediately uncomfortable with the silence. He needed to get himself out of this situation as painlessly as possible. "Joan, I'll be fine really I will. I just need to relax and get some rest." "Roland," Joan responded in a warning tone. "You are not fine. You can't relax. Roland it's okay to need help. Everyone needs help from time to time even Dr. Roland Burton." Roland fell back hopelessly on the sofa. "I'm fine," was his placid reply. "You are not fine! Stop saying that you are fine!" Joan felt a sharp pain ripple through her stomach. "Ouch, that hurt." Roland began to rise from his place on the sofa. "Joan, what's wrong? Is it the baby? What happened?" "Roland I'm fine. The baby is fine. Don't you dare try and change the subject. The one person in this family who is not fine is you. I'm scheduling you an appointment." Roland who rarely argued felt that he could not just let this go. He would not be treated like a child by Joan or anyone else. Furthermore, he was not prepared to be embarrassed in front of a colleague for something as silly as not being able to sleep. "Joan, I don't need you to make me an appointment. I don't need to see a doctor. Can we just wait to see if the pills work?" Joan stood thinking for a moment. "Alright, but what if the pills don't work?" Roland remained silent. "Roland, I asked what if the pills don't work ?" Roland knew he had no choice but to answer. "If the pills don't work then I'll go and see someone." Joan looked at him skeptically. "Is that a promise?" "I promise," Roland answered.

Joan and Roland stood hand in hand at the pharmacy counter waiting for Roland's prescriptions. They had waited until almost closing time in the hopes that they wouldn't accidentally bump into someone they knew. Few people were in the PX this close to closing so they felt pretty safe being out together. Since Roland's return they had not gone out in public together on post. No one as far as they knew no one even knew that Roland was back on post. Joan and Roland were so preoccupied with each other that they didn't notice that they were being watched by Denise.

Denise had just finished a double shift at the hospital. She enjoyed working long hours because it preoccupied her time now that both Frank and Jeremy were gone. She had decided to drop in the PX to get a few groceries for the house and to pick up a light snack for herself. She had spotted Joan's car in the parking lot as she entered the store. She wondered why Joan was out shopping so late. Then she had spotted Joan walking hand in hand through frozen foods with a man. Was Joan on a date? She didn't mean to spy, but she was curious. She and her friends had noticed a change in Joan's behavior over the past week. She no longer seemed depressed and hopeless. Claudia Joy had reported that she even saw Joan sitting at her desk smiling and humming quietly to herself. Could this new man be the reason for all of her new found bliss? Before Denise could help herself, she was following Joan and this stranger all around the PX. Now the two stood waiting at the pharmacy for something. Denise had just decided to walk up and intrude on the couple when she was approached by another nurse from the hospital. "Denise? Denise is that you?" Denise turned at the sound of her name. "Hi Cindy, what are you doing here so late?" "Same as you I guess," the other woman answered. Denise now tried desperately to hold a conversation with Cindy while keeping a watchful eye on Joan and her companion. "It has been so hard managing everything with Fred gone. I mean between work and the kids, I barely have a moment to breathe. But, you know what I mean, you husband is deployed too." Denise tried hard not to think of Frank being deployed and even more recently Jeremy had written that he too would soon be sent to the front lines. "Yeah, well Cindy, we just have to try and keep our spirits up and pray that our husbands will be home soon." Denise glanced down quickly at her watch, but it was Cindy who spoke first. "Yeah, I need to go to. I can't leave my kids with my neighbor much longer or she may stop watching them for me all together. I'll see you tomorrow Denise." "Yeah, see you tomorrow Cindy and let me know if I can do anything to help you. I'm a great babysitter." "Gee Denise, that's really nice of you. I may take you up on that offer." When Cindy finally walked away Denise turned her attention back to the pharmacy, but Joan and her mystery man were gone. Denise hurried and picked up her last items hoping to catch them at the check out line. When she did get to check out there was no sign of them. After paying for her purchases, she walked quickly to the parking lot and there she saw them. Joan and her mystery man loaded in Joan's car. As the car passed under the lamp post, Denise was able to get a good look at the man. Were her eyes deceiving her or was it Roland? No, it couldn't be Roland. Roland was in Chicago. Who was this man with Joan? Denise had to find out.

"I'm telling you guys. He is the spitting image of Roland." Denise was having a conference call with Claudia Joy, Pamela, and Roxy. "It' no way that it could be Roland," Claudia Joy explained, "I just talked to Roland in Chicago the other day." "But how do you know he was in Chicago?"  
asked Pamela. "Did he say that was where he was?" "No, he didn't say," responded Claudia Joy. "But, why would Roland be here? And if he were here, why wouldn't he have called us by now?" "I knew that was Roland the other morning. I told you Pamela," chimed in Roxy. "By the way Rox, how did you interview go," asked Denise? "I think it is promising," responded Roxy. "I'll know in a few days." "Can we stick to the issue at hand," asked Pamela? "Has Roland come back?" "I don't think we need to jump to conclusions," answered Claudia Joy. "I know what we should do," suggested Roxy. "What?" asked all of her friends in unison. "I think we should just pay Joan a little visit tomorrow morning. Take some baby gifts over since we all have a few for the shower and see what is going on." "I'm with you," said Pamela. "Of course you two would think that's a great idea," admonished Claudia Joy. "We need to respect Joan and Roland's or Joan and who ever's privacy." "I don't know Claudia Joy, I think Pamela and Roxy are right on this one," answered Denise "I am dying to know what's going on and Roxy's plan works for me." Roxy spoke up before Claudia Joy could object. "Good then it's settled 3 against one. We go to Joan's in the morning."

When Joan opened the door for her early morning guest, she knew there would be trouble. "Surprise!" the foursome yelled as they stood in the doorway with balloons and gifts galore. "We just thought we would bring over some early shower and gifts and a little breakfast," said Pamela innocently. "Can we come in?" questioned Denise as she peered over Joan's shoulder. Joan was hesitant to open the door, but she figured she was safe since Roland was fast asleep upstairs. The sleeping pills ordered by the doctor had worked last night. Roland had drifted off to sleep and was still soundly sleeping upstairs. She quickly glanced around the room for any incriminating evidence of Roland's presence and let the women in. She would let them have their party and hoped they would be gone before Roland even woke. "I'm sorry Denise," she responded, "of course you guys can come in." The ladies all filed into the house. Each inspecting every nook and cranny for any signs of a male presence, Roxy finally spoke up. "Good Lord Joan, this place is so neat and tidy. What do you have a maid or something?" Joan looked at her confused. "No, we, I mean I clean it myself." Pamela chuckled, "I hope you aren't used to this neat as a pen look. As soon as you have that little guy, you can forget ever having time to clean again." "I hope not," answered Joan, "both Roland and I hate for things to be disorganized." No sooner than it was said Joan realized her mistake. She hope that no one else in the room had caught it, but she was not that lucky. "Roland AND you," asked Claudia Joy. Joan had to scramble to cover her mistake. "Well, you know. It's hard sometimes I forget that Roland." "NO!!!" a loud yell from upstairs interrupted Joan's sentence. "No, please don't shoot him!" The yell was louder. Joan forgot about the ladies in the room and turned her focus to upstairs. Without thinking she cried, "Oh my God Roland!" and made a mad dash for the stairs with Roxy, Pamela, Claudia Joy, and Denise close on her heels.


	6. Chapter 6

"NO!!!" a loud yell from upstairs interrupted Joan's sentence. "No, please don't shoot him!" The yell was louder. Joan forgot about the ladies in the room and turned her focus to upstairs. Without thinking she cried, "Oh my God Roland!" and made a mad dash for the stairs with Roxy, Pamela, Claudia Joy, and Denise close on her heels.

As Joan approached her bedroom, Roland's screams became louder and more distinct. "No, dear God no, please don't shoot him." Joan entered the room to find Roland struggling violently with the covers half of which he had thrown to the floor. Poor Roland was sweating and a stream of tears poured down his cheeks. Joan noticed that he was neither sleeping nor fully awake. She approached the bed cautiously. "Roland," she whispered "wake up Roland. It's alright; you're home and you're safe." Roland did not respond; he continued to toss and turn in the bed. "What's the matter with him? Is he alright?" asked a nervous Roxy from the door. "He's having a night tremor," Denise answered in reply. "I've seen a few people experience them while working at the hospital. It is quite common when a person has undergone some type of" "Traumatic stress," Joan finished the thought for her. "I remember it well. I saw a lot of it while I was in PTSD treatment and I experienced it a little first hand." "Poor Roland," exclaimed Pamela, "should we try and wake him again?" Joan turned to face the other ladies. "Can you guys wait for us downstairs? I don't want Roland to be embarrassed and he probably will be if he wakes up and sees you all here." The ladies all agreed and though worried went downstairs to wait. Joan stood another moment looking at Roland who for the moment seemed to have calmed himself. She bit her lower lip not knowing exactly how to proceed. She decided to wait until she could discuss the matter further with someone more trained in this area. For the moment, she would simply wake Roland so that he could enjoy a morning with his friends. "Roland honey wake-up there are some people here to see you." This time Roland did respond and instantly woke from his sleep. "Good morning Joan," he said with a wide grin. Joan looked at him with bewilderment. He acted as if he had no knowledge of what had just happened. Joan decided to play along with the act. "How did you sleep?" she asked. "I must have slept well, because I feel well- rested this morning." "Honey, that's really good," Joan answered. Roland rose from the bed and looked questioningly at the covers scattered on the floor. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving." Joan suddenly remembered the women waiting downstairs. "Well Sleeping Beauty, you have a little company for breakfast so you had better get dressed and get downstairs." "Company?" Roland asked in a suspicious voice, "who's here?" "I guess you'll have to get dressed and come downstairs to find out."

Joan joined the ladies downstairs while Roland showered and dressed. "Look you guys, I don't want you to mention to Roland what happened upstairs when he comes down." "Joan it is not healthy for Roland to ignore what is going on," warned Denise. "I know Denise. I know, but I don't think he remembers what happened and I just don't want to upset him this morning. Please let me handle this." Pamela took this opportunity to ask the most obvious question. "By the way Joan, what is Roland doing here and why exactly is he sleeping in your bed?" "Pamela that's a good question. I'd liked to hear the answer to it myself," chided Claudia Joy. In the midst of the morning's chaos Joan had completely forgotten that her secret had just been discovered. "Well if you ladies must know and I know that you must know, Joan and I have reconciled," answered Roland with a smirk from the doorway. All the ladies turned in response to Roland's entry in the room. "Oh my goodness, Roland Burton as I live and breathe you are a sight for sore eyes. Come over here and give me a hug," squealed an overly anxious Roxy. Roland entered the room fully and grabbed Roxy up in an enormous hug and then hugged each of the three remaining ladies with the same enthusiasm. "Well Joan, I guess the honeymoon is over," he laughed as he placed an arm around her shoulders. "The ladies have found us out. We knew this day would come." Joan who was still quite shaken tried to remain calm. "Well, if we had to be found out, I'm glad they are the ones who discovered our secret." She glanced down at her watch. "I'll have to leave breakfast to you guys. I can't be late today. We have a very important meeting this morning. Ladies thanks for the gifts. Roland I'll see you tonight." She gathered her briefcase and keys and started for the door. Then turning as if she had forgotten something very important, she returned and placed a kiss firmly on Roland's lips. The ladies looked on in surprise. They had never seen Joan display affection in pubic. "See you later Joan," Claudia Joy managed for the group.

When Joan was safely out of the house the ladies turned all their focus on Roland. They had a million and one questions to ask and they expected him to supply answers. "What had made him want to come back?" Roxy asked. "How long had he been back?" Pamela demanded. "Why haven't you called any of us?" Claudia Joy inquired. Roland did his best to answer each of the ladies questions. He told them all about his shopping trip with Mark. He also explained that he and Joan had wanted to spend time reconnecting with each other before they announced their reconciliation. The friends spent half the morning talking, laughing and catching up. "So Roland, how have you been feeling?" Denise finally had the courage to ask the question that all of the ladies had been avoiding. "I've been a little tired, but other than that I'm fine." Roland answered. All of the women gave each other troubled glances. Roland continued, "I went to the doctor the other day and he said that I am progressing nicely." "But, how are you otherwise, asked Pamela. Roland looked at her as if he hadn't understood her question. Pamela was about to say something else when she was interrupted by Claudia Joy. "Ladies look at the time, we had better get going. You know we have to help pack boxes for the soldiers today for FRG." "Oh yes, I had almost forgotten with all the excitement of seeing Roland," chimed in Denise. The ladies began collecting their things. Each lady hugged Roland for a last time and told him how happy they were that he was back. Pamela who was last to exit hugged Roland for an extra long time and whispered "Call me if you need to talk or anything. I'm here for you o.k." Roland again looked at her confused, but smiled anyway. "Thanks Pamela, I know I can count on you." "Hey good cover story Claudia Joy," Roxy was saying as Pamela joined the other ladies on the curb. "I think for now we need to respect Joan's wishes and let her handle what ever is going on with Roland. If she needs help, she'll ask," said Claudia Joy. The other ladies agreed that they would let Joan deal with Roland at least for the time being.

Joan had somehow managed to make it through her morning meeting. Now back in her office, she replayed the morning's events over and over in her mind. She didn't quite know what to do about Roland. He had made it abundantly clear that he did not under any circumstances want to see a therapist about his sleep issues. This morning had made it painfully clear that he needed to see someone. Joan now had the monstrous task of convincing him of this fact. She pondered who she should call or talk to. She thought of calling Olivia, but she knew that this type of information would have her on the first plane and Joan did not want that. Catherine was a calmer option, but inevitably telling Catherine meant telling Olivia. Mother and daughter rarely kept secrets from one another and a secret about Roland would never be kept. Joan had just had a thought of someone that she could call when General Holden knocked on her door. "General Sir, what can I do for you?" Michael stood looking coyly at the door. "Rumor has it Burton that you have been keeping a little secret." "A secret sir?" Michael intensified his gaze on her. "Claudia Joy just called, and it seems that a certain XO has reconciled with her husband and failed to report said reconciliation to her commanding officer." Joan could not stifle the laugh that had gathered in her chest. "Oh, that secret, yes sir Roland and I are back together." "Burton, I'm glad to hear that. I'm happy for you and for Roland." Joan tried to maintain her composure. She was extremely happy that she and Roland had reconciled. Having Michael say it out loud caused a surge of joy in her heart. She had been trying so hard not to get overly excited just in case things did not work out as she had hoped. But now, for some strange reason, she couldn't help but be glad about what was happening for her family. She no longer had the overwhelming feeling that something was lurking and waiting to destroy her happiness with Roland. She once again felt secure and confident in the strength of Roland's love and the bond of their marriage. It really was a good feeling. "Burton, I'll let you get back to work. I just wanted to offer my congratulations." "Sir thank you sir," Joan answered in response. Once she was sure that Michael was a safe distance from her office, Joan went over and closed her door. Corporal Blade, her clerk, looked up in astonishment. He had never in the three months that he had been assigned to Joan's office known her to close her door. Joan gave a polite smile as she shut off the world on the other side. What she had to do needed to be done in private. She would not risk anyone overhearing her conversation. She picked up her blackberry from her desk and began strolling through her address book for the number. She stopped on the number that for many months had been her life line. She once again considered the ramifications of her call. She decided that she had no other option but to call. She cautiously dialed the number and waited. The polite voice on the other side answered quickly, "Dr. Ralph's office, how may I assist you?" Joan was reassured by the familiar voice. "Cheryl, this is Lt. Colonel Joan Burton is the doctor in?" Cheryl who recognized Joan's voice began to chat incessantly. "Joan, how are you? We have not seen you in a while. How are you feeling? How much longer until you have the baby?" Joan patiently answered all of Cheryl's questions. Finally Cheryl got around to informing her that the doctor was in with a patient, but that he would be free later that afternoon if she needed to make an appointment. Joan considered it for a while, maybe it would be better to talk to the doctor face to face. She scheduled a late afternoon appointment with Dr. Ralph and bid Cheryl good –bye. She hoped and prayed that she was not making the biggest mistake of her life.

At precisely 18:00 hours, Corporal Blade witnessed yet another amazing event. For the first time, he saw the Lt. Colonel leave the office before finishing every piece of work that was on her desk. She didn't make a big deal out of it. She simply walked out of her office and announced that she was leaving and the Corporal was also dismissed for the evening. They would continue with the rest of the work tomorrow. Corporal Blade looked up in surprise, but simply answered "Ma'am, yes ma'am," before continuing his own work.

Alone in her car, Joan called Roland to tell him that she would be home late. She did not explain the reason for her lateness not wanting to lie, but she knew that he would assume that is was because she was working. Roland, who was used to her late hours, simply stated that he would keep dinner warm for her and gave her a parting hurry home I miss you. It was great to be missed and it was nice to have someone to hurry home to. Joan was almost persuaded to turn around at that moment and head for home. "No," she thought to herself, "you have to be strong for both of you – all three of you now. Roland fought so hard to help you when you were sick, now you have to do the same thing for him." She continued the fifteen minute drive downtown to the office of Dr. Ralph. Joan had started seeing the doctor shortly after returning from her PTSD treatment. He had helped her get through many difficult situations over the past months. She hoped that he could help her now. She pulled into the parking lot of his office. There were still plenty of cars scattered throughout. Dr. Ralph and his partners were one of the few mental health clinics that kept late hours. They had a lot of soldiers who were too embarrassed to seek help on post as their patients. They stayed open late so that the soldiers could come after work. Joan walked into the familiar waiting area and smiled as she waved to Cheryl at the desk. "Wow, look at you!" Cheryl exclaimed. "You are absolutely glowing. Pregnancy really agrees with you." Joan thanked her and took the seat nearest the office door. Cheryl buzzed for the doctor who came out immediately to greet Joan. "Joan, it's great to see you. Come on in. Let's talk for a while." Joan entered the office and settled in on the sofa. She and the doctor sat in silence until Dr. Ralph finally spoke. "So Joan, what's being going on? Why did you need to see me today?" Joan fidgeted uncomfortably on the sofa for a moment and then began. "Dr. Ralph, it's about my husband. I think that maybe he is suffering from some PTSD and he refuses to get help." Dr. Ralph studied Joan's face. "Joan, I though we decided at our last appointment that you would stop focusing on Roland and start focusing on yourself. Roland is in Chicago. You can not manage his life from here." Joan looked up in shock. She had forgotten to mention that Roland was back. "No, Dr. Ralph, Roland is here. We have reconciled." Dr. Ralph sat back in his chair taking in this new bit of information. "When did this happen?" he asked with keen interest. "It's been two weeks now," Joan answered with a smile. Dr. Ralph listened as Joan explained the circumstances involving she and Roland getting back together. Finally he asked, "So how do you feel Joan? Are you happy?" Joan answered with great certainty "I'm overjoyed! I love Roland and all I have ever wanted is for our marriage to be successful." Dr. Ralph began taking notes on his writing pad. Joan often wondered what it was that he wrote down about her. "Joan, are you sure that you can handle the responsibility of Roland's emotional state and your impending child birth right now? I don't want you to take on anything that will hinder your own progress. You are doing so well." Joan sat thinking about what Dr. Ralph had asked. "Dr. Ralph, Roland has done so much for me over the years. He gave up his whole life for me. He has supported my career and my ambitions. Somehow through all of that he has managed to love me unconditionally. Right now, he needs me. I just want to try and give back to him a little of what he has given to me. So yes, I can handle this. I survived for two years in the dessert. This should be a piece of cake." Dr. Ralph put down his note pad and looked thoughtfully at Joan. "Joan, you know as well as I do that the first step in Roland's recovery requires him to admit that he needs help and then to want that help. He will not be successful in treatment if he is only doing it to make you happy. So, how does Roland feel about getting help?" Joan felt almost unprepared to answer this question. "Roland's a psychiatrist, so he thinks that he's fine. He has always had a hard time accepting help for himself. He'll move heaven and earth to help other people, but he clams up any time someone wants to help him." "Well, how are you going to get him to get help?" asked Dr. Ralph. Joan thought for a moment. "I don't know; I just know he needs help. I will convince him somehow." Dr. Ralph decided to change the focus of the conversation and he once again picked up his pad and pen. "Joan, how are you doing through all of this? Does seeing Roland in such a fragile emotional state bring up any issues for you?" "It has been hard," Joan admitted, "I look at Roland and I see myself ten months ago. I mean I know that I'm not cured or anything. At times, it is hard for me to think about my own baby without remembering that little girl. I even think about Peter Belgrad's sons. I still have a lot of guilt. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and remember that I'm allowed to make mistakes and I don't have to be so darn perfect all the time." "Then Joan, I know we have made progress," replied Dr. Ralph, "you have come a long way through your therapy." Yes, I have. Thanks Dr. Ralph for all your help, you are the best." Dr. Ralph accepted his compliment with a smile. "Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get that husband of yours in to see me, so I can work some of my magic on him." Joan rose from the couch and extended her hand, "Don't worry. Leave Roland to me. I'll get him in here if it kills him." Dr. Ralph took her hand in a firm hand shake. "Colonel, I know you are the woman for the job."

Joan thought all the way home. She knew what she had to do and she knew it would not be easy. She was a little afraid of what might happen, but she had decided that she could not live the rest of her life in the fear that Roland might leave again. If they were going to have an open and honest marriage and relationship then they had to be able to discuss things that upset them. As she pulled into the driveway, she steadied herself for the battle that she was certain was to come.

Roland greeted her at the door with his usual smile and good humor. She was glad that he was in such a pleasant mood. Though it had been a rough sleep, she could tell that the night's rest had done him some good. He seemed more alert and calm. "You look better today," she offered as she greeted him with a kiss. "Thanks, I feel better. I have been so tired lately. Those pills that the doctor gave me really did the trick. I slept the whole night last night. I can hardly wait to get to bed tonight." Joan gave him a nervous smile as she wandered pointlessly around the room. "Dinner's ready, if you want to go get changed." Joan glad to get an escape for a few minutes nodded in affirmation and went upstairs to change. When she returned to the table, Roland had set everything for a nice romantic dinner. The lights were dimmed, candles were on the table, and her favorite jazz cd played softly in the background. Roland stood holding out her chair as she neared the table. "Dinner is served," he remarked with a grin. Joan looked around and took in the scene. "What's this all about?" she asked. "I decided that we should have a date night tonight. Soon, we won't be able to, so I thought we might as well enjoy our last days of freedom before the baby comes." Joan thought back to the last date night she and Roland had. It was the night that he confessed to her that he had an affair while she was away at treatment. It was the worst night of her life. She tried to push the thought away. That date night had ended with her alone and crying and Roland staying at a hotel, she hoped that tonight would go much better. Date night or no date night, tonight was the night that she would confront Roland about his night tremors. Roland went on aimlessly trying to set a romantic mood. Joan felt bad that she couldn't go along with his amorous mood. She was waiting for just the right moment to broach the topic of therapy. That moment came much sooner than she expected. "Joan, where are you tonight? You haven't been listening to a word I've said." Joan looked across the table. "I'm sorry honey. Are you done eating, because we need to talk?" Roland looked at Joan with concern in his eyes. "Talk about what? Is everything alright with you and the baby?" Joan immediately defused his fears. "The baby and I are fine. No, Roland we need to talk about you." Roland was taken back a little. "About me? What about me?" Joan got up and began clearing dishes from the table. "Joan, can you not do that right now. You said you wanted to talk. Let's talk." Joan heard an echo of her own words from yet another date night that had ended in disaster. She turned to face Roland and then decided she needed to sit. She went over to the sofa and made herself comfortable. Roland immediately rose from the table and came to join her. When they were both settled Joan began. "Roland, you know I love you right. I would never do anything to hurt you or intentionally cause you embarrassment or shame." Roland listened with keen ears. He did not like the turn that this conversation was taking. Joan continued, "Roland, you need help. You are not dealing well with some of the things that have happened to you here on post. I think your coming back here has opened up some old wombs and feelings that you have tried to suppress." " Joan, let's not have this argument again. Nothing is wrong with me. I just needed a little help falling asleep. I have the pills now and they are working great. I slept soundly last night." Joan had to think fast. She felt Roland's wall of defense going up and she had to break it down before it got too strong. "How was your visit with the ladies today?" she asked. Roland looked at her. He was beginning to get annoyed. What did his friends have to do with this conversation? He answered calmly, "We had fun. We talked and laughed and caught up on what I've missed since I was gone. By the way, did you know that Lenore Baker is engaged to General Randall?" Joan looked at him with slight amusement. "Yes, I knew. The wedding is next month. We have an invitation if you want to go. Is Lenore Baker all that you guys talked about?" Roland was puzzled. "We talked about lots of things. Why, are you so interested?" " Did the ladies say anything to you about this morning?" Joan asked. "What about this morning?" demanded Roland. "Roland, when the ladies were here this morning they heard you." "Heard me what?" Joan was hesitant. She couldn't believe that Roland had no memory of his nightmare. "They heard you screaming out in your sleep. You were having a night tremor. Don't you remember?" Roland looked at Joan in disbelief. "Joan, I think I would remember having a nightmare and I don't." Joan moved in closer to him on the sofa, "But, honey you did. All of the ladies and I were there. We tried to wake you, but you wouldn't bulge. I guess that was the effects of the medicine. Roland, I'm really worried about you." Roland sighed heavily. He would never admit it to Joan, but he had been having flashes of dreams. He would be in the shower or driving in the car and see a flash of Peter Belgrad's face, or he would be standing in the Hump Bar right before the explosion. Lately, the visions had been more frequent. He had thought about speaking with his doctor to get a prescription for his nerves, but he did not want to become dependent on pills. He sat silently on the couch not looking at Joan though he felt her eyes watching him intensely. Frustrated and nervous, Roland quickly exited the room without a word. Joan sat not knowing what to do. She took a deep breath and decided to follow Roland. She found him sitting leaned against the wall on the floor in the upstairs hallway. He was obviously upset. Joan approached him gently. She said nothing, but sat on the floor next to him and waited. "Sometimes I think maybe I am losing my mind," Roland said softly. "Roland, you are not losing your mind. You have just been through a lot lately. We all have." Roland looked at her and then looked away quickly. "I'm a doctor. I should be able to handle my emotions better." "Everyone needs help sometimes Roland even psychiatrists." "I am usually so in charge of my emotions. I don't know what's wrong with me." Joan stretched herself and extended her lap. Roland gently placed his head in her open lap. "Roland, I have made an appointment for you to go and see Dr. Ralph. He helped me after I returned from my PTSD treatment. In fact, I still see him from time to time. He's a great doctor and I think he can really help you. I'll even go with you if you want me to." Roland thought for a moment. He hated the fact that he had to go to see a professional. He was a well known and respected doctor himself. He should be able to solve his own problems. He felt Joan's hand as it gently rubbed his face. He thought of Joan and the baby. He needed to be better for them. He needed to face whatever was going on with him, so that he could be there 100 for Joan and their child. He needed to get better for his family. Slowly he lifted his head and turned to face Joan, "I'll go."


	7. Chapter 7

The months had passed quickly. Joan had officially received notice from her doctor that labor could come any day now. She was already a week overdue. Upon hearing the news, Michael had officially released her from her duties and given her maternity leave. Bored out of her mind for the past two days of "maternity leave," Joan now sat in the new nursery looking around for something anything to do. She and Roland had painted the walls a bright blue and trimmed them with yellow border. The crib, decorated with a bright yellow crib set, sat in the center of the room waiting for its new occupant. Beneath it was a beautiful hand made rug given from Denise to the baby. In the corner sat a new wooden bassinet with yellow bedding compliments of Mark and Olivia, it was awaiting the arrival of the newest Burton. In the other corner by the small window was a beautiful oak rocking chair that had been passed down from generation to generation in the Burton family. Mark and Olivia, the previous owners, had it shipped down for the baby. Catherine had made a handmade blanket that now lay folded across the back of the chair. All of the clothes, most of which Joan got at one of her three baby showers, were hung systematically in the closet; the blankets were folded neatly in the top dresser drawer, onesies, socks, and bibs were in their respective drawers. The diapers, wipes, and ointments were all in place on the new changing table. Above the changing table hung a portrait of teddy bears in the spring having a picnic this was a gift from Pamela. Claudia Joy and Michael had given them diaper service for a year. The furnishings in the room were completed by the addition of the baby swing given to them by Roxy. She swore to Joan that it would be her new best friend. Roxy had laughed as she told the story of how often little Fin rocked back and forth in his swing. Everything was in order just as Joan liked it. Joan sat down in the rocker and took in the scene. She smiled as her eyes caught a glimpse of the tiny baseball bat and cap Roland had bought last week for the baby. He insisted that he did not care if the baby was a boy or girl as long as it was healthy. He argued that he had only gotten the bat and cap just in case. Joan couldn't help responding that little girls played baseball too.

Olivia was scheduled to arrive the next day to wait for the baby's arrival. She would be staying for two weeks to help Joan until Catherine arrived. Joan's older sister was also coming for a short visit. With all of the mothers in the family and Denise, Claudia Joy, Roxy, and Pamela fighting to help her, Joan wondered if she would even get to hold her own baby before he was three. Joan glanced down at her watch 3:00. She had another hour before she had to meet Roland at his therapy session. She had been going with him as often as she could since he had begun two months earlier. She never went in the office with him, but she was always there in case he ever wanted to invite her in or in case he needed her. He had never invited her in, but he always seemed relieved to see her sitting waiting for him when he was done. The therapy seemed to be helping him. He was sleeping much better and his moods seemed to have stabilized. He had been offered the chance to return to his duties at the hospital but had decided against it until he could better deal with himself. Roland's philosophy was he was no good to his patients if he was no good to himself. He had agreed however to work on a part time basis with the young interns and residents at the hospital. From time to time he consulted on patients suffering from PTSD his area of expertise. Joan took comfort in the fact that he was somewhat reemerging himself in life on post. He seemed happier; happier than he had been before. The phone rang down the hall. Joan was about to call for Roland to answer it when she remembered he was at the hospital today. She hurried as much as she could hurry down the hall. Instantly she recognized the voice on the other end. "I almost hung up. What took you so long to answer the phone?" Joan laughed, "You are just Mister Funny today. I believe that it is your son or daughter adding twenty pounds to my perfect body weight keeping me from moving faster." It was Roland's turn to laugh. "So how is my baby's mama today? You were asleep when I left this morning and I didn't want to wake you." "I appreciate the consideration. I am thankful whenever I can get two hours of sleep together with a bathroom break or a swift kick from this baby line backer." There was a long pause on the line. Finally Joan spoke, "Honey, is everything o.k.? You are still on for your appointment with Doctor Ralph at four?" "Oh yeah," Roland spoke up quickly, "Umm actually that's what I called to ask about. Are you coming today?" Joan thought this was a strange question for him to ask. She had only missed one of his weekly appointments in the two months that he had been going. "Sure Roland, of course I'm coming. Do you want me to come?" There was a long pause Joan was just about to speak when Roland answered. "I want you to come in today. There are some things that we need to discuss and I think Dr. Ralph can help us communicate better." Joan didn't know if she liked how this was going. Things had been so good lately, or at least she thought. What could Roland possibly want to discuss that required the intervention of a doctor? "Joan, are you still there?" The sound of Roland's voice brought her back to consciousness. "Yes, I'm here and I'll see you at four. I need to make a bathroom run." "O.k., see you at four." The truth was Joan needed to get off the phone before she cracked. Roland's tone had put her on edge. She had the same foreboding feeling that she had when Roland had first returned home. They had come so far since then. Was her whole world about to crumble around her again? She looked at her watch; she had less than forty- five minutes to find out.

Roland sat outside of Dr. Ralph's office waiting for Joan. He felt anxious about his session today. He had been meeting with Dr. Ralph for weeks now and had disclosed more to him than he had to anyone. Both he and the doctor had decided that it was time for Joan to take part in their sessions. There were some issues that Roland felt needed to be dealt with before the baby came. He had tried discussing some of these issues with Joan off and on over the past months. Usually, she dismissed anything serious that he said and begin talking about the baby or anything to change the subject. Roland just needed a forum to clear the air. He felt this was important for their life to get back to normal.

Joan sat in the parking lot composing herself. She had been trying so hard to make everything work with Roland. She thought she had been doing a good job. She was home every night by six. She cooked dinner at night and made breakfast in the morning. She had completely dedicated herself to her marriage and to Roland. What more did her want from her? A tear escaped her eyes. She quickly brushed it away; she was fighting to hold it together. "I hate being pregnant!" she voiced out loud. "My hormones are so off that I can't keep it together." There was a light tap on her window. She turned and was startled to find Roland standing there. She took a quick breath and put on her best face. Getting out of the car, she gave Roland a quick peck on his cheek. "Joan, where you crying?" was his immediate response. Joan recovered in a flash. "Yes, I was. Stupid commercial on the radio made me cry." Roland looked at her with apprehension. "I came out to look for you, because you were running late. Dr. Ralph is waiting for us. Are you sure that you are alright? You're never late." Joan rubbed her stomach absently. It had been hurting her a little all day. "I'm sorry I'm late. I just can't seem to move fast enough these days." Roland let out a light- hearted laugh. "It's fine Joan. It wasn't a judgment. It's only 4:00 right now. I just know you early is on time and on time is late." He grabbed her hand and lead her into the lobby of the doctor's building. They walked hand in hand to Dr. Ralph's office. Just as they were about to enter the waiting area, Joan stopped short. Roland turned to look at her. "Roland, wait a minute." Roland looked at Joan and immediately looked at her overly swollen belly. "What is it Joan? Is it the baby?" Joan hesitated for a minute. A false labor could certainly get her out of this. Her better judgment took over, and she decided against that. "No Roland, come down. It is not time yet. I want to tell you something before we go in." Roland glanced at his watch. "What is it?" Joan inhaled deeply. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you and no matter what happens today, I will always love you." "I love you too Joan," Roland replied. "Now can we go in?"

Dr. Ralph sat patiently at his desk awaiting their arrival. He smiled and rose to greet them as they entered his office. "Well, if it isn't two of my favorite patients. Joan, Roland please come in and have a seat." Joan took a seat in the chair nearest the door while Roland settled in on the couch beside her. "Well Joan, can't be long now. How much longer until the baby comes?" "The doctor says it can be any day now. I am getting so big that any day can't come soon enough for me." Dr. Ralph chuckled, "My wife was the same when we had our first. She was two weeks overdue and miserable. A good friend of ours gave us a sure fire way to make the baby come." "Oh yeah, what was that," asked Roland. "Good old fashioned s-e-x. It is a sure fire way to get labor started. My wife and I have used it with all three of our kids." Joan and Roland exchanged nervous glances though neither of them spoke. Dr. Ralph intuitively responded, "So the two of you are still not having sex?" Neither Roland nor Joan responded and the silence gave Dr. Ralph his answer. "Roland, we talked about this over a month ago. An integral part of every healthy marriage is a good and healthy sex life. You promised me that you would work on it." Joan turned to look at Roland who was now looking intently at the print on his tie. Roland did not look up or speak. Dr. Ralph continued, "Roland is there a reason that you are not interested in sex with Joan?" Joan now sat perched on the edge of her chair. In the three months that she and Roland had been back together they had only made love once. In the beginning, she had not wanted to pressure him, so she had just let it go. She naturally assumed that the more readjusted and comfortable that they became that the sex would return naturally to the relationship. After a while they got so busy with planning for the baby that it just wasn't much of an issue. Joan had to admit that in recent weeks her sex drive had increased more and more, yet she couldn't bring herself to make the first move. She had already made that mistake with Roland,and she didn't plan on repeating it. She glanced over at Roland who now sat trapped like a deer caught in headlights. He neither moved nor spoke. She reached out for him to offer a little comfort and support. She was shocked when Roland pulled away. She immediately dropped her hand and slid back in her chair. "Do you see now what I was telling you about?" For the first time in long minutes Roland spoke. He looked directly at Dr. Ralph. Dr. Ralph leaned back in his own chair. "Roland why don't you try telling Joan what" you told me." Joan put on her bravest face and tried again. She reached for Roland's hand. "Honey whatever you want to tell me; I'm listening." Roland pulled away for a second time. "Joan can you please stop doing that!" "Doing what," Joan asked innocently. "That, what you are doing right now. Using that pacify poor crazy Roland voice." Joan sat looking astonished. "Roland, what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?" Roland took a deep breath and rose and walked to the window. He was trying to collect his thoughts. "Joan I want you to stop. I want you to stop treating me like I'm your baby and start treating me like your husband. I am not crazy. I am not going to crack if I don't get my way." Joan sat looking confused. "Honey, no one thinks you are crazy." Roland walked back to his seat on the couch. "You see Joan that is what I am talking about. We have been married for almost ten years and I count on one hand the number of times you have called me honey. It has always been Roland just Roland. Now all of a sudden every other word is honey, sweetheart, or baby." Roland braced himself for what he would say next. "I want things to go back to normal. I want us to just be Joan and Roland again and not this façade of the perfect happy couple." Joan was blown away by his passion. She had been trying so hard over the past months to be loving, compassionate, and accommodating. She was breaking her neck to be the type of wife that she thought Roland wanted and needed. But what was he saying now? Had she done all of this for nothing? "Hon, I'm sorry Roland, I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you wanted me to pay you more attention and." She looked away in exhaustion. "Joan I do want your attention, but I married you. I married you for who you are. I love you for who you are. I don't want you to be anyone else." He kneeled directly in front of her on the carpet and took her hand in his. "Do you remember why we do this?" Joan looked at him very confused and tired. "Why we do what Roland?" "You know Joan. Why do we always hold hands as a sign of affection?" Joan let out a sigh. "Don't you remember Joan? When we first got married, in fact, it was my first week on post as your husband. You were standing talking to some of the guys in your unit. I think maybe you were giving orders or something. I walked right up to you and not thinking kissed you squarely on the lips. I didn't think anything was wrong with it. We were newlyweds. We had only been back from our honeymoon for a couple of days. Do you remember what you did Joan?" A small stream of tears had begun to pour from Joan's eyes. "Yes, I remember." Roland continued. "At the time, I thought it was the cruelest thing that had ever been said in my life. You looked at me squarely and said 'Dr. Burton, the post medical center is that way. I'll see you later.' You just walked away and never looked back. I was livid all day. Remember Joan?" Joan let out a small laugh through her tears. "Yes Roland, I remember. I remember how bad I felt. I remember calling you all day and you never answering the phone. I remember thinking that my marriage was over before it even got started good." It was Roland's turn to laugh. "I was pretty mad at you. But what I remember is what happened when we both got home that night. I was mad and ready to argue, but you were calm and very logical. You told me that on post you always had to be Major Burton. You had to be a pillow of stoic strength for the guys under your command." "But at home I would just be Joan your wife," Joan interrupted. "That's what you said," continued Roland, "we also came up with the hand system. It was our own little way of showing affection without you losing face. A squeeze means I love you, a rub means are you alright? This worked for me. Other people thought that you were cold and insensitive, but I knew that you were just trying to do your job and still be a good wife." "That is all I ever wanted," replied Joan "just to be able to do my job well and be a good wife to you." "Joan the best way for you to be a good wife to me is to be you. I don't want you trying to be anyone else. You are not Olivia or my mother, and I don't expect you to be either of them. I just want you to be the Joan I married." Joan sat reflecting on the past couple of months. She had wanted so desperately to prove to Roland that she could be the person he wanted her to be. In the past months, she had done many things that were not her at all. She had been so desperate to keep Roland happy that she had tried to become someone that she was not. She loved Roland and the thought that he could leave her again was unimaginable. On the first night of his return, she had decided that she would do whatever it took to hold on to him. If Roland wanted a wife that was more like his sister then that was who Joan would become. She had never realized that in her zeal to be the perfect wife she had isolated herself from the person that she was trying to get closer to. She looked at Roland. He looked pleased with himself. Joan knew how difficult it was for Roland to express his own feelings most of the time. He was a brilliant doctor that could help any patient. He was one of the most patient people that she had ever known. His one fatal flaw was his inability to acknowledge his own feelings. Roland, the great healer, could help everyone but himself. "Wow," she said looking at Roland "I know that was really hard for you. I'm proud of you for finally admitting how you really feel. I guess expressing our true feelings to each other is something we need to work on." "I guess so," said Roland. Dr. Ralph who had been quiet this entire time suddenly spoke up. "When I first start to see each of you, I didn't know if this relationship could be salvaged. There were so many years of suppressed feelings that I wondered if the two of you could break through the wall that had slowly formed between you. Today, you have proven that you can and you are each willing to do the work that it will take to make your marriage a success." "We, I mean I really want this marriage to work Dr. Ralph," Joan responded. Dr. Ralph gave her a knowing nod. "Failure is not an option for us," added Roland "we have everything to lose by separating. I can't lose Joan. I love her too much." Roland and Joan gave each other a knowing look. Joan reached out and gave Roland's hand a tender squeeze. Roland responded with a squeeze of his own.

Later that evening Joan and Roland lay watching the early news in bed. "This is depressing. I hate watching coverage of the war. I am always praying that it's not a soldier that we know whose name is called as one of the injured or dead." Joan looked up from the "Maternity Magazine" that she had been reading. She hated discussing the war with Roland mainly because it usually led to an argument. She swallowed hard cleared her throat and decided to change the subject. "This magazine says that." "I thought we agreed that we weren't going to do that anymore," interrupted Roland. "Do what?" Joan asked innocently. "You know what," Roland answered with a sheepish grin "we are not going to not discuss things just because one or both of us might become angry. What did you want to say about the war?" "Roland, let's just drop it." Roland turned over in the bed and reached to turn off his bed side lamp. He settled himself on his side of the bed and called over his shoulder "Good night Joan. I'll see you in the morning." Joan catching the tone in his voice spoke. "Soldiers dying and getting hurt is all part of the job that we signed on for. It is very sad when we lose a comrade in battle, but it is also a moment of pride in knowing that that soldier gave his or her life to protect the greater good." "Thank you," Roland said as he rolled over to face her. "Why exactly are you thanking me?" Roland propped himself up on his arm. "I am thanking you Mrs, Burton for telling me how you really feel and not just agreeing with me for peace sake." "Well then, you are welcomed," responded Joan. The two lay looking at each other for a moment. Joan laid her magazine to the side and stroked Roland gently on his cheek. "You know you really are the most important person in my life." Roland laughed. "Well, I guess I am for the next couple of days at least." "Oh Roland," Joan said with a laugh "are you jealous of the baby already. All the magazines and books say that your feelings of abandonment shouldn't start until after the baby is born." She laughed and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "After the baby is born," Roland thought out loud. "Hey Joan, how about we try Dr. Ralph's method of hurrying along labor?" Joan looked at Roland in shock. "Are you serious? Do you really want to right now?" "I'm game if you are." Joan pulled in closer to Roland. "You just don't know how long I have been waiting to hear you say that." Slowly, each leaned in for a kiss that was the prelude to the best sex that they had had since Joan's return from Afghanistan.

Joan lay running her fingers up and down Roland's bare chest. She was trying to be careful not to wake him, but secretly she hoped he would wake. She longed to be with him again. Last night had brought back memories of nights very early in their marriage. Nights where they never slept instead they spent hours wrapped in the warmth of their love. Roland as if on cue opened his eyes and grinned. "What are you so happy about?" asked Joan. Roland without saying a word reached over and pulled her into an embrace. With that one simple gesture the excitement and pleasure of the night before begin all over again.

When Roland finally awoke for the morning, Joan still lay sleeping beside him. He was careful not to wake her as he removed himself from the bed. He decided to let her sleep in for once. He showered and dressed quickly and went downstairs to prepare breakfast. As he waited for Joan to wake, Claudia Joy, Roxy, Denise, and Pamela all called asking if Joan showed any signs of going into labor. Roland had to promise each of them that he would call them when the time came. It was good to have great friends on post he thought as he sat reading the morning paper. He was so engrossed in an article about a local murder trail that he neither saw nor heard Joan when she entered the room. "Roland did you hear me?" Her voice dragged his thoughts from the paper. "Joan, come sit down. I made you breakfast." Joan spoke with an impatient urgency in her voice. "I'll pass on the breakfast and settle for a ride to the hospital. Roland, my water just broke."


	8. Chapter 8

All of the planning suddenly went out the window as soon as Joan made the announcement that her water had broken

All of the planning suddenly went out the window as soon as Joan made the announcement that her water had broken. Roland slowly lowered the newspaper he had been reading. He turned and looked at Joan who was standing in the doorway. Joan was looking back at him with a fear in her eyes that Roland had never seen before. Realizing that the moment he had been waiting for was finally here, Roland jumped into action. He immediately started timing the contractions and helping Joan with her breathing. He went to the hallway closet and got the suitcase while calling the doctor. Joan's contractions were exactly twenty -two minutes apart. The doctor recommended that they come to the hospital and get Joan checked in. Roland helped Joan to the car and began the trek to the post medical facility. He called Pamela on the way and told her to pass the message along to the other women. Upon arrival at the hospital, Joan was instantly checked in and given VIP status. The post XO was having a baby and almost every soldier was tripping over himself to help take care of her. Joan though nervous tried to remain calm. Roland was nervous enough for the both of them. She watched in amusement as he paced up and down her room. He jumped at every beep of a monitor and kept asking "Is it time?" anytime Joan made the slightest movements. Joan's contractions were not bad and she was actually having an easy time of it. Her doctor had come in and checked her. He confirmed that she was in active labor. She was 100 percent effaced and six centimeters dilated. Everything from now on was a waiting game.

The wives had arrived at the hospital en mass shortly after Joan and Roland. They were all fluttering around trying to be helpful. About two hours into labor Olivia also arrived at the hospital. Roland had called her while she was in the air and informed her that they were at the hospital. By the time she arrived, Joan had been in active labor for over four hours and the pain and weariness was beginning to show. As a career soldier, Joan had endured many pains and hardships. She had climbed mountains, swam oceans, walked across desserts, been food and sleep deprived, but nothing that she had ever done in her life prepared her for the agony of child birth. For the past hour, she felt as if someone was ripping her body open through her back. She was agitated with Roland, Olivia, Claudia Joy, Pamela, Roxy, and Denise who all kept telling her how great she was doing. But she was mostly upset with her stupid doctor who kept entering her room and putting her in stirrups and telling her, "It'll be just a little bit longer." She had seen wars that had taken shorter than this. She felt as if she would be in labor for the rest of her life. Joan was miserable, and she was determined to make her dutiful attendants equally as miserable. She snapped at Denise when she offered her more ice chips. She slapped Olivia's hand away when she tried to wipe her head with a cool cloth. Poor Roxy almost lost a finger when she tried to hold Joan's hand through a contraction. Roland took the most impact of her abuse. The more Joan lie waiting and the more intense her pains got the more she blamed Roland for her current condition. It was Roland who wanted to start a family. It was Roland who thought they should stop using contraceptives. It was Roland who had gotten her into this mess. She wanted to make this delivery as miserable for him as it was for her. When Roland tried to help her with her breathing, Joan silenced him. When Roland tried to fluff her pillow or offer her ice chips or popsicles, she clenched her jaws shut. Poor Roland was now sitting in a chair in the corner of the room looking horrified. Joan in a fit of pain looked over at him and announced, "If you are just going to sit there and not help me you might as well get out!" By this time, Roland was so tired that he lowered his head and walked out of the room. Joan saw the dejection in his face as he left the room. She thought she felt a twinge of guilt as Roland turned to go, but no wait that was yet another contraction. "Roland, where are you going? Get back in here and time these contractions! Can you please do something to help me?!" Roland stopped in the doorway and gave all the women in the room a look of hopelessness and confusion. He threw his hands up in surrender and walked out of the room. Joan looked over at Olivia and Pamela who were standing nearest to the bed. "Where is he going? What is he doing?" Pamela gently rubbed Joan's face with a damp towel. "Sweetie, I think he just needs a break. He'll be back." Pamela tried to sound reassuring, but she was not sure if Roland would be back. "But I need him here to time my contractions," Joan said in desperation. Olivia looked knowingly toward the doorway that her brother had just gone through and then back at Joan in the bed. "Umm, Joan I'll time the contractions until he comes back. I'm sure he just needs a little air. He'll be right back." All of the women exchange worried glances as each of them took a turn at reassuring Joan that Roland would be returning at any moment. When the other women had Joan fully distracted, Claudia Joy took the opportunity to slip into the hallway and search for Roland. She found him sitting in the hallway with his head in his hands. "Roland, what are you doing? Your wife is in there having your baby." "I needed a break for a minute Claudia Joy." Claudia Joy looked empathetically at him. "Roland, I understand that this is all very stressful for you. I know you have been through a lot lately. I know it is not easy to have Joan yelling at you the way she did. But Roland, I mean this in a most friendly way GET UP OFF OF THAT FLOOR AND GET IN THERE AND HELP YOUR WIFE DELIVER YOUR CHILD! No, this is not easy. If you are feeling this bad, imagine how Joan is feeling. She is in pain and her hormones are all out of sort and she thinks you walked out on her again." "Claudia Joy I didn't walk out; she put me out." Claudia Joy let out a laugh. "Seriously Roland, she is in labor. She will say more in the next hours to hurt your feelings, my feelings, and anyone else's who happen to be in her path. You can not take it to heart. That is the pain talking not Joan." Roland rose from where he had been sitting on the hallway floor and starting pacing back and forth. He had so many different emotions going on that he couldn't get his head around any one. He had a serious headache,and he just wanted to retreat. He didn't want to argue with Claudia Joy or with Joan. He knew what he wanted most at this moment to go home and have this all over with. "Claudia Joy, I want this baby. I really do. I want a life with Joan and our baby, but I don't know if I can handle this." "Handle what Roland?" Roland kept up with his pacing. It was his nervous habit; he couldn't help himself. Claudia Joy spoke up. "Roland, can you be still for a moment? That pacing is making me nervous. Tell me what it is that you can't handle?" Roland tried to stand still long enough to talk to Claudia Joy. "That Joan, the one in there, is the one that I can not deal with anymore. I can't stand that bossy and pushy attitude. I will not live my life like that." "Roland, I have had two babies and I can tell you with great certainty that anything that Joan is saying at this moment can not be held against her." "Claudia Joy, I know that she is in a lot of pain right now, but" "But what Roland?" Roland looked away and continued his pacing back and forth on the hallway. "Roland?" Claudia Joy looked at him in disbelief. "Roland, I have never seen you like this before. You need to get yourself together and get back in that room. Your wife needs you at this moment more than ever." Without another word, Claudia Joy turned and walked down the hallway and disappeared into Joan's room.

All of the women noticed her reentrance into the room especially Joan. Her contractions for the moment seemed to have subsided and she looked intently at the door as Claudia Joy entered. "Where's Roland," she asked? Claudia Joy was at a lost of what to tell her. She forced a smile on her face and looked at Joan. "Oh, he is just down the hallway." "What is he doing? Why is he not in here?" Joan quizzed. Claudia Joy did not want to lie to Joan, but she knew that she could not tell her the truth. No woman in labor wanted or needed to hear that her husband was laying low in the hallway while she gave birth to their child. All of the women waited in uncomfortable silence for Claudia Joy to answer. Claudia Joy finally deciding on the greater good spoke, "The nurse cornered us in the hallway. Roland is filling out some papers. He'll be in when he is done." Olivia who had been standing beside the bed gave Claudia Joy a knowing nod. "Why don't I go and see if I can help speed the paperwork process along." Joan turned to her sister-in – law, "Olivia get Roland back in this room." Olivia gave Joan a weak smile and left the room. She found Roland still pacing back and forth in front of the nurse's station. "Roland, what are you doing? Joan is waiting on you." "I can't go back in there Livvy." Olivia looked at Roland in disbelief. "I'm sorry. You can't what?" Roland stopped his pacing long enough to face his sister. "I can't do this. I can't deal with this. You were right Olivia, I never should have…" His voice trailed off and he began pacing once again. "Oh no buddy, you are not putting this on me. You had your chance to get out of this marriage and you decided that you wanted in. You are in now and you are staying!" Roland stopped to look at his sister who was beginning to turn red. She was really mad. "Your wife is down this hall having your baby, my little niece or nephew and you do not get to walk out on them." The angrier Olivia got the louder she got. Some of the nurses looked up startled. A few people even stopped moving to take in the scene. Roland grabbed his sister by the arm and pulled her into a nearby supply closet. "Will you keep your voice down? Joan might hear you. Lord knows everyone else on this floor has." Olivia shot Roland and angry glare. "Look Roland, I get that you are scared and I am here for you. What I am not here for is to go down that road again where we both pretend that the only thing that is wrong in your life is Joan. You have your own demons and I am glad that you are finally working on that, but today. Today is not about you. It is about your wife and your child. You are about to become a father very soon. You cannot run to me for protection every time something happens that you can't deal with. Your family needs you right now. Now, I love you and I love Joan and that baby, so if you say to me right now that you cannot do this then I will leave this room and go down that hallway and deal with it. I will do that for you. I will do that for our family. But don't BS me about what you don't want to do. Life is full of things we don't want to do. Even things we don't think we have the strength to do. But we do them." "Olivia is not that I don't want to I just don't know if I can anymore. The last time Joan and I were in a crisis I feel apart. I almost broke my marriage vows. I'm scared." Olivia looked at Roland and instantly her tone softened. "Babe, none of us ever know that we can until we try. Remember what daddy used to say. 'The love is in the showing up'. You show up and you try for the people that you love. Right now, Joan just needs you to show up. Whether you are great or horrible when you get there, she needs you to show up. We show up for the people that we love Roland even if we fail them and even more so when they fail us – we show up. The love is in the showing up. Now, I am going back down the hallway. Come or stay here; you have to make that decision for yourself." Olivia exited the closet leaving Roland behind. Roland took a deep breath and turned to follow Olivia out of the closet then changing his mind he began a short nervous pace up and down the supply closet. When Olivia returned to Joan's room, she found the doctor. "Good news Olivia, "Roxy beamed "there are taking Joan into delivery. She is finally ready. Is Roland coming?" Roxy looked hopefully at Olivia. Olivia looked from Roxy to Joan and back to Roxy and lowered her head. "Olivia, where is my husband," Joan asked? Before Olivia could answer the doctor intervened and told Joan she needed to be examined one last time before they moved her to delivery. All of the women huddled around Olivia in the corner of the room. "So what's going on? Where's Roland?" Pamela asked. "Believe it or not, he is hiding in a supply closet down the hall." "Hiding in a supply closet, Denise said in amazement. "SHH, Denise keep your voice down," Claudia Joy warned, "Joan might hear you." "What are we going to do?" asked Roxy. "What can we do, but support Joan," Denise offered. "Why exactly is he hiding in a supply closet," asked Pamela. "Your guess is as good as mine," answered Olivia. "He's afraid," offered Claudia Joy "with every thing they have been through in recent months; he's just afraid. It is a natural reaction." "Well, how are we going to get him out of that closet and in this room?" Roxy inquired. "You guys go to delivery with Joan and stall and I will try to talk him out," offered Pamela. "What are you guys over there whispering about?" Joan's voice broke the intenseness of the group's conversation. Denise was the first to speak up. "We were just having a little disagreement about which one of us will get to go to the delivery room with you." Joan looked at her and little out a laugh. "Look, I appreciate all that you have done for me, but I don't want either of you in delivery with me. Roland is my birthing coach and he is going into the delivery room with me." "Yeah Joan, about Roland he ummm, he is" Joan looked at Olivia waiting. "Spit it out Olivia. Where is Roland?" "He is in the gift shop getting a gift for the baby," Roxy offered. "Rox, we have to tell her the truth," Pamela said. Pamela looked at Claudia Joy for support. Claudia Joy realized that the rest of the group was waiting for her to tell Joan the truth. "What is going on?" Joan demanded. All of the women remained silent. "Never mind, if none of you are going to tell me where he is I will just go and look for him myself." Joan sat up in the bed and turned to get out of it. "Lt. Colonel Burton, what are you doing?" her doctor asked. "I am going to find my husband. Move out of my way." "I can't let you do that. Nurse help her get back into that bed." Joan was ready to put up a fight, but at that moment a contraction worse than any of the others before hit her. She folded over under the weight of the pain. "Oh my God, Oh my God Roland!," she screamed out. "Joan!!" all of the women ran to her aide. "Joan, you have to listen to the doctor," Olivia demanded. "No Olivia, what I have to do is go and find Roland. I know something is wrong even if none of you want to tell me. Do any of you want to tell me?" All of the women looked away in silence. "Exactly, if none of you will tell me what is going on, I will go and find out for myself. Now, you can either help me get out of this room or move out of my way!" Joan's face was turning pale. It was obvious that she was in a great deal of pain. Her breath was also heavy. "Joan, you need to lie back down," warned Denise "you don't look well." Though Joan wanted to walk out of the room with every fiber of her being, her body just wouldn't allow it. Her body betrayed her. She hopelessly allowed Denise and the nurse to help her back into the bed. Tears had started to form in her eyes. Where was Roland? She needed him. She was afraid and she needed his comfort and support. Her sobs increased as the pains became more and more intense. The doctor spoke. "We can't wait any longer. She needs to deliver this baby now! Where is her Dr. Burton? I know he doesn't want to miss this." Olivia let out a long sigh. "Doctor, Roland, my brother, well he is …." "I'm right here and from the looks of things, not a minute too soon." "Oh God, here you are," Olivia let out a sigh relief. "We were worried about you for a second there," Pamela chimed in. "Roland, are you alright," Joan asked. "where have you been?" "I was just down the hall no big deal and I went to the hospital gift shop to get this for the baby." Roland produced a sterling silver baby rattle from his pocket. "Roland, that is beautiful. But seriously, I'm having our baby here can you shop later." "Dr and Mrs. Burton, we really need to get to delivery now." "Sure doctor, we are ready," said Roland. "We sure are," said Joan as she reached for his hand and smiled. "In a little while, we are going to be mom and dad. Are you ready?" she asked. "Joan, I honestly don't know if I am ready, but I am here. We're here and together we do this."

The women waited for what seemed to be an eternity. "Joan and Roland went back there hours ago. What is taking so long?" Roxy complained. "It hasn't been an hour yet Roxy," Pamela said. "We just have to wait. It will happen," offered Denise. "We are all mothers. We have all been on the other side of this before. We just need to be patient," Claudia Joy said looking up from the magazine she had been reading. "I like being on the other side better," said Olivia. All of the other women looked at her and laughed. "Well, I for one would much rather wait than be delivering myself," said Roxy. "My last delivery, Finn's delivery took over twelve hours." "Well, most of you were there for my last delivery," offered Pamela "it was not pretty at all. I'll wait over here thank- you." Olivia shrugged her shoulders at the other women. "I just happen to be one of those women who love to be pregnant. The swollen ankles, the aching back, even the morning sickness. I loved it all." "That's because you have only done it once," said Claudia Joy. "Yeah, and you've never done twins," added Pamela. "I'm with you Olivia. I would have loved having another baby. I had the easiest pregnancy with Jeremy. It just never happened for Frank and me." "I will never say that I loved being pregnant, but I could have done it again. I think Michael always secretly wanted us to try again for a boy." "I wonder what Joan and Roland will have boy or girl," Roxy asked out loud. "Well, I think we are about to find out," said Pamela "here comes Roland."

Roland had the largest grin pasted on his face as he approached the group. "That was the most amazing thing that I have ever done in my life," he exclaimed. "I just witnessed my child being born. It was so, so amazing. Hey thanks, you guys for not letting me miss this." "How is Joan? Claudia Joy asked. "Joan is fine, there are bringing her to recovery right now. She is really out of it and very tired, so I think we should wait awhile before we go to see her." "The baby Roland, how is the baby," inquired Olivia. "Oh my goodness Livvy, the baby, my son, he is perfect." "A son, oh Roland, you have a son." Olivia instantly began to cry. "Can we see him?" asked Roxy. "Yes, yes of we hurry we get to the nursery just in time."

Roland, Olivia, and the wives all stood outside of the nursery watching as the nurse cleaned and swaddled the baby. She carefully placed him in a nursery buggy and brought him to the front of the window so the group could get a better look at him. "He is beautiful, just beautiful Roland," offered Claudia Joy. "So have you guys decided on a name yet," asked Pamela. "Well, we have a few, but we really thought we were having a girl, so we have a long list of girl's name." "Hey buudy, you listen to me. You will not name my nephew any girl's name. I know there are boy's named Ashley and Tracy, but not my nephew. He needs a good strong name." "Joan and I agree Olivia, that is why we are waiting to name him." "Well you can't wait too long," said Denise "he needs a name before he can go home for the hospital. You two have two days to get that name." "No pressure," Roxy kidded. "He'll have a name- a great name," Roland answered. "You guys can stay here and argue over baby names. I am going to see my wife and tell her how amazing she is." "I think that is a good idea," said Claudia Joy. "Hey wait Roland, we'll come with you," Roxy called after him. "Roland, you go ahead we'll catch up with you in a minute. We want to look at the baby for a few minutes longer," Denise said. "Roxy, I think Joan and Roland need some time alone. A little time to regroup," Olivia said, "we'll go in later for now we can talk about how beautiful and cute my nephew is." "I've been looking at the other babies in the nursery and he is by far the cutest," said Pamela. "Pamela, that is awful to say. All babies are beautiful." Denise shook her head in disapproval. "Hate to tell you Denise, but all babies are not beautiful. Look at little baby boy Fitzgerald over there. His head is the size of a globe." "Roxy," Claudia Joy shot her a warning glance, "you and Pamela stop that this instant. I am the post commander's wife. How would it look if some mother over heard us talking about her baby." Olivia spoke up, "I agree with you Claudia Joy; we should not be discussing the babies. But, little Fitzgerald does have a big head. Look at that thing." Denise let out a small chuckle that instantly became infectious and before they knew it all of the women were looking at poor baby Fitzgerald and laughing uncontrollably.


	9. Chapter 9

Joan had never been so happy in all of her life

Joan had never been so happy in all of her life. Though she had given birth less than an hour earlier, she felt energized. She laid waiting for the nurse to bring her son to her. "My son, I have a son," she said out loud to everyone and no one at all. She had only seen the baby briefly in the delivery room, but she had already decided that a more handsome baby had never been born. She smiled as she remembered the feeling of relief that washed over her as she heard him cry out for the first time. She was overly anxious when the nurse informed her that the baby would be taken to the nursery while she went to recovery. Though she had just met him, she knew that she never wanted to be separated from him ever again in her life. "Our son is the most beautiful baby in the whole nursery," Roland announced as he entered the room. Joan looked at him. Roland's face was covered by a sheepish grin. "A proud daddy already, Roland? I'll have my work cut out for me over the next eighteen to twenty years." Roland couldn't help laughing out loud. "Now, come on Joan, you have to admit he is quite handsome." Joan laughed in spite of herself. "Roland, I agree with you. I think we have the most beautiful baby in the whole world." Roland moved closer to Joan on the bed. He leaned over her and kissed her lightly on her check. "You did great! I was really proud of you in there." Joan squeezed his hand gently. "You didn't do so bad yourself. I couldn't have asked for a calmer coach. You wouldn't let me give up even when I wanted to." Roland began looking nervously around the room. "The nurse said that they would bring the baby down in a few minutes." Joan looked at him. She knew that something was weighing on his mind, but she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted to be happy in this moment. She had a new baby and a husband that she loved. Her life couldn't have been better. "Hey Roland, you know we need to figure a name out for this little guy so that we can take him home." Roland turned to her. He was only half listening to what she was saying. "Yeah, a name, we can go with whatever name you want Joan." "Roland," Joan said in a warning tone. "Roland, please not today. Please not now." "Joan, I think that we need to." "Roland, not now, not today, Let's just have a good day. We just had a son. Let's not have any drama. I can't handle drama right now." "Joan, I don't want any drama either but," "Good then," Joan said interrupting him "what ever it is let's just save it for another day." Roland looked at her sympathetically. He knew that she had been through a great deal. Her labor had been long and intense. Yet in spite of it all, she seemed to now be in a very congenial mood. He really did not want to ruin her mood, but he also knew that he could not let the events prior to the delivery go unaddressed. He had to confess to Joan what he had done. He had to explain everything to her. He could not let this secret come between them. "Joan, I need to tell you something really important." "ROLAND," Joan had yelled before she realized it. Roland knew that he shouldn't press the issue any further. "Joan, I was simply going to say that my mother will most likely be pulling for the name Emory." Roland lied. Joan's mood immediately changed. "Your mother wants the name Emory. Roland **EMORY** Burton I believe that you are telling me something that is untrue." Roland let out a slight laugh. "I'm just saying. My mother wanted to name me Emory, but my father objected. Roland was my great- grandfather's name, so my dad wanted it. My mother loves the name Emory. Emory is a good name." Joan gave him a sly grin. "Yes sweetheart, Emory is a good name, but I like the name Jackson." Roland looked thoughtfully. "Emory Jackson Burton it has a nice ring to it." "Jackson Emory Walker- Burton has a better ring to it," interrupted Joan. "I concede to my lovely wife. Though he will probably be 8 before he can remember his whole name, Jackson Emory Walker- Burton it is," Roland said. At that moment, the nurse brought in little Jackson Emory Walker- Burton. Both his parents looked at him with pride and joy. Little Jackson did his part by cooing softly. The nurse brought him over and placed him gently in Joan's arms. Joan looked down lovingly at her little boy. She had only known him a little over three hours now, but she already felt as if she would die for this little person. "Roland, I think we must have the most beautiful baby that has ever been born." It was Roland's turn to kid "Having a proud mommy moment, Joan?" Joan looked up with a smile, "I think we have a lot to be proud of. Jackson Emory has brought something great to our lives. I can't believe that there was ever a moment that I doubted and now I can't imagine not having him." Roland stood looking at his wife and child. He couldn't believe that he had ever doubted that they could do this. It was at this moment that it all became clear. This was one of the three happiest moments of his life. As he reflected all of those moments had two things in common – Joan and Jackson. "Wow, look at this. My baby brother is a daddy." Olivia's voice interrupted Roland's thoughts. "Livvy, come in and formally meet your nephew Jackson Emory Burton." Joan quickly corrected Roland's error. "Olivia meet your nephew Jackson Emory WALKER – Burton." Everyone in the room laughed. Olivia beamed as she moved closer to Joan and the baby in the bed. "Alright Roland, get near Joan and the baby. I am going to take your first official family photo." Roland moved in next to Joan and the baby on the bed as Olivia snapped their photo. "Livvy, if you put that camera down, I might be persuaded to let you hold my baby." Olivia let out a squeal of joy as she hurried to the sink to wash her hands. She sat in the lounger next to the bed as Joan gently placed the baby in her arms. Olivia looked down at her nephew and smiled. "Joan, you did good girl. He is handsome and just perfect. He is absolutely perfect." "Hey Livvy, what happened to everyone?" Roland asked. "Well, Denise had to go home and change, because she is working tonight. Roxy and Pamela had to go and rescue their kids from the babysitter, and Claudia Joy has some dinner or something that she and General Holden have to attend tonight. They all promised that they would be by to visit tomorrow, and Denise said she would stop in after her rounds tonight." "Olivia, you must be tired," Joan said. Olivia looked up from the baby and caught Joan's glare. "I am a little tired, but I'm sure Roland wants to stay with you and the baby." " Livvy, I'll take you to the house so that you can get some rest," Roland interjected "you must be tired; you came straight here from the airport." Roland stood up and gathered Olivia's bags that were resting in the corner of the room. "Joan, I'll just take Liv to the house and come right back." Joan looked at Roland with a smile. "Honey, it's fine. You've been here all day. Go home; get some food and shower. I'll just take a nap while you are gone. I am pretty tired myself." Roland looked anxiously from Joan to the baby and back to Joan. "Roland, we'll be fine. You will only be gone for a little while. Relax. You are supposed to be the calm one, remember." Both Joan and Olivia looked at Roland as he weighed his options. He knew that they were both secretly making fun of him. The two of them knew a secret that few people knew about the always calm Dr. Roland Burton. He was a nervous wreck when it came to the people that he loved. He could be calm for his patients, but his family was another story. "For goodness sake, don't start pacing Roland. I can drive myself. Just give me your keys." Roland could not let his sister be right. Though he didn't want to leave Joan and the baby, he couldn't let his sister win. "No, I'll take you. In fact, I'll take your bags down and pull the car to the front while you say good-bye to Joan and the baby. After Roland was gone, Joan turned to Olivia with gratitude. "Thanks for getting him out of here. He was making me nervous. He came in all serious before and" Joan looked away without finishing her statement. "What Joan, did you two get to talk earlier?" asked Olivia. "Roland wanted to talk, but I am tired Olivia. I just had a baby. I can't deal with any drama right now and somehow I knew whatever it is that he wanted to say. It's drama." Olivia looked at her sympathetically as she gently rocked the now sleeping baby in her arms. "I get the feeling that you want some alone time. I'll try to keep him at the house for a while so that you can get some rest. Here, I'll call for the nurse to take the baby. From one old mother to a very new mother, sleep when you can, sleep when he sleeps, that is all the sleep you will be getting for a while." Joan took the sleeping baby from Olivia and placed him gently on her chest. "Livvy, it's o.k. Don't call for the nurse. I think I will keep him here with me. I like being close to him." Olivia looked at her with a smile. "They are addictive. When Alexia was first born, I think I held her non- stop for over a week. The euphoria will wear off, but enjoy it while it last." Olivia leaned in and placed a kiss softly on Joan's cheek. "Get some rest and I will see you tomorrow." Olivia gathered her purse and jacket and turned towards the door. Just as she was about to leave, she turned back and went to Joan in the bed. "Joan, I know that you don't want the drama, but I think he really needs to tell you. Even if you can't hear it today, I think you really need to hear what he has to say. Just think about o.k." Olivia lightly laid a blanket over Joan and the baby and turned out the over-head light. Without another word, she turned and left the room. Though Olivia's words were in her head, Joan's need for sleep was more powerful than anything else. Cradling Jackson closer in her arms, she lay back and fell asleep.

As Joan awakened, she could hear Roland's voice. He was sitting next to her bed with Jackson in his arms rocking and speaking to him softly. "Honey, is he alright?" Roland looked up startled. "Look Jackson, your mommy is awake." Joan smiled and held out her arms for the baby. "How long have I been asleep?" Roland placed the baby in her arms and leaned down kissing her on the forehead. "Well, you have been asleep about three hours since I have been here and maybe an hour or two before then." "You should have awakened me," Joan said as she beamed down at her baby. "What time is it? I think I have lost all track of time." Roland looked down at his watch, "It's a little past eleven. It's been a long day, but it has been a great day." "Yes, it has been a great day." Joan released a long sigh. "Joan what's wrong?" Roland asked with great concern. "Are you in pain or something?" Joan once again saw that look of nervousness and anxiety sweep over Roland's face. "Baby, I'm fine. Calm down. I'm just a little hungry. I haven't eaten anything all day." Roland's look softened as he walked across the room. "That is a problem that I can help you with. Olivia cooked some dinner, and she sent you a plate. I'll go ask one of the nurses to warm it for you." "Thanks honey, I am starving." While Roland was in the hallway, Joan pondered what Olivia had told her. Over the past months, Roland's anxiety had been growing more and more intense. Joan had tried as much as possible to validate and appease his emotions. She had to admit that it was beginning to take a toll on her. She was not accustomed to Roland being so needy, or perhaps he had always been needy, she had just never noticed. Roland returned with her food. It smelled delicious. Roland was the cook in the family, and his food was really good. Joan always felt a little self-conscious when she cooked because Roland was so talented in the kitchen. But Olivia's culinary skills far surpassed her brother's. According to Roland, she had just whipped something up while he showered and got dressed. She had whipped up the best lasagna that Joan had ever tasted. She had tasted Olivia's cooking before, but this lasagna was fantastic. Joan continued to eat by the mouthfuls. She wondered if everyone was this hungry after giving birth. Throughout this process, Roland sat nearby cradling the baby. "Do you think we will spoil him if we hold him all the time?" he inquired. Joan taking a break from her meal hunched her shoulders in reply. "No matter what, we are not spoiling him. He is an Army baby. Army babies are army brats not spoiled brats. Besides I read in one of my baby book that you can't spoil a baby by just holding it. And who could not want to hold anything as beautiful as that baby?" Roland looked at her with an amused air. "I never imagined that I would see the day when you Joan Walker Burton would go soft on me." Joan looked at him with a flash of indignation. "I am not going soft. I am not a soft person. I am disciplined, logical, ordered, methodical even, but I am not today nor will I ever be in the future soft." Roland did not answer. He just smiled and continued rocking the baby. Joan continued in a lower voice, "I am not soft. I am a soldier. A soldier who is hopelessly in love with her new baby and her husband but make no mistakes, I'm still a soldier." " Hey, you get no arguments from me. I just watched you give birth to our baby. You were a warrior. You had a natural birth with no drugs. I could not have done it. You are warrior who has a son and a husband who love you very much." "Oh, there is a love fest going on in this room," Denise teased as she entered the room. Joan and Roland both greeted her warmly. "I don't mean to interrupt, but I have come to steal this little guy for the night." Joan looked up in alarm. "Where are you taking him?" Denise gave her a warm smile. "It's nothing to worry about. He just needs to spend the night in the nursery. It's hospital protocol. They just like to observe his breathing while he is sleeping, and we are still waiting for him to have his first bowel movement. It normally happens after their first full day of eating. Trust me, you want us to clean that up. He'll be back in the morning." Denise walked over to take the baby from Roland. She turned to leave with the baby and then turned back to Joan who sat nervously perched on the bed. "Alright baby Jack," Denise said warmly, "give your mommy a kiss goodnight, and tell her not to worry." Denise handed the baby to Joan for one last cuddle. Reluctantly, Joan handed the baby over and Denise quickly exited with him to the nursery. "Don't worry mommy. They will bring your baby back in the morning," Roland tried to sound encouraging. He wanted to lift Joan's spirits, but he too was a little sad at the loss of the baby. He had hoped that they would get to spend this first night all together as a family. "I never knew that I could miss another human being as much as I miss my baby whenever he is not near me. Yesterday, we didn't even have a baby and now I can't imagine a minute without him. I have never missed anyone as much as I miss him right now." Roland looked at Joan. "That's interesting to hear," he answered in response. Joan caught the tone in his voice and quickly recognized her mistake. Taking his hand in her own, she tried to fix her mistake. "Of course I missed you Roland, we were separated for two whole years. I missed you; I missed you everyday. I thought about you everyday especially at night when everything was still and quiet. But, I was at war. I had soldiers under me who were depending on me to be a leader. I couldn't afford to miss you every second of the day. That would have made me sad, and if my morale was low, so was the morale of the soldiers that I was responsible for. It was different." Roland looked at her intently. "Joan, I wasn't implying that you didn't miss me. I know you missed me." Joan interrupted his speech. "I think you were implying, and it's alright if you were. Sometimes, I forget to tell you how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. You are always there for me Roland, and I know that I can take that for granted at times. I don't want to do that. You are the love of my life and I don't ever want to lose you again." Roland leaned in closer to her and took her face lovingly in his hands. "You are the love of my life. I loved you from the very first moment that I ever saw you. I knew then what I know today. I want to be with you forever. You don't have to worry about losing me." The two embraced lovingly and Roland placed a kiss gently on Joan's lips. As they pulled away Joan let out a sigh. "O.K., honey I'm ready to listen. What did you want to tell me earlier?" She rolled over gently on her side. As she did she let out a small groan. She was much sorer than she thought. She looked a Roland as she waited for his response. Roland sat in the chair beside her bed avoiding her gaze. He picked at a loose thread on his jeans. Joan reached out and covered his hand with her own. "Roland, what's the matter? Tell me what happened this morning. Talk to me." Roland looked at her tentatively. "I'm ashamed to admit this Joan, but I know I need to tell you. I don't want there to ever be any secrets between us. I don't want to ever experience the heart break that we experienced over the last year ever again. The pain and loss for both of us was unbearable." Joan spoke soothingly. "It's alright Roland. Just tell me, and then we will deal with it whatever it is." Roland took in a deep breath of air and began. "This morning, after you were in labor, I panicked. For a while I seriously considered walking out of the hospital and never coming back." His last words, Roland rushed out and waited for a reaction from his wife. Joan waited attentively for him to continue. "Claudia Joy and Olivia both tried to reel me back in, but I was scared. After wanting a baby for so long, I was scared that we were making a big mistake by adding a baby to our life. In that moment, I felt the impact of what we had decided to do and I wondered if we had made the right choice. I wondered if I had forced you into something that neither of us was ready for. Joan looked at him. This time she spoke. "Are you done?" Roland looked at her puzzled. "Yes, I guess I am. I'll understand if you are angry." "First of all Roland, I am not angry. Secondly, nobody, since I was sixteen years old, has ever forced me into anything that I didn't want to do. For this last part Roland, I really need you to hear me. Roland raised his eyes so that they now sat face to face. "I'm listening." "Don't just listen Roland hear what I am saying. I was scared this morning too. I have been scared since the moment we decided to keep this baby. I know that there will be other times when we are scared raising this child Roland, but I don't want you to talk to Claudia Joy, Denise, Pamela, Roxy, or even Olivia. I want you to talk to me. We are in this together. If we are going to be afraid, let's do it together." Roland looked deeply at her in a silent gaze. His stare was so intense and inspective that Joan began to feel uncomfortable. "Roland, why are you looking at me like that?" Roland broke his gaze only at the sound of her voice. "Did I have a look?" "Yes, you had one of your spooky doctor looks like you are psychoanalyzing me or something." Roland let out a hearty laugh. " I think I was analyzing you. I was just thinking." "Thinking what," Joan asked suspiciously. "I was thinking that maybe you should be the psychiatrist in the family. When did you get so wise?" A wide smile appeared across Joan's face. "Well, I have many years of study with one of the best doctors I know." "Would that doctor be me? Roland asked. "Yes, that would be you," Joan replied. "Well then, I'm better than I thought. Tomorrow I think I will go to my supervisor and demand a raise." "Roland, you always take it just one step too far," Joan answered with a laugh.


End file.
